Could being fair in financial settlement backfire?

[alikat724]

So H and I agreed this morning to separate, have settled on a number for me to pay him out of house and walk away, and we both hope to keep things very civil for the sake of co-parenting 2.5yo DD.

Has anyone been scrupulously fair in their dealings with ex and had it could backfire, either in the divorce settlement or otherwise? I am worried that if I pay him out on an amount we both agree us fair, legally could a court ultimately decide I owe him more? And if in due course he doesn't honour his commitment to pay half for all DD-related costs, whether my recourse would be compromised? Will also post in Divorce but realise this area gets more traffic! Thanks all for any feedback....xx

Get a Separation Agreement drawn up and sealed at the court. This is what we are doing pending divorce. Similarly I have agreed a sum to buy him out and arrangements for Co parenting the dc's. All of this will be detailed in the agreement.

Thank you Bigred. I have a template for separation agreement to complete, did you do yourselves or was it done by lawyers? I understand they're not binding?

My experience is that being fair in anything rarely backfires.

I suspect unless it was manifestly and obviously unfair no court is ever gonna undo an agreement made between two parties. (in fact both mine and the ex's solicitors strongly encouraged us to do exactly this).

If he stops paying in the future i suspect that is a separate issue, and there will be separate ways of dealing with that.

I was scrupulously fair. In my case everything that we agreed between us was documented in the consent order and pension sharing annex which was sealed by the court. I don't see that the courts would over-rule an agreement between two parties unless the other party to the divorce had changed their minds and was contesting what had previously been agreed.

I suggest that you book some free initial meetings with some divorce lawyers (usually 30 minutes). Draw up a list of questions, including the one you ask here, and get some answers for free. I did that and it worked for me. I then chose my solicitor and was armed with some good information from the outset.

If you're in Scotland, alikat, there are different rules on separation agreements - they can be binding unless there are completely exceptional circumstances. (You quickly win top prize on Euromillions, I guess these days.)

Even if you're not there, I would suggest that you get some independent and/or solicitor's advice. Although you're determined to be civil and are co-parenting, remember that this man is no longer your friend. Get everything covered even if you think it's small beer.

And of course you should be scrupulously fair and honourable. In principle, it's a good thing and you'll sleep better for it. (And be able to discuss it more easily in later days with your DD.) On a practical basis as well - if anything ever comes to court, judges can easily see where one party to an action has been a shyster and that can sometimes inform a close decision.

Document the lot.

It depends if it is actually fair. Courts are not meant to sign off on agreements which leave one partner in the shit but often do if they one that is being left in the shit is adamant it is what they want.

I would not advise making a commitment to anything without legal advice and I think you have to remember fair is something that cuts both ways not something that gets you a good deal.

.....fair is something that cuts both ways not something that gets you a good deal......

Quite so. It's difficult to remember that sometimes.

Thank you Offred. Yes, it is fair - we cut the numbers several ways, and I've rounded up in his favour to save the legal fees of quibbling over £5k. I've heard previously of the free 30 min solicitors but have had no success finding one! Any advice where to find such rare beasts?

For the 30 minutes sessions I just googled divorce lawyers and then rang them and they pretty much all offered me a free 30 minutes. In fact one of those sessions ended up being over an hour! I am in London so that could well mean I have a larger choice but if you choose a city nearest to you and just crunch through telephone numbers I would have thought you could book a few appointments on the same day. I think by the third one you will have exhausted most of your questions and you can ring them back later with a quick question! I did that too... At the end of the day, they want your business and meeting more than one helps you find someone who you think will bat for your side.

I have recently divorced my ex wife , the divorce was stacked in my favour at her request due to an affair and wanting a quick divorce.. I used a solicitor I didn't use the free half hour it's just not long enough to sort things out.

My solicitor told me the judge can decide the divorce is unfair but if both parties have used a solicitor and agree to everything then it's unlikely, mine went through with full and final settlement with both of us happy with the out come.

Great, thanks herald. I was hoping we could seek a mediated settlement, but if lawyers give us more chance of the court simply signing off, will go down that route.

I was told by my solicitor that if the settlement was essentially fair (and a 5k difference probably isn't materially unfair) then a judge won't over rule it. You can also put a "clean break" clause in your settlement which means that neither of you can go back for more should you change your mind.

This worked for us and settlement (slightly in my favour due to dcs living with me and debtload built up supporting him while he retrained) went through ok.

good luck

You say you have rounded up in his favour but you need to consider whether he has a pension pot and if so whether he has signed any of that money over to you. If you have been a SAHM you have subsidised his building up of his pension and not been able to do the same yourself. You do need legal advice as there are future considerations that might not matter now but will later.

I was fair to my ex and we managed to remain friends (which was more important to me than financial gain - but then, I had that luxury).