Finally admitting our relationship is a complete mess, I know I should leave but how?

[Mammanat222]

I'll try to keep as brief as possible, I also want to remain as anonymous as possible.

OH of 10 years is in a hole. Unemployed and dependent on weed.

There I have said it.

It's not as cut and dried as that, of course it never is?

He is currently a SAHD, promises me that he doesn't smoke anything untoward whilst in charge of child (I believe him - there is no way he can afford to smoke that crap at the moment anyway) he does have roll-ups in the garden though.

In complete denial about his addiction - as am I. He is never "stoned" and if anything he is "better" when he has had a bit to smoke. He's always been this way.

Child is 18 months old, OH has never done anything to tackle his demons and I know I am perpetuating this by staying with OH.

There is no abuse - in the classic sense - but OH gets into very angry moods. He cannot be "told" about his shortcomings as he gets defensive.

He works as a builder and work has dried up. He is a 35 year old with no education or prospects but worse still he has no ambition and he doesn't want to be a better person. He hates the world and blames everyone else for his problems.

The odd bit of work when it comes up and a few jobs for friends keeps him in weed money. I would never pay for it and he has no savings / access to money. I control all that aspect.

House we live in belongs to a relative of his though, I can't kick him out. He wouldn't go anyway. House is all he has.

I am devastated and ashamed that I have let things get to this point. I should have left before the baby arrived but I just thought it would all be OK.

Things are such a mess. I just don't know what to do.

The worst part is I don't want to break up my family, I don't want me and my child to suffer because OH cannot sort himself out. It's a complete no win though.

I cannot afford to be on my own. I need my OH financially (he doesn't contribute much money-wise but I am not paying for childcare at the moment which saves over £1k a month)

I just don't know where to go with this all?

We don't argue as such (we barely speak) and of course child adores his Daddy.

What do I do?

The shame is not yours OP, you have not let it get to this point, your OH is an addict & until he decides to seek help then nothing will change. Remember the 3 C's:

You did not cause it, you can't control it & you can't cure it. Only he can.

His being a sahd worries me though, he can't be trusted & you can't take his word that he doesn't smoke it when he has parental responsibility as an addict will prioritise their addiction above everything, including your child (I speak from experience).

You have options, you don't have to stay & its a complete myth that a child is always better off with his (unhappy) parents staying together. Children will sense tension in a household & if they get the slightest whiff that all the unhappiness of their adults is caused by staying together for them, then the guilt they will bear is immense. Never assume its best to keep the family together especially when you instincts are screaming at you to leave

You may be entitled to claim housing benefits & other benefits which mean you can afford to live by yourself. Its daunting yes, but make yourself an appt with the CAB (free) & get your position clear in your head about the splitting of any assets you share. Being a single parent can be hard yes, but its often a relief to leave the OH & the day to day living is less stressful.

Once you know where you stand with the financial stuff then its easier to stand your ground & know where your path lies. You both deserve better than this, you know that :)

I agree with the above. You have options and it will give you confidence to seriously explore what those options are. He's behaving in a way that you cannot - and for the sake of your child's safety and wellbeing must not - tolerate. We can debate the pros and cons of weed smoking but, in his case, it's clear that the effect is to make him angry, moody, detached, depressed, unpleasant and - very important - unemployable. Left untreated, this behaviour will escalate. If he has 'demons' they are his to resolve and not your responsibility.

So please listen to onetiredmummy and find out where you stand financially. Use what you find out to either make a plan or issue an ultimatum. Good luck

You should be covered by tax credits for child care.

Think about how you'll feel in 18 months if you're still there?

As a sahp he could be in a position to get primary custody with you supporting him.

Do you want to leave? Because if yes, then don't let the logistics keep you in an unhappy relationship. There is always a way.

But if you are basically happy, but just feel worried your dp isn't matching society's idea of what a father should be, that is another issue.

You could move out and bring the baby to him every day as childcare. You could move out and claim tax credits to help with the childcare. You could live separate lives in the same house.

Thanks - lots of food for thought.

