Abuse and the Aftermath (Long...sorry)

[Turmoil]

I am a regular on here and some of you already know me but as this is so personal I have changed my chat name.
To cut a long story short I think was sexually abused by my father. I had forgotten about this and it has only been since I had my two sons that some of the memories have started to surface.
Without going into too much detail I don't think he went as far as some abusive fathers do but there was a lot of inappropriate behaviour. He used to show me and my sister pornogrphy, would pay too much attention to us when bathing us and used to encourage me to masturbate saying it would make me feel nice. God, I feel so sick now when I think back but at the time I didn't know his behaviour was abnormal. To make it worse my mother was aware of the way he was acting and to my knowledge never stopped him or said anything.
My parents are odd people at the best of times, I was never encouraged to make friends as they kept themselves to themselves and when I started to date boys they took my toothbrush out of the mug in the bathroom and told me to keep it away from theirs in case I gave them AIDS.
I left home at eighteen and have grown so much in confidence since that I feel like a different person. My sister on the other hand still lives at home, has no friends or job and I can;t ever see her leaving. I don't even know if she remembers as the abuse probably stopped when we were both around the age of eleven and I have only started to recall some of it in the past few years.
My dad had a major brain tumour four years ago and is now disabled though he still recognises me. I only see him around once a year as my parents relocated to Scotland after my dad recovered from cancer but I still feel obliged to visit them even though I feel angry and bitter over my lost childhood. I thank my lucky stars I had two boys and not girls as I would not trust him around them. Even so, I never leave my sons alone with him.
I just don't know where to go from here. My husband doesn't know and if I told him he would be in Scotland straight away to deal with him which I don't want on my conscience. None of my friends know either - I just wouldn't know where to start. I think perhaps the worst thing about all this is my dad is a rich man and even though I want to move and sever all contact with him, part of me thinks I should hold on and wait for my inheritance. If he was a stranger who had physically assaulted me I would be paid compensation and I honestly think that sick b*stard owes me for what he has done to me and my sister. I know I must seem cold and coniving but I have had this in my head now for years with no-one to turn to and just don't know what to do for the best. I can't afford to see a councellor and I can't deal with this alone for much longer.
I know this message probably seems disjointed, long and a little weird but this is the first time I have ever spoken about this and it has all come flooding out.
Can anyone help me?

Oh Turmoil, I'm so sorry for you and what you're going through. You obviously know you're in the right place for advice and support. I have no advice to offer, I'm afraid, I wish I did, but I wanted to give you support and a hug. You clearly need to get this off your chest and find some way to deal with it that gives you a happy future, but I have no idea what that could be. Could your GP be a first port of call? xxx

I think you really need to talk about this, you are at the stage where you need to get it all out of your system.

Can you arrange to see a counsellor or psychotherapist? They know how to tap into the right emotions to help you open the floodgates. Telling another person is most therapeutic, feeling listened to and understood is wonderful and the process of explaining to someone else also helps you to order your thoughts and feelings for yourself.

I wouldn't try to decide on any course of action until I had thoroughly talked it through in this way.

My ex did this to my two daughters until such time as I found out - he never got another chance to to be alone with them after that! So I really do feel for you and if you want to talk to me at any time please do.

Turmoil
I agree it would be a good idea to speak to a counsellor - I don't know much about it but I wouldn't have thought you would have to pay. I think you are brave to post this message and I hope someone replies with more detailed information. I wish you well and thinking about it made me go and give dd a big hug . I wish you all the support you need. You have started talking now and that is really important

Thank you so much Janstar and Ponygirl. I do need help and talking to someone detached from me and my situation would definitly help. My GP is an old man in a one doctor practice, he is very unapproachable and I wouldn't feel comfortable telling him at all. All the other surgeries in the area are oversubscribed so I guess this is out of the question. Do you know if there would be anyway I could see someone free as our household income is really low and I couldn't afford to pay much towards it.
Thanks again for your support

Thanks Colette as well - our messages crossed

Turmoil maybe a good start would be a help line for victims of abuse.

eg

Breaking Free
Suite 23-25, Marshall House
124 Middleton Road
Morden
Surrey SM4 6RW
tel: 020 8648 3500
email: [email protected]
Primarily supporting adult female survivors of childhood sexual abuse, offering individual support and counselling, group support sessions, support via letter and a quarterly newsletter. Acts as an information and signposting agency for male/female survivors, friends, relatives, and other professional agencies.

They may be able to help and point you in the direction of someone local to you.

