Anyone else blame themselves for abuse?

[superstarheartbreaker]

I have posted about my abusive ex a few times now. It ended 15 years ago but the pain is still a dull ache in my heart.
I am starting emdr therapy next week as I feel quite traumatised by the abuse and felt that he robbed me of the best years of my life. From 17-21 when all my mates were carefree and partying and building careers I was being chipped away at until I became a shell. I almost died as he controlled what I ate... I must have been so stupid to let it get to that stage ...right?
We split when I was 21 and in my 20s I spent the time basically drinking, partying, shagging around and taking medication to forget abuse. Plus a short stay on a psychiatric ward after hooking up with him for a few nights again.
Needless to say I couldn't form any lasting relationships whilst in this state, tbh nor did I want to as was terrified of being controlled.
However, I do blame myself for staying with this man, even though I tried to escape many times. I even chose to go to uni in Glasgow- the other end of the country to physically get away from him...even though emotionally I was very much still attached to him. I had to drop out of uni anyway but went back to study something different when we split.
I always feel that I missed being with the right guy by being with the wrong guy. I also feel that my life ended at the time of abuse which is rubbish.
I guess something else I feel is when I hear stories of happy romances such as my sisters ' we met on a train in America when I wasn't even looking for love and 4 years later we are happily married with kids'. I feel happy for her but I just think 'that kind of thing doesn't happy to me, I am unlucky in love.'
How do I stop this as I want to be lucky one day!

[superstarheartbreaker]

I guess I feel that I missed the happily married boat as most people meet their husbands at uni. I did fall in love with someone at uni and he liked me but I couldn't handle it due to abuse. He was from my hometown and I sometimes see him with his gf. Makes me sad.

[OurMiracle1106]

You sound so like me. Married my abusive violent ex at 17, left him two years ago at 23. I blamed me for never realising it was abuse but that's all I have ever known. I've been through hell and back repeatedly. I am doing therapy. I have another session on Monday. My sister was abusive and mum was powerless to stop it. I was sexually abused as a 12year old and kept that secret til my mum died. My ex was abusive mentally emotionally physically and sexually. And then I got involved with someone who then went on to rape me.

I've met some lovely people but I can't settle or let them in. I am getting better little by little but it's a long road ahead.

The therapy will help.
Hugs

[iMacHunt]

Not as severe as you but I was with my ebusive ex for 11 years. If it wasn't for my dc's then I would be very, very hard on myself for being with him so long. But it wasn't until I left and with the help of mumsnet that enlightened me to the abuse.

Never settle for abuse and it is awesome that you haven't.

I have met someone who treats me right as an equal. It does happen. I do believe that I have learnt a lot from these boards and I have a good sense when iy comes to what I will put up and not put up with in a relationship.

The right guy may come along for you. I am the same as you as in I now that I spent my 20s with the wrong person amd I wish I had met my bf back then. But that is how life has worked out for me. And conditions mean that it wasn't actually right for us to meet until a year ago. That's just how it turned out for us.

Plenty of time for you OP. It's complete shit that you have had to put up with abuse but hopefully you now know what red flags to look out for and that you have the confidence to settle with the right man for you.

[Appletini]

Sorry posted by accident. It happens in your brain and you get stuck with it - it's partly because it's so very painful to acknowledge how badly hurt, traumatised and betrayed you were so you mind feeds you self-blame to protect you from that.

You weren't stupid. It wasn't your fault - and you DID miss out, you have every right to acknowledge and grieve for that.

[Appletini]

Argh sorry lost half my message.

Self blame is a defence mechanism and not one you choose, was meant to be the start.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Thanks so much. I have read 'why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft and intellectually why it is harder to leave an abusive relationship (Stockholm syndrome) but emotionally I feel stupid. Agggrrr I guess therapy will help.

[Appletini]

When you feel stupid, that's the abuse talking. You survived a very difficult experience that taught you to feel bad and blame yourself as that's how your abuser wanted you t

[Appletini]

...to feel (iphone gremlins sorry). It may feel like the truth but it really isn't.

[Tinks42]

OP no you are NOT stupid. I believe that you can stay "stuck" emotionally at the age the damage/trauma occurred. Im a huge advocate of therapy and it will help you if you really want it to.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Thanks all for the kind words. I remember saying to the on that I wasn't sure if I could finish my degree as I wasn't very intelligent. He told me that I was VERY intelligent! He was only the om in my head as we didn't do anything physical and he had a gf at the time so no go.

[superstarheartbreaker]

The a users catch phrase would be ' because your weak' which he spat out from time to time. Why I didn't deck him one there and then is beyond me. Gosh , he really did a number on me. Wanker.

[Tinks42]

OP, the abuser is ALWAYS the weak one.

[superstarheartbreaker]

I think it's my subsequent lack of luck in love that gets to me. I have become quite defeatist and I don't know how to break the pattern. I just need to stop thinking it will never happen to me as it might well do!

[Tinks42]

OP, women have been "conditioned" to think that they cant have a life unless there is this some sort of love factor going on with a guy at a terrible cost to them. I personally never wanted a mans feet under my table so to speak and thought like you, why cant I have love, why cant I do what it takes, am I bad? No not at all. I just didn't want it yet, that's all... Enjoy your singledom, enjoy not having to compromise, enjoy being you for now.

[Quitelikely]

OP please see a therapist who has experience in abuse. You are in control of your own life. Not your ex. You are responsible for your own future. No one else. Good luck

[superstarheartbreaker]

Thanks all. Am seeing abuse councillor soon.