husbands and their ex wives

[yael83]

Hi all, I have never asked a question on here but am now getting a bit desperate for som opinions/advice. For a bit of background... I am married and we have 2 young kids together. My husband has a grown up daughter (18 years old) with his ex wife. Last year they decided (my husband very reluctantly) to send their daughter to a costly private college as she produced very poor results at the free school she was attending (she has to repeat a year of AS levels). His ex has never worked and my husband always took care of her.... My husband pays a large sum of maintenance both for their daughter and the ex. As my husband did not aqree on sending their daughter to the private school the ex agreed that she would take out a loan to pay for it for the last 2 years of her education. Well.... now I find on my husbands desk at home a loan application with his ex's name as well as his own name on it....

I am incredibly hurt by this as he did not discuss this with me. Should a husband not talk to his wife about a big expense like this?? Espepcially since we are working hard at finding a property and mortgage together to work out how we can purchase our first house together.....and the security of our children. So he has not only kept this information from me but also now put us in difficulty of buying a house together. My husband continuously worries about finances and lets me know about it.... I am at home with our second child (3 months) and on low income at the moment as maternity leave and our other child (5) thank goodness is in a good free school!

To make matters even more complicated his daughter has also fallen pregnant with her boyfriend (who repeated a year with her leaving the same school for the same college) who she is not seeing anymore. I am fearing my husband taking care of his ex wife, his daughter AND his grandchild in the near future. He insists this won't happen....but since we met he insists he has broken of with ex completely but the situation certainly does not back this up.....

Does any of you have experience of a similar thing with husbands and their ex wife? Money? Would really like to hear from you.... thanks for letting me ventilate.

Of course he should talk to you before taking on a big financial commitment. He has a responsibility to his children from any previous relationships but that has to be on a par with his obligations to you and your children. Making unilateral decisions about family money is very poor untrustworthy behaviour.

So have you taken him to task about the loan application?

No experienxe but he sounds like a decent father to me. His dd got shit results and he wanted to give her another chance to get it right. I know he lied to you but is that because you wouldnt have wanted to 'waste' money on her education? Ask yourself hand on heart if your own two kids dud badly at a state school would you consider letting them having another run at the exams in a school where expectations are higher?

I take cogitos point about "family money" but so hard when his dayghter is his family but not your family.

I cant help wondering if, given she is having a baby, whether this college place isnt throwing good money after bad.

At the moment she will be taking time out of the college for ML but will need her place keeping, will they have to pay for the ML time even though she isnt there?

I would be insisting on some changes re maintenance too. I get the feeling you are not from the UK, but I would not want to be paying the ex any spousal support given that the child is now 18 and there is no reason at all why she cant support herself, she can hardly claim that she is a SAHM to an 18 year old!

At the moment you are living on a low income, unable to buy your own home and your "D"H is taking out a loan that will jeopardize you future even further. And dont forget that with a joint loan application (presumably because with no job, she can get one on her own), if she defaults on her half of the payments, he will be liable for the total amount.

He needs to grow a pair. Say no to the private college, say no more spousal maintenance and that he will support his DD as he has but he will not support the baby. She will see no need to support herself if she knows that Dad will always bail her out.

Oh and yes, he should of course have discussed this with you first. He has no right to spend this money without your agreement, or a firm assurance (with proof) that it will not affect your future plans, which this will.

Why is he paying spousal maintenance? Is she not capable of getting a job? I would be furious if I were in your shoes. That really does need to stop. Perhaps he could open an account and pay some sort of allowance in for DD. What she then does with it is down to her although to be frank, she is an adult now so should be looking at her own options rather than relying on her dad all the time

If the loan is a joint one it means he's financially linked to his ex. If you also have joint finances with him, them you're also linked to her. Let's hope she doesn't have any credit issues.

It's absolutely unacceptable for him to have done this. I'f be fuming.

cantbelieve I have to agree with you. I wouldnt be expecting maintenance at 18, it doesnt work like that!

What about if he agrees to fund the college but it comes out of the maintenance that he pays each month. Lets see how keen the ex is on that college then!