Best of luck with this, it sounds like a nightmare. ((()))

Hi Countess

Thanks for the details. I have just e-mailed them so hopefully they will be able to help. I have kept this to myself for years now and need to get some advice / help urgently.

Thanks again x

well done, turmoil, you have been very brave. good luck to you.

Wanted to add my bit in here as this is a sensitive subject and you don't often get the chance to purge your soul. I was abused by my half brother and my father. No full intercourse or anything so bad but my brother would make me watch him masturbate, get in bed with me and touch my breasts. He also perfromed oral sex on me once. It all came out after I hade a fight with another girl and as I had told some girlfriends ( I was only 12 at the time ) the girl who I had a fight with told my mum. It all came out after that, and all my dad said to me was that everything was alright, I wasn't to worry about it and that was that. About a year after that my Dad started touching me inappropriately. This went on for about 3 years and eventually when I was quite a bit older I told my mum.

The silly thing is I still love my dad very much although I can't forgive him for not being the trustworthy man a dad should be. I feel as though he has stolen something very precious from me. So I get the turmoil of the abuse AND the confusion of still loving my family.

I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Hi Turmoil

I haven't posted before, but will break the habit of lurking for this.

You're not the only one -- it happened to me as well (my Dad, too). Similar stuff to what you outlined in your post, and although everyone's experience is different, I do recognise the feelings you're describing now.

I think just starting to deal with it is the hardest part, as you have too many conflicting emotions coming up at the same time. I remember feeling completely paralysed by being pulled in several directions at a time, and angry and bewildered at not being able to get any kind of handle on describing or understanding my experience. If it's any help at the moment, it does get easier eventually -- it's not that you get to the point where it doesn't matter any more, but it will at some point stop taking over your life, although it doesn't happen overnight.

One thing that did help me was being told that you don't have to feel guilty about your emotions if you feel a certain way, then you do, and you can't change it at that point (although your feelings will alter over time). You're not cold, conniving or weird your feelings seem entirely reasonable to me.

Talking about it really really does help, although it is incredibly hard at first. There should be NHS psychotherapy in your area, although you need to exercise judgement some psychiatrists/psychologists are brilliant, others will be considerably madder than you. I speak from experience here... Also beware of people who try to offer you solutions you need someone who will listen and help you talk.

Possible ways of accessing help are: health visitor (I had a long talk with my children's HV when all was a bit much for me); if you can get a recommendation for a good GP you could visit them as an emergency/visitor and get a referral that way; major psychotherapy training schools will have clinics where they see people at reduced cost or free. And remember, it's not that you're mad -- you've had experiences that would challenge anybody's ability to cope, and a good professional will give you the space and support you need to begin to unravel your experiences and emotions and knit it into something new.

I hope this helps -- if I can be of any use, post a message and I'll keep checking the board. Hang in there. It does get better.

froggy

Turmoil, would it help to speak to the Samaratans - you can do this without a waiting period and it's free. I don't mean instead of seeing a counsellor, but before you see a counsellor. It seems like you are remembering and piecing together some of the things for the first time ever. Am I right? if the process is very painful right now, talking to an anonymous someone could help clarify things. Also - as I'm sure you know - what has prompted these memories and wish to communicate your feelings after all this time? is there some sort of crisis or fear of crisis in your present life?

This is a disjointed message too, but just wanted you know I am thinking of you.

turmoil, I just want to say well done too. This must be very hard to deal with but well done for starting the process.

Its nice (and also very sad) to know that I am not alone in this. Jan H - I am so sorry for what happenned to your daughters. Shush and Froggy - what can I say, you both probably feel as bad as I do. I am very grateful for all of you who have taken the time and courage to break the taboo and talk about your own experiences. Unfortunatly I don't have a HV as my sons are past the baby stage and I really don't want to tell my husband, so any help I do get will need to be confidential. I am hoping Breaking Free will be able to guide me on this one. Does anyone know any way I could access NHS psychotherapy without having to go through my unhelpful Doctor - the less people I have to tell face to face the better.
Shush - I hope you don't mind me asking but did your Mum do anything after you told her? In a way I feel the same as you - most of the time I despise my Dad for what he did to me but sometimes a little bit of me still loves him and feels sorry for him because he is ill (both because of the cancer and because of what he did to me). I hate feeling so mixed up about this. If anyone who has posted and has had the same thing happen wants to contact me please feel free to do so - I don't know how to contact anyone directly and don't want to intrude so I will leave it with you. Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice - I don't feel so alone now.

