How to approach a difference in parenting post divorce?

[GreeneAndPleasant]

I am recently divorced and have 2 dc, age 14 and 9, both very sensible, mature children who get on well. We live in a safe area and have nice neighbours we know well and who are around during the day.

I left the DC alone together in the house for an hour one morning so I could go on an errand (tmi but didn't think they'd want to accompany me for my smear test!). Ex-H found out in conversation and was cross. Doesn't mind older one being left but "won't let" me leave the younger one at home with her sister. I wouldn't leave the younger one on her own anyway. I wouldn't leave the older one to babysit in the evenings yet either.

I think he's being overprotective, both girls have phones, common sense and said they are happy to be left. In fact the youngest thinks it most unfair that she can't be left, so both ended up coming out today on the dullest of errands, which no one enjoyed much.

This is the first time post separation we've really disagreed, and i don't know what to do - parent together or separately. He has help from his parents when dc are with him so this probably hasn't been a practical issue for him.

I wouldn't leave mine of those ages if you wouldn't leave the younger one alone IYSWIM? I might have take the 9 year old and left the 14 year old in your situation but I don't think your choice was neglectful.

However if you are comfortable with it but he is not why can't he sit with them when you have things you need to do like a smear test?

I would have left them

You may have had this issue if you were still together. I would (and do) leave my dcs who are the same age as yours. As the parent in charge I judge what is safe for the dc and I expect him to do they same when they are my exh. And we have to trust each other else we'd go insane!

your dcs had phones, its daytime, they have probably not moved from the spot you left them and if they needed you they only needed to call and presumably you weren't that far away.

it sounds like you have a good parenting relationship with your exh. If I were you I'd have a chat with him tell him you recognise his concerned, lay out your basic principles as you did in the post and ask him to trust you not to put your dcs at risk but explain that as they grow up its good for the dcs to be trusted to have a little independence and you need that too!

and I wouldn't worry about the disagreement in Parenting styles if this is your only one in 2 years! Thats pretty good going in my book. Well done.

Boundary issue! (Expert in these, can you tell?) Just ignore. Parent how you are comfortable. (In law, there is no actual age for leaving children, it is just that you as adult in charge are responsible whether you are there or not).

If you've had a conversation with your DCs about who to contact if they need anyone, if neighbours are in standby etc. then it's fine. You know if your children are mature enough and should trust your judgement. As you point out, an hour in the morning is very different from an evening out.
It doesn't sound like it is anything other than a difference of opinion which you would have even if you were still together. Fine too for your Ex-H to voice his concern and for you to listen and consider as you are doing but also fine to disagree with him. As for him 'not letting you' leave your younger DD at home, well, he needs to understand he doesn't dictate your parenting decisions. If both DCs are safe and well cared for it is none of his business what you do in your time with them. I don't mean that to sound harsh and am not suggesting you take that line with him, however that is the reality and there will be occasions when you both will not like or agree with something the other chooses - one of the perils of post break up parenting! I also would have left them btw :)

14 is old enough to babysit a younger sibling for several hours. He's being far too overprotective.

Plus, what happens at yours is not of his business. Obviously, bar abuse!

The age gap between my sister and I is much smaller but we were left not much older than this when my dad had to have daily radiotherapy, can you image dragging a 12 and 14 yr old to the other side of the city and back everyday for most of the summer holiday!!??
I think its fine!!

Just politely say,

'oh no i don't agree with you at all'

and leave it at that.

Its not up to your exH to dictate how you parent your DC when they are with you. I would politely disagree and carry on doing what you think is right.

I wouldnt have given it a second thought at that age. Am also a single parent and used to leave my 7 and 9yr old in bed whilst I walked the dog. Nothing bad ever happened to them. At 7 I used to walk home from school and cross a main road!

My eldest regularly babysat his young siblings from that age (normally up to 2 hours), they were 12 and 7. I've even employed babysitters of that age when mine were younger.

You do need to implement boundaries. If your DC were happy and you could trust them then there was no problem. However you also need to put boundaries in place, he doesn't needto know this level of detail about you lives, and you don't need to get involved to this level in his.

Thanks all. I do need to grow a pair I think. It's tricky as ex-H has said he won't leave them and the dds know that he has asked it of me too, so the younger asking to stay at home also feels like a sort of test. I guess the message to them though is that their Dad is still in charge, hard habit to break away from I guess

Would pointing out that you and your ex parent differently help? And that you don't agree on everything so sometimes you will let them do things that their dad doesn't. And sometimes their dad will let them do things that you don't.

He's not the one in charge. Neither are you. You both have your own ways of doing things. So don't let him intimidate you into doing things his way - there's a reason you divorced I'm guessing. And just brush it off with a 'your house, your rules. My house, my rules' if he tries to bully you into doing what you don't want to do!

I have a similar situation and due to all the things you have mentioned, I too leave my two of this age for up to an hour at at a time.

RE the XH, on the one hand I think it is fair enough for him to say he doesnt' like it but on the other, you think it is fine so that is all that matters. As you say, he is not in charge now, you are. One of the joys of separating. You can do as you think right.

My XH does loads I don't like but that is up to him and I have to just let him get on with it.

I would say, your home your rules.

If your XH doesn't want/need to leave them at home then that's his choice.

Mine are similar ages and I will leave them for an hour or so, with strict instructions not to cook or answer the door etc. To be honest, mine are more likely to get into trouble if they're together, so I tell them to stay in their own rooms to avoid arguments!

At 14 some kids are being paid to babysit other people's DCs. Admittedly the other DCs will often be asleep and it's just a case of watching TV and being there in case of an emergency, but I'd think a child of that age is more than capable and your ex is being over-protective (or just using it as an opportunity to exert his non-existent 'authority').

I would have left them, too.

My 15 year old son has been babysitting his 7 year old sister for about a year with no problems ever.

As far as not letting you leave them goes, he doesn't own them or control you. If he wouldn't leave them, that's up to him, if you feel it's appropriate then there's no problem.