Marital Counselling - has it helped you?

[WildBill]

I've lurked here for a while and have seen 'go to counselling' advice suggested in many threads. I'm curious if people think this really helps. I have 2 friends who are counsellors.
One has been for some years, has had much training etc. Is fully booked all the time. She never reveals details obviously but one day mentioned she'd had a long appointment with her 'regulars'. I asked what regulars meant as I thought counselling was supposed to last for a set period of say 6 weeks. This couple had been going to her weekly for 5 years. When I suggested maybe they should give up as it hasn't really worked for them she shrugged her shoulders and said 'it pays the mortgage'.

The other is a friend of the above who wanted to set up her own business. The attempt at social events organiser failed. The attempt at chef for private dinner parties failed so now she's just trained as a counsellor. Has an impressive website and you'd never know she hasn't even had one client yet.

I've kept my thoughts to myself with the above friends obviously.

I'm hoping to hear some success stories really as my knowledge of the above makes me slightly dubious that counselling is the be all and end all. Is it like weight watchers in that they want you to lose a bit of weight so you think it's working and keep going (but deep down they want you to struggle with losing/keeping the weight off and keep going back as it keeps them in business).

Relationship counselling - not really. If anything, going helped me & my dh bond over how useless the counsellor was. Maybe that was her cunning plan all along? But that doesn't mean they're all rubbish. That one was a with relate, by the way, and just a one-off.

Personal therapy-type counselling - my dh had some which really helped him when he was suffering from depression. He got 6 sessions from gp and his work paid for a further 12. It turned his life around. It was a long time ago now, but he acquired tools he uses every day to help him be more assertive, dynamic and get what he wants. He's a much happier person now.

Like anything, some are good, some bad, some indifferent. But if you are stuck and ready to end it all, walk out of your relationship or whatever, I'd say it's worth a try. Worst case, it doesn't work and you're no worse off.

Thanks I/we are not in a position to need counselling at the moment (though I'm realistic to know life changes and this may not always be the case).
I'm just curious as I have a slightly tainted view from comments and knowledge of the 2 counsellors mentioned above.

I have had some great relationship advice over the years from a neighbour who is now in her 80s. I'm leaning toward the view that if you want marital advice ask someone who is happily married etc........

Success in relationship counselling terms depends a lot on the people engaged in it as well as the skill of the counsellor. It also depends on what everyone's expecting to get out of it and how realistic they are. In relationship terms, too often 'let's go for counselling' is dragged out as the very last ditch attempt to retrieve something that is long past saving. Or one party will be keen for it to work, desperately trying to fix a problem and the other is just going along to pay lip-service but has no intention of changing.... that's no use. Where it will have merit is when both people in the relationship genuinely still like each other, want to make small improvements on how to relate better & both have an open mind about how to get there.

I found it helpful. Not becahse the counsellor offered some magical solution to our problems, that isn;t what they do, but because it have us a chance to lay out the situation and observe it objectively through the eyes of an impartial observer. Much of what we found out with him rang a few little bells anyway. Nothing came out that we didn't suspect already but it all became clearer and easier to address.

I am sure there are dodgy counsellors out there. I am sure there are some who simply don't gel with their clients. I guess its important to look around and find one who seems OK, and if it doesn't work, stop.

Regarding the couple with regular MC sessions, that's not so weird really. They may find it's the one time of the week when they get a chance to focus on their relationship to the exclusion of all else. If they can afford the fee and the time, why not? Not all relationship counselling is about fixing problems, it might just be about maintaining a good relationship.

Personally I think a third party can be extremely helpful in unblocking deadlocks in relationships. But lots of counsellors and therapists are rubbish...

I'm sure it can help. Didn't help us much, but I think my ex had made up her mind before she even let me know there was a problem....

One thing I found a problem though was that the focus is on how each person's emotional truth is equally valid - There's no objective truth in the equation (and I do understand why that's the case) - so it's all about how you feel relative to each other.

In other words, someone who's done something wrong learns to understand that it wasn't really their fault - because the way they feel drove them and at best they have to learn more about their feelings.

Conversely, the one who has been wronged learns to understand that actually their actions lead the other person to behave in the way they did.

So if the counseling doesn't work then (if you're not careful) one partner winds up feeling that everything they did wrong was right and justified, and the other winds up feeling that the fact they got hurt was their own stupid fault.

Again, I do get that there are two sides, and the councilor can't pick one - but if two birds are lost in a storm, and you reunite them by looking only at their relative positions you may bring them closer together, and that's a very sweet and noble thing to do.

But unless you also help them find where the ground is, they're still two lost birds.

Well I've tried and it was pretty laughable. I remember sitting there in floods of tears struggling to talk as I tried to articulate the disaster that was my marriage and the counsellor said "why do you think you are so upset?". Err.. Well how about my marriage is disintegrating and my life as I knew it is over.. At least it gave me and dh the first laugh we'd had in a while!! Have tried individual counselling twice since and been similarly underwhelmed although the last time the counsellor told me I was a very difficult client because I was too composed. I think it was probably her way of defending the fact that we'd made no progress whatsoever in several weeks. Anyway I cheered up eventually under my own steam though it took a good few years. I do have several friends who have had more positive experiences though.