Abusive ex,Need advice

[pheobebinks]

I have been on and off with my ex for years and most recently
finished for good as I've realised HE IS emotionally abusive.

The ex never lived with me even though we have a 6yr old.
He was unable to take our child to where he lives so I let him come
to my home freely. He has most recently been picking fights and
accusing me of moods etc when I have done nothing.

I had to call the police this week as he threatened to come to my
home for something he thought he left here(he hadn't) and he has
now been bailed. I have found out tonight after some digging that he
is seeing someone. It now makes sense that he has been abusive
and wants a bad relationship between us to make him feel less guilty.

I have cut contact with him now but I don't know what will now
happen with contact with our child? can anyone advise?

Sorry this is long and messy(first post) I'm in Scotland btw
Thanks to anyone who responds.

We had most recently been together for a few years,apart for 2
years before that. He ended it previously, this time it was mutual.

He has seen our child most days and stays over. I work shifts so
needed him to stay over to look after dc.

I can't believe im posting, im just in such a state and no one to
talk to. I have lurked here for years.

I do not want to be with my ex as he treated me so badly, he has
mental health issues he wont get help for but I am angry that he
was messing up my head trying to blame me for the fall out when
he was seeing someone.

We needed to have a friendly relationship because he has to see
dc here as he says his place isn't suitable and also because it is
the best thing for dc.

Phoebe ignore that absolutely rediculous spam above.

I understand you want your kids to have a relationship with their father, but you have to try and separate that on your head with the emotional, practical relationship between you and him. It's difficult and I'm sure wiser people will be along to give you more practical advice.

I should think it would be best for him to see your DC at a Contact Centre, or you'll be dancing to his tune forever simply because you had a child with him during your relationship. You aren't in a relationship now, he is abusive, and I can't quite understand why contact needed to take place at your home anyway. You need to have some defining lines. Set your boundaries and stick to them, even if you need to talk it out in RL with someone to help you do so.

Thankyou the cat and mistress. The reason the contact took place at
mine was because my ex says his home wasn't suitable. This is something he blames me for when we initially broke up, because
he has to pay maintenance and can't afford anything else.

I also wanted my child to see his parents get along. I think my
ex can't separate emotions and he feels he can't get along with me if he has a gf. I think it will also have to be through a contact centre but
the ex will be against this and has refused mediation.

I would also like to ask if I can ask that he takes a drug test before
he has contact(cannabis) I think this attributes to the strange
behaviour he displays. I don't know who to speak to in rl for advice.

I need to go and arrange childcare soon and working a dbl shift so
wont be back on again till late but I appreciate any advice given
and will reply later. I am jst so upset and angry as I have been more than fair and nice to my ex for the sake of my dc but he has hurt me
so much.

I have only recently realised he is EA thanks to threads on here.
The stonewalling, not being able to have any discussion without
him getting angry and blaming everything on me. I was living
with all that for the sake of my son but the mental abuse now,
picking fights and making out I have been in moods etc because
he has a new partner is so low and I can't believe anyone could
do that, let alone to your dc mother.

Find other child-care as a matter of urgency. If you keep having him in your home and you trust him with your child any argument you make about contact centres etc will not be taken seriously at all.

Then you need to talk to a solicitor. This is a complex case with quite serious implications as it involves domestic abuse and an aggressive, unreasonable man who is already known to the police. You therefore need to have legal back-up rather than trying to tackle this man single-handed over contact and maintenance.

I'm not sure if Womens Aid (0808 2000 247) extends to Scotland but they would be able to put you in touch with a solicitor that specialises in abuse cases.

But exclude him from your home or you won't have a leg to stand on.

I will definatly not have him not have him in my home again as
I cannot trust him now. His behaviour is getting worse. I have
been trying to phone womans aid but have yet to get through.
I only work p/t and can't afford legal advice and just don't know
where to start or where I stand.

At the moment there is no contact as I have had the phone he was using blocked as it's in my name.he has an email address but has
no internet access. I don't know if he will show up at my home but
I do not feel I can let him in, he gets very angry and will be more angry at spending the night in a police cell after I reported a threat.
He cannot see that it is his fault.

As there is evidence of domestic abuse in the form of a police report you should find - if the rules in Scotland are the same as England and Wales - that you qualify for legal aid. Womens Aid are always busy but be persistent. Citizens Advice Bureau are another source of free legal advice and may also be able to suggest a lawyer that specialises in family cases where abuse is present.

Do you have RL support from friends or family? Even GPs and HVs can be a useful way to access help.

Thanks Cogito. I will try womans aid again and other sources you
suggest. Luckily I do have family that will support me and are aware
of what's been happening. I just find it difficult trying to get across
what is happening as there is so much.