desperate 20 years

[cantstanditagain]

For over 20 yrs, dd was in a violent marriage, financially and emotionally.
He destroyed her career (lawyer) and whole life.(he didn't work through that time), she narrowly missed prison.

To escape the past, they emigrated to Australia to "begin a new life"
He assured her he would work and support the family.
I doubted this going on past history, but dd was adamant that he would change!(dd would never "allow me to say anything, afraid that it would escalate the abuse)

Within 1 week, yes 1 week! he gave up work, leaving it to dd to support them, all this in a new country, with no network of family or friends.
So yet again it was down to dd to provide financially.

Yet to appease him, to keep him happy, i.e so he wouldn't abuse her, dd brought him everything he wanted, cars/motorbikes/foreign holidays etc.
Through the years he left her/ threw dd out of the family home ( by the throat in front of gc)to move the latest gf in.

Allowed her back in to the family home when new gf didn't work out,to be back with the children.

The same pattern of behaviour continued for years, each time she would "feel sorry " for him when he came crying back to her.

This narcissistic abusive bastard reduced my dd to a quivering wreck, yet she managed to keep working to keep a roof over her children's heads.

(he never contributed a penny for them)

The last time he threw dd out of the family home,(6 years ago) he managed to sell it secretly, using the proceeds to take the latest gf on a tour of Europe.
Eventually he was actually deported back to the uk.

Fortunately I was in a position to pay the deposit for a new home for dd.

But, the desperate worry is this.

Meantime, dd has met a lovely man, good job/kind/loving,(good past history) he has been a pillar of support for her.
We have met him numerous times and she is happy and feels totally cared for and loved.

But, the two gc are now adult and have returned to the uk, so of course dd wants to return too, she is feeling alienated there alone with no family.
She has an established and successful business there, but could manage financially somehow if she returned to the uk with her partner, who wants to marry her.
He will buy a home here in the uk for them to live, but doesn't want the responsibility of two young men as well- he is 63-
This is my nightmare that is keeping me awake at night- I am 70--

DD has said if new partner won't have her 2 adult sons living with them in the new home in the uk, she will end the relationship.
She "wants to provide the family home" in the uk- she is 55 now.

HELP, this will leave the door open to the narcissistic abusive ex-h to waltz back into her life, he is now living in a rented flat, and is a sad bastard.
He can talk the talk as he has always done, manipulating and controlling dd in all ways imaginable.

Dd has been with her new dp for 5 years, and it is only because of this that her exh has ceased his bullying and fearsome control.
But if he isn't with her when she returns to the uk, all hell will break loose yet again, and history will surely repeat itself.
I have had decades of fear/abuse/control and manipulation from this evil person, I can't take anymore.

apologies for long message

cantstandit I really feel for you. It's a terrible thing to see your adult child making wrong decisions and suffering unnecessarily.
Your DD is very lucky that her new partner is willing to come to live in England and start a new life here.

As your adult GC made the decision to leave Australia they must have homes already sorted? are they not already happy and secure and settled where they are? Perhaps try and make DD see that she must relax those apron strings as her sons have already done for themselves?
It sounds like she's clinging to them for some kind of security maybe, but they're grown and need to forge their own lives now.

I just don't know how you get all this over to her and also persuade her that she needs to follow her own hopes and dreams for herself now and enjoy life (for once)

(for once) that is about right, thank you to enjoy her life.

Dd has spent the last few decades being the "anchor" for her family.
Maybe, yes, you are right, perhaps she is so ground down by life that she " needs" her children to want to need her.
Her 2dc, my gc, are about to study here in the uk, they have a permanent place to stay here, but dd wants to recreate the family home for them, but in reality perhaps for her too?
The big question is------Should she abandon her wonderful loving partner, to provide a new "family home in the uk?
Her children are 19&21.

This is a bit out of left field - but would it be possible for you to provide the 'family home' for your two GC especially as they'll likely not be there that much if they're studying ?

She might accept it from you, especially if you present it as wanting to have some younger people in the house to help you - and getting to know your GC better.

PS - and as they have a place to stay lined up, it might be that yours was only a 'notional' home eg some books and clothes around the place.

I don't think she should leave her partner, does her dc even want to live with your daughter? And they are going to fly the nest at some point, and when they do she may well regret her decision ...

I agree that if you can, that perhaps you could be there place to stay. Best of all worlds!! X

I couldn't be with a man who would not accept that my children would always have a home with me if they needed it: no matter how old they were.

thank you, yes, that is my feeling too.
they all got on well together, in Australia, but now the lads are back in the uk, and have "flown the nest" technically, he wants a quiet life.

as he is 63 and dd 53, he feels that having 2 young men-and financially help to support them , will be too much of a burden.
I guess he is at the age when retirement is looming, and after a lifetime of working hard, is wanting to take it easy.
he isn't saying that they must never come to stay, simply that living together for the foreseeable future he couldn't handle it, at least he has been honest.
I spoke to my dd on Skype last night, she is physically and mentally exhausted, but is adamant that if they-dd and dp- move back to the uk, a family home must be proved for her two adult dc.
although, they have secure accommodation already and are happy, moving on with their studies.

For every abusive bastard there's a woman who will put up with it because she's lacking in self respect and esteem. Your daughter needs counselling to find out exactly why she allows herself to be a doormat to this twat.

Like I said once you're a parent you never stop worrying do you.
She, DD, is worrying about her grown up sons and you are worrying about her in turn.

I really do think she's viewing her sons as a constant in her life and that she needs them to need her. There's a world of difference between letting your children know that you are absolutely always there for them in a time of need and insisting that their 'family home' is within your home.

