Can you re-learn love?

[tiredoftrains]

I've been with DH for 11 years now, 1st relationship for us both. He is a brilliant father to DS, and very loving to me, but I just have no feelings left.

He's done nothing wrong, and there's no-one else I'm interested in, but I don't feel attracted to him anymore, and the only real emotion I can seem muster for him is irritation!

I can't see myself without him or with anyone else, but I struggle to treat him as nicely as I know I should, sex feels like another chore, and I don't know what (if anything) I can do to make things better - any ideas please wise mumsnetters?

It's unfair to stay in a relationship with someone that you find perpetually irritating. Do you talk to each other and spend time together? Have you ever explained to him how you feel? Does he know sex is a chore for you?

Thanks for the reply.

He knows I'm not keen on sex, but probably doesn't realise how not keen iykwim.

We spend a lot of time together and have been trying to do a few 'date nights' recently which have been nice, but I struggle to talk to him about anything that matters to me as he has a huge talent for seeming completely uninterested and talking over me,so I've rather given up.

Then you need an exit plan and not a coping strategy. Why waste your life? This is personal curiosity on my part and you really don't have to answer but how old were you when you got together and how old are you now?

Good question- we got together at 17 for me, 19 for him. I now realise that was too young - wish I'd had chance to discover more about myself and see other options.

I don't want to leave - he is a good person and tries hard, as do I, but I want to find a way back to a proper loving relationship, not just drifting on. I don't feel either of us are wasting our lives, we have a lot in common and have the same outlook on most things.

I don't think love is some mystical force that you either feel or don't feel. The feelings I think come from many things. Partly from how well that person full fills your needs, partly from admiration and respect for who they are, partly from loyalty and shared life experiences. I think continuing to be "in love" is about keeping all these things on track - and yes - if they have fallen by the wayside I DO think you can get it back if you actually wan to do that.

I'm not for a minute suggesting you should stay in an unhappy relationship, but if the relationship has value for you then I do believe there are things you can do to fall in love again.

I was in your position a few months ago. Got together young, now more confident and wish I had more experience in different things.
I think if you still love your dh like I do mine, you need to find ways to connect now - relationships change - people change and its up to both of you to try and engage with each other with new things. Suggest things like wine tasting or get into a gym together so it engages you both and you have something in common again. It will take a while and alot of focus if a relationship is worth continuing its worth the effort.

What attracted you to him in the first place? Has this been how you've felt for a while or has it come about as a result of children / the grind of a daily routine / just not feeling good about yourself (which in my case, means I don't feel good about sex / making an effort etc?). My reason for asking is that my H and I struggled when we had v young children, both emotionally and physically drained, everything seemed like a slog, we rarely went out and quite frankly I was happier with a couple of hours in front of the TV and an early night rather than make any effort to even have a conservation with H or be interested in what he had to say. That of course had an impact on our relationship. He was a fab Dad, but we lost our way as a couple a little bit. We tried the old date night thing, it may work for some people, but it didn't for us (maybe because neither of us made any effort which kind of defeated the purpose). What worked for us was trying to put one another back in situations where I found him attractive, kind of to remind myself why I fell in love with him. For me, that was socialising with other people because he loves that, he's funny etc. Meant making an effort to get dressed up, leave the house etc, socialise with other people so it took the pressure off trying to have a good time just as a couple. I also took more time out for me, I started running again, which relieved some of the stress for me and made me a nicer person. In that time too, the children got older so we weren't having to get up in the night and coping on minimal sleep. All of those things made it better. If none of that strikes a chord and you don't think you can get back what you had, then I agree that you need to sit down and have a conversation with him about where you go from here. Good luck.