I'm crap in bed

[Swishswash]

Name changed for this as I'm rather embarrassed!

Basically, I've come to the conclusion that I'm pretty crap in bed. Half of this is inexperience and the other had is confidence.

Me and DH split up last year and I have just started dating (in a very loose sense of the word... We're still at coffee/ play date stage) a lovey man. The attraction is strong and whilst there are certain barriers (i.e what I'm supposed to do with the children whilst we properly date!) in our way, at some stage, whether with him or someone else, I'm going to have to face this problem.

The inexperience comes from the fact that I had a type of arranged marriage with DH. I wasn't a virgin but he was. There was never a sexual attraction there though he was (and still is) a lovely man, but sex was really quite terrible throughout and I found myself avoiding it as much as possible.

The confidence issue comes from the fact that, not in a self deprecating but in a very matter of fact way, I am rather unattractive naked. This issue is made worse by the fact that clothed I'm not that unattractive at all, I can look really nice I think, I look after myself, am slim ish, dress well, have nice hair and skin etc so i feel like I'm representing a lie! But my past and genes are against me... Years ago (early twenties pre DH) I was very very heavy due to steroids for illness. My weight dropped back to normal when I came off them but I have that typical baggy loose skin everywhere (DC have not even made it worse it was so bad to begin with!) and stretch marks all over, legs, hips, stomach, upper arms etc. moles and scars everywhere, basically I can look really nice walking down the street but I'm very different unclothed.

So, I'm reading all these threads about how confidence is the most attractive thing about a person and in social situations I'm confident but in a sexual situation I'm going to be a shy, cowering mess trying to cover myself up and tbh not really know what to do with myself. I'm so embarrassed!

I know that the kind of man that cares about these physical things shouldn't matter anyway but I care about them and I suspect that may have a knock on effect on any relationship I have in the future. I'd love to have that kind of 'ripping your clothes off passion' with someone but am so sad I feel I can never have that due to worrying about what I look like/ what position I should be getting myself into etc! Is there any way to change my mindset on this do you think?

Somewhere on Mumsnet there's an old thread about people's saggy bodies etc which revolutionised my opinion of my own body and boosted my confidence no end. Loads of women have imperfect bodies, and a great many of them get laid. I hope someone comes along who can find the thread for you.

The lack of experience isn't the issue you think it is. Whenever a couple get together for the first time, they're learning about each other from the beginning.

Try thinking about what you want for yourself and what you want to do for him. Read up a bit.

Make it a principle that you don't have him until you are both wild to be together. That should push all your doubts and insecurities out of the way.

Woah, hang on, why do you think you look unattractive naked? Is that just something you've decided yourself? Or did your previous partner tell you that? Either way, it's rubbish, so ditch that negativity.

Let me tell you something about men: when it gets to the point where you're both naked, they are not looking at your cellulite honey! A decent man would realise what an absolute privilege it is to be allowed anywhere near your gorgeous person, and worship it accordingly. Of they don't, then they are probably an entitled arse who watches too much porn.

Your problem is that you've never slept with someone who you really fancy. Someone who genuinely gets your motor revving. When you have good sexual chemistry with someone, it all clicks together quite easily.

By some people's standards I am crap in bed. I'm very lazy and prefer to let DP do everything while I just lie there
Luckily, this is what DP prefers too. We are very compatible in bed and that makes it really good. And I barely have to do anything!

Also, no one is scoring you on your performance. When you get intimate with someone you're both vulnerable and your partner will probably have their own hang ups. It's not like the whole world knows the Kama sutra backwards except you. Everybody worries about this stuff.

Hmm. In respect to the body issues, how about going swimming or the gym? I only say this because if you take a trip to any leisure centre changing room you'll see all shapes and sizes and you'll realise you're not that bad. What you seem to think are hideous stretchmarks and moles are probably indicative of most of the population, male and female! Totally see where you're coming from with the 'false advertising' thing though- I feel somewhat the same with my teensy boobs. Nothing quite like getting ready and pondering if one should risk wearing a super-dooper bra and your date getting a handful of padding.

I think you need to be kinder to yourself OP. We've all got wobbly bits

Certainly no man you're going to sleep with in the future will be physically perfect either.

Well you know how you get good at something SwishSwash :) practice makes perfect and all that!
Fwiw I think most people have at least one body part if not more that they detest. For me is my godawful post baby belly that had never shifted despite me back in my original size. I still look pregnant and cringe if I look in the mirror whilst 'in the throes of passion' ;-) awful ugly stretch marks on my tummy. I keep saying I want a tummy tuck, even if the belly went down I have a heap of loose skin that will not go anywhere. Paint a lovely picture don't i?! :-) but luckily dh thinks I'm gorgeous and that means a lot. I guess the point I'm trying to make is, you sound like a lovely person and I'm sure a lot lovelier physically than you think! Focus on the things you do like about your body, and give yourself credit for those things. no one in this world is perfect!

Your sex life with your ex H was more than likely bad because he was/is a crap shag. As the SlagOfSnacks (cracking name btw) said, "Let me tell you something about men: when it gets to the point where you're both naked, they are not looking at your cellulite honey! A decent man would realise what an absolute privilege it is to be allowed anywhere near your gorgeous person, and worship it accordingly."

She's spot on. I should know, I'm a bloke with a shit body. I'm skinny, which is not attractive on a middle aged man :o Honestly, please don't worry about your body, any man who makes negative comments isn't worthy of you. Good luck with the new man.

I could have written your post!

After splitting with 18 months ago (after 20 years) I thought no-one would find me and my jelly belly, thunder thighs, bingo wings and flappy boobs attractive.

