Advice/opinions on this behaviour please.

[Sparrowlegs248]

Bit of background. Been with DH for 12 years but married last year. Lived together 4 years. I have lived alone and been independant previously. He moved from his parents into the house we bought together.

He has some anxiety issues, some hoarding problems and (i think) some level of MH or autistic traits. Never been diagnosed.

So, this is a regular thing. I went shopping after work. Parked on drive, got 3 bags (bags for life) out of boot, licked car, went to walk down the side to the back gate. DH had parked blocking front door which usually means 'use the back door the gate is open'

Front door opens, i can see its open but can't see him due to positioning on his vehicle - he is backed up to within 18 inches of door. I offr a bag, he says. (snottily) two trips would have been better.

Basically he gets stupendously pissed off at me bringing the shopping in in one go. What if i slip? What if i damage my car or his? What is the point?

I can manage two light and one moderately heavy bags easily. I don"t see the issue.

Apparently i take no notice of him, its my way or no way. I'm a martyr. Etc.

Usually ends up in a row. I could make two trips but i never would if he wasn't in. It was raining and i needed the loo and i thought i was walking down the side and back.

Sounds really petty i know. He gets really bloody annoyed and i feel loathe to do something a certain way just so i don't piss him off.

I almist put this is aibu but bottled it.

What do you think?

Meant to say, I know I am very 'independant' and get on and do stuff. I find it easier to get on with stuff when he's not around as he can be critical of me 'rushing' and we approach things very differently.

How is the rest of your relationship, OP? Is this the only thing?

From that anecdote, it looks like he is of the 'I'm right, pay me attention, pick a fight' mentality over small things.

It can get very, very, wearying to live with. You've mentioned some issues HE has. But living with someone this petty can be very, very, emotionally draining for YOU.

Oh: if he's that concerned, why doesn't he come out and help you bring the shopping in, rather than stand there like Victor Meldrew?

Thanks for your reply. I was wondering if anyone would!

This is a good example of a 'bad' thing in our relationship. He would actually prefer it if i parked the car, walked in and asked him to get the shopping. He would probably get it about 20 minutes later. Its just not me, and never has been. I get infuriated at the comment about it being my way or no way, when actually he gets so annoyed when i don't do it his way.

As far as i see it, its me doing it, its only bloody shopping and i'm perfectly capable of doing it myself.

Sorry posted too soon.... He gets very bothered by small things, is very particular about certain things, and gets upset/angry because i just don't care if the neighbours park opposite our house, or if the cat has sharpened his claws on the shed.

He sounds like he could be controlling.

He seems to be picking rows so that you get intimidated into then 'letting him do things HIS way because its not worth the hassle'.

Also, the 'getting upset/angry' because you don't care about certain things is not a good sign.

People do lose their temper, over things that might make no sense to others, but it seems like he needs you to be as 'outraged' as he is to make a point? It must be very draining.

Does he have good points?

He does have good points. But he has some bad ones that being totally honest, make me wonder how we've got this far. To be fair, the bad ones appear less and less because, I think, I don't let him 'get away' with it. I don't change the way i bring the shopping in because, yes, it does seem controlling.

It is draining.

Or he could just be a very single minded pendant who honestly believes his way is the best way and is trying his hardest to make you understand why, and you never ever listen to his perfectly reasonable suggestions and carry on taking the same risks again and again and again.

Why are the females on these sights who will only accept one way to do the housework and nag and moan never called controlling.

That is his explanation sarcy but I honestly don't understand it. I am not a risk taker, i am not stupid, nor am I a child. I'm perfectly capable of bring three bags of shopping in, and for him to have such a reaction seems ott. I don't complain about how he brings the shopping in (which he does when he goes, or if we go together) If they were three heavy bags, or 4 bags, or it was icy or windy, I would make two trips.

He occasionally does housework and does it very well and very slowly. Up to him, its how he does it. I don't criticise or tell him off. Or get angry.

You mention autistic traits, Not, do you actually suspect that he is autistic?

There's a world of difference between somebody choosing to act this way, and getting a kick out of it, and behaving this way due to autism, as I'm sure you know.

Single minded pedant, controlling, if its detrimental to the OP's emotional welfare, and he can't talk about it in a civilised way, then its the same thing.

I presume she's never slipped, never damaged anyone's car - so why does he need to open the door with a dramatic flourish just to 'make his point'?

I personally find men who get irritated about controlling little issues in this way very, very tiresome. It's something wrong in them, it can't be fixed.

And it often doesn't get better as life goes on: they just get worse and worse, more nitpicky and more and more isolated and weirder as time goes on.

(and the consequence for the partner is that they end up having to tiptoe round the other OR they have to lose their own peace of mind as they 'debate' every small task or activity. What a way to live a life! ).