Just wanted to send my warmest thoughts ((((Hugs))) and wishes for strength to help you through this time. I have to say that i think you are all so very very brave in opening up to yourselves and others. We are all here to listen and support. Have you tried to see if there are any groups on line/real time meetings and or books on Adult Children of Abusers?? This may help you.

Hi Turmoil - my mum was in pieces after I told her about my dad. It was awful to watch her go through it again. For her to realise that I had been let down again and by my own dad must of been too much to bear. I think I begged her not to call the police. I don't think she really ever forgave my dad, not deep down. I always say that things you bury will come back and it's how you deal with them at that time. I tried counselling but couldn't afford it after about 3 sessions. I was surprised I had to pay for it even!

Anyway, I'll help you anyway I can. Feel free to ask any questions.

Hi Turmoil - my mum was in pieces after I told her about my dad. It was awful to watch her go through it again. For her to realise that I had been let down again and by my own dad must of been too much to bear. I think I begged her not to call the police. I don't think she really ever forgave my dad, not deep down. I always say that things you bury will come back and it's how you deal with them at that time. I tried counselling but couldn't afford it after about 3 sessions. I was surprised I had to pay for it even!

Anyway, I'll help you anyway I can. Feel free to ask any questions.

dear turmoil please please get help. my mother was raped by her own father when she was 13. she has never sought help so is 'stuck' and can never get 'over' it (whatever 'over' means....?) the consequences have been that she has been an alcoholic all her adult life and i am the alcoholics daughter who has tried for the past 24 years desperately to 'mend' her so she can move forward in someway. it is still the 'family secret' - just me and my dad know. all i can say is please seek help and don't let it have the power to become the most significant thing to happen in your life. it has been for my mum and it is so so sad. she could be so much more, if she wasn't so afraid of living. hugsxx

GP may be a good first port of call as you can to get psychotherapy on the NHS. I hope you have a supportive one - good luck

Hi. I was abused by my grandfather every weekend for 4 years. He used to 'pay me for doing his housework'. I felt like a prostitute cos it wasn't that he paid me for. When I started having sex with my (now) husband, it was very awkward, and all the memories came flooding back when he would touch or say things to me in a certain way. I had to tell him, and he was brilliant. It was a weight off my shoulders. My mum doesn't care that this happened to me, and keeps saying that its in the past. Although it will never change, it does get easier. The time I felt like I was dealing with it better was when i got the phone call to say he had died. Tears of relief to say the least...i no longer had to keep looking over my shoulder for him. I recieved some money in his will and i donated it all to charities that help people who have been through what we have. I didn't want that money as i felt like it was a final payment to me for my 'serices'. I really hope you find a way through this. I had no-one to help me and ended up slashing my wrists at the age of 12. Counsellers just messed up my head more than ever, making me tell them things i didn't want to. If you need to talk to someone, please don't hesitate to contact me. I know what you are going through and you can't do it alone, no matter how much you think you can. Its up to you as to whether or not you tell hubby, but if i was you, i would, cos if you don't it might end up affecting your relationship and sex life. believe me. You know where i am if you need me. its sometimes better to talk to a stranger, and not face to face, cos you don't feel as threatened or have to say anything you don't want to. Take care and good luck x x x

I don't want to make an inappropriate interjection when a number of you have been through this dreadful experience, but presumably for those of you who were abused by their father, you mum was completely oblivious and unsuspecting about this?

What scares me is this - I trust my dh implicitly with my dd and cannot conceive that he would do anything so terrible to her...but then presumably that's what a lot of women think about their husbands only to be proven wrong. How would a mum be able to tell if her daughter (or son) was being abused by her husband?

(Don't get me wrong I have no suspiscions - but that's my point, does anybody have any suspiscions before the dreadful truth comes out?)

Hi, handlemecarefully

I'm very cautious about generalising, since I know everybody's experience is different. I've asked myself this too, as I have two daughters. In my own case I think on one level my mother must have 'known', although probably not consciously, since the marriage and the family was dysfunctional in all sorts of other ways as well. On another level she didn't know, and didn't want to know, and has with hindsight rewritten all sorts of things that happened.

For myself, my reaction to growing up with these secrets and bad atmospheres has been to try and be very upfront with the children about feelings and to make a conscious effort to get them to think and talk about how they feel. I suspect that abuse is more likely to go on in a relationship or family where there are emotional no-go areas or power imbalances or odd secrets and blindspots.

My hope is that by being very open and honest with them that they would be likely to tell me about any difficult unpleasant experiences -- abuse aside, this should hopefully stand us in good stead through their teenage years...!

Thanks frogs,

That makes a lot of sense - i.e encouraging open communication etc