Where do I go from here?

[Dontknowwhatnext]

I've been married nearly 8 years, with two dc aged 6 and 3. I've name changed.

This isn't the first time but tonight we had a physical fight. Not the first time. I started it but my DH hit me in the face and I'm cut and bruised. I am seeing a counsellor about general relationship issues I have and fighting with my brother was a feature, and my parents never intervened or helped us sort things out.

I feel my DH does whatever I suggest and has never shown his preference for me. I make all the decisions in the relationship and at home. His parents divorced when he was young. I desperately want him to show that he values me above others and cares for me. I feel that he is happy to go with the flow and will never support me in the way I long for, and this makes me very angry and upset.

I don't want to break up because of the dc and because I believe we can make it work. Then again, we haven't been having sex and I am usually in the spare room these days.

Please don't be too harsh with me. I know the violence is shocking and I don't want to go on this way.

He hit you? You need to call the police. Even if you don't want to take it any further, you need it on file for the future xx

You may desperately want him to show you that he loves and values you. He has shown you that he doesn't.

There are only 2 scenarios here. You leave, he realises his behaviour is totally unacceptable or you stay and try to make something work, which shows that you will tolerate violence and he is free to repeat and escalate his violence.

How old are the children? I guess you are going to tell us they are never in the house when you fight? They are totally unaware of the injuries? They won't carry on the cycle and get smacked about?

I'm sorry but physical fighting crosses a line and it's immaterial who started it. It's a massive concern that you say it's not the first time it's happened. You're not staying with him because of the DC - that's an excuse - and yes, I'm being harsh because your DC are trapped in someone else's abusive relationship. They deserve a better life, even if you think this is the best you can do.

Please call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 or contact the police DV unit. There is no acceptable level of violence in a relationship.

When you say 'you started it', does that mean you hit him first?

Whether 'started it' means the OP struck the first blow or was verbally abusive, it's a dysfunctional relationship and they should not be under the same roof. The OP is already in receipt of some kind of counselling or psychiatric treatment and they're going to make more progress solo and harm their DCs less in the process.

He doesn't value or care for you. That's what he's down you.

I'm sorry you're going through this but I don't know what else to say. Why on earth do you want to make things work? Your children will be happier and safer living in a house without violence.

*shown

I agree Cogito, but it will make a difference to the police I think.

Both of you are in the wrong. You for starting it and h for retaliating! I am worried for your dc either way because you are both clearly violent. You shouldn't be together at all!

I'm glad you're seeing a counsellor because starting a physical fight due to what seem to be self-esteem issues is not good. And is there actually anything your DH could do or say that would make you feel valued and supported?

This is a very unhealthy relationship - but you know that. It can't go on. Separate now, work on the issues, see what the future holds.

Thanks for your comments. I know in my heart we need to separate. It's a daunting prospect but I'm going to initiate that now. I think we can manage it financially okay, and I'm sure we can work together to bring up the dc.

I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't make it work, but the communication is just terrible, and I don't know where to start with him any more.

You can't communicate with a bully. What prompted you to think you have relationship problems that would benefit from counselling? Do you lose your temper with people other than your husband, for example? Were you an unstable or angry person before you met him?

Hope you're not in too much pain this morning.
If you haven't called police, you still can (101). Take a photo of the injury.

Stay strong, for yourself and DC.

Don't fall into the trap of assuming all relationships can work, and that it's your job to make them work. No one can have a good relationship where there is abuse.

You are never going to get through to someone who won't support you, and thinks a blow to the face resolves anything.

I do get angry and I'm exploring that. It's not really affecting the rest of my life in a negative way though. I get on with colleagues and friends okay.

I am afraid of intimacy and this has affected previous long term relationships meaning I've just gradually drifted apart from people, but no violence before. So I know some of this is to do with me, but I also think that there's self-preservation on my part and that I'm not intimate with him because I don't trust him.

How did I let myself get into this mess? I have to go to work tomorrow and I have a cut on my face.

If you get angry with him but can be reasonable and rational with friends and family then the likelihood is that you don't have 'anger issues' but that the problem is localised. If you are married to a man you don't trust, who upsets you, and who is clearly very aggressive, then, whatever the rights and wrongs, you need to end the relationship as a matter of urgency. When you're in a hole, stop digging and ask for a ladder instead ....

The cut on your face may be a blessing because it gives you the opportunity to tell the truth. Please talk to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and get some advice on how to get yourself out of this relationship safely.