As GCs have already made the decision to come over here and have set up places to live and study then you need to help her see that this is their current priority and her best course is to support them through that.

DD has back history of being abandoned or left and probably needs to speak to a professional to work through this and to learn that you don't keep children close to you by tying them, you let them go to keep them coming back.

This could actually be a happy turning point for her looking at marriage, some contentment and the knowledge that she'd successfully brought up her children to be independent adults who will form good relationships and in time enlarge the family circle.

It all sounds so easy when it's analyzed by strangers doesn't it. Where she is lucky though is having concerned support from her parents and a partner who loves her. Please don't let it all keep your awake at night OP, you also have to allow her to work through things and reality is that there's not too much you can do about it all if she remains adamant and determined.

Hen15, thank you.
Dd certainly is financially supporting her 2dc here in the uk.

It's just that she is attempting to obtain the- at the moment- impossible dream to buy a property here to use as a "family home" for her sons to come back to with "mum at home"

She has a large property and business in Australia, but little equity, but sufficient income to support her 2dc in the uk.

Se could be very happy here with her dp, he is quite a wealthy man, so money wouldn't be tight , except she wouldn't have her present income as it isn't relocatable.
Her dp certainly loves her, and will uproot himself if it means being together.
So, I guess, only time will tell how this will turn out.

It only goes to show, how an abusive marriage 2 decades ago, can have such serious consequences many years down the line.
Dd always said she wanted to "keep the family together", but it has been proven that it can only destroy lives in the long run.

Did she outright reject the notion of your home being the 'notional' family home?

In any case, I think you ought to try to get her across for a holiday and a long long talk. I realize it's a heck of a long journey (and you said she's exhausted) but presumably she would need to come back before moving house in any case? She really couldn't mastermind a move across the world via the internet in the circumstances without having an initial recce and having her back for a couple of weeks might be good for both of you.

Your daughter sounds so lucky to have this wonderful opportunity after so many years with a bastard for a partner. You have said that your GC are settled into accommodation and now that they live independently they might not want to live with their mum again and her much older new bloke... Much older than them that is, not her btw... Perhaps she should do a bit of counselling to help her work through all her emotions as she could not have come out of last relationship without emotional scars. Perhaps she could agree on buying home with a spare room where her children could come and visit whenever they wanted. She is a grown woman who has experienced so much in her life so you can only sit back and watch her decide her own fate. I hope she can find a way forward and realises that's it's ok to cut the apron strings a bit now. She will always be their mum and they will always love her, she has nothing to prove. I wonder if DC are the ones insisting on family home together or if this is her dream. Perhaps deep down she is finding obstacles to avoid moving here and being alone with her new partner...... Who knows what's going on deep down.

In which case cantstandit could you perhaps have a chat with her about how the family being 'kept together' is an emotional thing not necessarily a physical thing?
People who live under the same roof can be emotionally very separate as she found out to her cost in her first marriage.

By the way and I hope this makes you smile, I am Hen eye five, a secret and mysterious being

Good point HenI5, I believe it is dd who is insisting , to herself, that she needs to provide the "family home" in the uk.( I will ask her that tonight)

The main obstacle is that not only will she not have an income- which presently supports her 2 dc in the uk- if she moves back to uk from Australia alone-or a credit rating to allow her to rent for herself.

It just seems sad that she has a dp, who loves her dearly, and who would buy their home in the uk, but dd has the "need" to want to provide that home for her boys!
True as well, "keeping the family together" totally destroyed many years of dd's life, and not wanting to be pessimistic, but must have affected her 2 dc, not that it is apparent at the moment.
All food for thought.

Surely at 55 your daughter is old enough to fight her own battles. After twenty years of abuse and educated to the level to be a lawyer, if she hasn't wised up by now, sadly she never will. Surely there must be something in her childhood for her to have such low levels of self esteem!

Is that meant to be such a low blow gering?

Do we not all know well brought up, confident and happy people who during their adult life have either a bad experience or a traumatic relationship which damages them?
If you don't then I certainly do. People who function at a high professional level without perhaps having a well developed personal esteem when it's been systematically battered. It doesn't matter who you are, how well educated, if you've suffered twenty years of abuse you're by definition not best placed to move on.

Besides all that, the point of this thread is to help a concerned mother figure out how best to help her adult daughter move forward, not to start pointing the finger at how she might (possibly) have been a better parent going back to half a century ago.

From experience you could be an excellent parent by any standards but lives don't go according to plan.

Also from experience cant the scales do drop from their eyes and they turn their life around, so don't give up hope. Don't keep worrying yourself, just keep giving the right message and offering support.

I hope it turns out ok for all of you, if you find yourself in need of a sympathic ear feel free to PM me.

Gering is either a troll or the DP of an OP on a recent thread, don't engage.

What a sad situation.

It sounds like your poor DD is just desperate to create the thing that she has never had which is the family home in her own country, where everyone feels loved and secure.

I am not completely sure, but I think that in your situation, I might talk to her DP. He presumably understands the history? I don't think you need to tell him that your DD has discussed leaving him if he doesn't provide a family home for the boys, but you could say that you are worried that DD will be vulnerable being back here, that you are aware her ex is single and living in a flat and may try to make contact with her, and that she needs to feel invincible. And to that end, could he reassure her that although the sons have already got places to actually 'live', they are always welcome and perhaps set up a permanent bedroom for when they come to stay?

Or something along those lines. A compromise that makes her feel strong and together without her new DP being forced into a family situation he has clearly and honestly said he doesn't want.

Do you have the kind of relationship with him where you could have a conversation like that?