I've put on a stone and a half in that time too so not really 'feeling it'.

But I took the plunge and started dating, thinking what the hell, and boy did I get lucky.

BF is slim but fit and I was petrified of him seeing me naked. I'd mentioned my baggy belly and one night after a few drinks he said 'c'mon, lets get this out of the way' and I showed him my belly. He kissed it all over

He tells me I'm gorgeous and he loves me for me, stretch marks and all.

Please don't think that there isn't someone out there who will love you unconditionally, because there is.

And if they don't like what they see, their loss because you're a complete package and any guy who doesn't realise that is on to a long life of singledom!

Bite the bullet, get out there and have some fun.

I've come to the conclusion that men, well good decent men, don't look at the body of the woman they love, with the same eyes of the owner of said body. Love or lust does something to their eyesight and you just look so beautiful to them and they just feel really lucky. That's my opinion anyway!

Gosh, you really mustn't put yourself down like this!

I think the advice to pop to a swimming pool etc is a good one and you will see bodies and people behaving quite naturally.

I also think that if the passion is there, your partner is NOT thinking about anything except how excited you and he are, and I'm sure you wouldn't be thinking " ooh, your shoulders are a bit skinny, didn't realise that!" No- you will be thinking very different things:)

Honestly lavenderhoney is right, men do not look at women clothed or naked like women do, they are massively less critical and just honoured a woman looks at them twice.

If it makes any difference. .my partner .when I met him had a huge beer belly. Its going now but I still fancied the pants off him.
Fanny gallops the works!

Be gentle on yourself. You say you did not really find your husband attractive so you still have all that to experience yet. Take your time to get to know a guy, take it slowly. Start off with kissing and gentle intimacy and if he is the right man and your feelings are strong then all the other stuff will fall into place. You may say your body is not perfect, but he will want you for the person that you are too not just your body and men generally love a woman who is comfortable with who she is. One step at a time ok.

I hate my body post birth. My tummy sags and stretch marks are awful. The first person I was intimate with after my ex didn't care. I think once you find someone you like and feel comfortable with you will forget these insecurities.

With regards to feeling crap in bed. I had only had a sexual relationship with my ex. An ex who had very little experience before we met and who had zilch sex drive.

I had a bit of a fling with a chap who was very experienced and so I felt like a novice. I started doing a bit of online research and would tell him what I wanted to try and ask him what he likes in bed etc. He quite liked me being a novice and I liked learning. Now I know that when I do get in to a relationship I will be more confident.

Thank you, there are some fab replies here and a lot to think about

I guess I do know that deep down any man (at least one worth his salt) won't be looking at me and judging my body in the same way that I do myself in the mirror... I just wish I could stop doing that also!

I do go swimming occasionally, (used to go all the time but much more difficult with 2 D who can't swim!) and agree there are so many body shapes and types. I just can't get over the 'false advertising' aspect of it as a PP put it. I'm worried that as I look so 'normal' clothed that it would be a shock that I'm so marked and flabby underneath

But you are all right, I just need to get over myself a bit... Just wish I knew how!

Agree with all posts. Men really don't care and I can guarantee what you think you look like is an over exaggerated version of what you really look like. We all think we look worse than we really do. But if a man fancies you enough to take your clothes off there's pretty much nothing under there that will put them off. I think you need a fling to get your ex out of your system. Someone you perhaps aren't too fussed about but can show you a thing or two!

I was with an ex who didn't sleep with me for about 13 months. Made me feel like shit and I had no sexual confidence at all. Then had a fling with someone new and was majorly overly confident after that!

Now loved up and happy with partner with excellent chemistry where even though I'm larger than I was and have baby belly it doesn't affect our sex life.

Good luck OP.

If been huge in my time and lost a lot of weight (6.5 stone) a few times too. My body reflects this.

I'm not pretty or even average.

I lack confidence in who I am because I judge me in my physical appearance. I'm shallow like that!

Luckily my DH isn't that shallow. I'm under no illusions that he really couldn't care less because he loves me for who I am.

As far as sex goes, we both decided that sex was about pleasing the other person so we took the time to be very sensitive to the reactions of each other and learnt how to please each other. We've also had fun 'refresher courses!' That's fun nights where one or the other of us takes the initiative and says that the night is about the other person and it's up to them to instruct in what they like best. This keeps us in touch with preferences and technique which when combined with the obvious love for each other make sex very satisfying and fun indeed

Ok I've recently name changed so I'll share this. I am a size 20 and short so I'm very overweight. Been married a long time and sex has been missing from huge chunks of that time due to me hating myself and assuming that there is no way DH would ever want to go near me. Only recently have I thought fuck it, I want some sex here so I gritted my teeth (literally!) and set to it. We have had the most amazing time and it's showing no sign of stopping. Whatever he might think of me when I'm in my onesie doing the ironing (and he doesn't because he's a lovely bloke) it certainly doesn't translate to the bedroom because he treats me like I'm the most gorgeous thing on earth. I could kick myself all the time I wasted.

What about starting off with some nice underwear that you can keep on? Maybe a sheer camisole type thing and some nice knickers and you could keep the top on? I know I feel a bit better if I leave my bra on with a new guy, it just helps me to get in the moment because I'm not thinking about what my boobs look like.

I just wanted to come back and update this... We slept together for the first time last weekend and it was AMAZING

I can't say I was all spotlight on me and swinging from the chandelier with confidence but it was nowhere near as bad (in an embarrassing way) as I thought it would be, and miles miles better from a pleasure POV.

I'm getting there... So thanks :)

Awww, lovely update.

Woohoo! Glad you're feeling good!

Wooohooo

That's great!!

Yay! Well done, enjoy yourself :o