OP, you state 'some anxiety issues, some hoarding problems and (i think) some level of MH or autistic traits.' like its something 'easy', but it isn't?

You do know you're allowed to admit you've made a mistake when you've gotten married? You might just not be compatible.

Do you have kids?

He's getting arsey over how you carry shopping into the house??? You're a grown woman. You are more than capable of deciding how in carry shopping. He sounds rather controlling.

Here's a suggestion for him: he decides how he carries in shopping and you decide how you carry in shopping.

And why does he park so that he's blocking the door?

misfit I don't know. I am sure that there is something though. I spoke to his mum about it once and she agreed.

loge that my brief half arsed explanation of him. I jnow its not that simple. No children. I am 36 and appear not to be able to conceive as yet. I know you are prob going to say 'don' have children with him'. But then I may never have them. How bittr would i be.

goldfish that is my suggestion. Its just such a ridiculous thing to get in a tizz over.

The parking, if he parks to one side we can't get to the path/back door. To the other we can't get to the front door. God knows why this time he blocked the door AND kept the side gate locked

That is a point Misfitless OP do a search for 'autistic husband' or 'aspergers husband' in

But is it her 'job' then to fix/manage him? I think she should think carefully.

I dated someone once with I suspect similar issues.

It lasted...ooh five weeks?

Even though we were just casually dating, he'd constantly 'offer me advice' on the right way to do things, and often it was very bizarre and out of context?

Me: "I'm moving to X with my job at some point."
Him: "That is a bad idea. You cannot do that. I got robbed when I went to X."

If we were out he'd creep the bartenders out by staring at them and telling them they were doing things wrong, then throw a tantrum when they didn't listen.

He once counted up the lettuce leaves we got in a portion of salad then flew into a rage because I wouldn't 'agree' with him that we should call over the young, overworked waitress and demand our money back.

He'd get very worked up over 'people doing things wrong' which he phrased as 'not being respectful' and my 'job' was to sit and listen to him.

Constantly having to soothe, placate, or "fight ones corner" - why would anyone want that in a relationship when life is hard enough?

I will say he seems genuinely confused and angry. But then he says I'm a hypocrite, or am 'fucking unbeliveable' making a martyr of myself....etc.

I don't think he's that bad loge but maybe similar. I go and get sacks of animal feed. He prefers to get it in his larger vehicle which he is protective ovr. Will stand back when the shop man says he'll load it up. Then complain that he didn't do it properly (to me). I have suggested he do as i do and say 'its ok i'll do it'.

I think the source of it could be a number of reasons: personality, autism, his own family background.

Certainly OP, you aren't in the wrong for wanting to move/do your own shopping, there's no doubt of that

I think it is notable that your DH didn't move out from his parents place for ages

(with the guy I dated, he had lived away for work reasons but seemed to mainly socialise with his family - it seemed they were the only ones who could socially 'cope' with him, long term)

But the fact is his behaviour exists, you have to, and have been, and will have to deal with it.

I won't tell you what to do -I'm just a voice on the Internet - but bear in mind it won't just go away if you have kids with him.

I'm a tolerant person but getting arsey over you carrying three bags of shopping is ridiculous! And honestly not normal. I don't know if this is abuse but rather some other issue like mental iyswim.

Thank you loge Your nice post has made me rather tearful. I do love him, such a lot. I just find these episode so so hard to cope with. My way of coping is to shutdown somewhat. But then that makes him think i don't care.

He is really not social. He does have a lot of anxiety/lack of confidence over social occasions. To the point where we never really go out together.

Imagine how controlling he would be if you had children...

OP....if both you and his mother think he has issues then why on earth has no on bothered to get it diagnosed/checked and get him help?!!!!

I know you are prob going to say 'don' have children with him'. But then I may never have them. How bittr would i be A lot less bitter than realising you are in effect a single parent coping with TWO children. What if your health deteriorates? Who is going to look after you and your child if he can't even bring himself to do the smallest of things that come as second nature to most people? If he is controlling and exasperating now then it will be 100x worse once you've had a child and no doubt your relationship WILL suffer - do you want your child to be born into a mess and potentially broken home?

i suggest you seek professional help to get to the bottom of his issues and get him the help he needs IF he needs it. I suspect that as he has never cut the apron strings/lived on his own/been independent he is probably just lazy and selfish and used to his mum doing his bidding. now he's got you in place of his mum and he's going to try and mould you into her as well.

Pathetic excuse I know but its not all that easy to address these issues. He has a real complex, and i really don't relish the thought of being the one who says 'Actually DH, it is you'

Although no one else will do it i know. Tbh at my age I have been more concerned with actually getting pregnant than what will happen after. I will cope, even if our marraige doesn't.

As I said before, thing are improving and continue to. I really just wanted opinions on whether i was handling this reasonably. I did expect a proportion to tell me to just make two damn trips with the shopping...