I was in a not too dis-similar relationship when I was younger. Back then I was able to put my most important possessions in a black bag and walked out. This is not as simple. The main reason being is that like a mug I do still love my OH.

Just to clarify that the addiction is not a reason for him being unemployed. He is a self employed builder but due to my maternity leave ending he had to stop working to take care of child. This was meant to be for a 6 week period and here we are 6 months later..

A big long-term project never materialised hence him still being a SAHD. Otherwise child would have gone into childcare. Sadly nothing else has come up on the work front. He isn't unemployed as he smokes too much weed... Also I think the low moods etc are a result of the work situation. He has no money, no freedom and is struggling with being main carer.

The smoking situation is "bearable" when he is working (he smokes one an evening, maybe 2 or 3 at the weekends if I am having a glass of wine), when child is in bed.

He does smoke roll-ups in the day. As an Ex smoker it pisses me off that he still smokes anything.

I know it's not my fault and I know that unless he truly wants to seek help nothing is ever going to change. I also know that my child deserves better. I do not ever want him to see his Dad how he has been recently.

I think my issue is that I am so freaking stubborn and I feel that I can force the change. I cling on to a belief that one day he will wake up and see all he has and sort his life out.

I feel so angry that I am having my dream of a family taken away from me but his inability to clean his self up.

Thanks for listening, I haven't been able to tell anyone is RL

I know I might get some comments back about saying this but... Your DC is the only one I feel sorry for in this and is the only innocent one. Why choose to stay so long with someone like that as it is, nevermind bringing a child into it. If he can't change for the sake of his DC then I doubt he will for any other reason

Im probably also going to get my head bitten off..... Doesn't really sound like your partner is "addicted" to weed either, sounds more like his "stress buster" of choice as yours is a drink or two.

Sounds more like he's feeling a bit immasculated to me and has got himself in a bit of a rut being the sole carer etc. and finding it hard getting work. Also sounds like you just don't love him anymore.

You can also leave as someone else said and get tax credits to support yourself and your child.

Yes I think the weed is a red herring. But you must know that he won't just magically see what he needs to do to make him self a decent partner.

He sounds like one of lifes "sloths" and that's just what he is, you won't change him no matter how hard you try. It's not enough for you anymore (it wouldn't be for me either by the way).

Op... Put it like this. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that smoking weed is 'normal?
It is a disgusting drug: very psychoactive and why it is classed as a soft drug is beyond me.
He has no motivation because of weed and I bet he's paranoid too.

Also he can still babysit if you split. He should if he can't be arsed to get a job.

But I guess it depends on you see the drug.

You are very right there superstar. I remember smoking weed for a bit in my early 20's and decided it wasn't for me. Im a more "motivated" type of person, like I said, I feel weed is the choice of sloth personalities

If he is looking after the baby all day then he is busy and he is doing a 'job' . Does he do housework, cooking etc? If the sexes in this thread were reversed would the OP be getting the same responses???

I am not a fan of weed (or any drug) but if he is only smoking a wee bit is it hugely different to having a glass of wine?

I don't think it's the weed that is bothering OP but his attitude.

I was raised by weed smoking parents by the way, it genuinely never impacted on us growing up, although all my brothers smoke it habitually now. I don't see it as a huge issue myself.

As long as anything is used in a recreation capacity I don't really see a problem, we all have our vices. Mitigation is the key. I do have to say though weed, for me was a very "non functional" thing to do, as in the "sloth" scenario. I just feel that the OP no longer respects her partner for whatever reason (I wouldn't either, he sounds like a twit)... time to go OP.

I can see both sides really. Your oh is probably feeling worn out, down and in a rut and using the weed as an escapism. Being a sahp is hard enough but if its not his choice and he wants to work then I think that can create tension. Saying that tho there's nothing worse than being around someone like this who is bringing you down.

Is he actively trying to look for projects etc? What are your childcare plans if he does get a job? Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

The most important question is do you actually want to leave or do you think you should?

When I read threads on here where a husband has control of the finances like the op says she is on here people often say that is classed as financial abuse... I'm not saying it is in this case but it's so odd when advice differs depending on gender!

Anyway op has the weed increased since your son was born? Did it bother you before?