Am I being boring?

[ZacharyZoo]

Really would like an unbiased view of this, as i am being made to feel like the dullest person in the world by DH, and worry that maybe i am! We have a 4 month old baby boy, since his birth DH has had a weekend away with "the boys" leaving me with 5 kids for the weekend, he works 9 to 7 everyday, and seems to need a beer after work at least twice a week, but just briefly texts me when he is in the pub, would be better if he told me earlier in the day, so i could make arrangements!

Two weeks ago was his friends' daughters christening, we went back to the house for the celebration, but at about 9.30 i felt it was time to leave, baby wouldn't settle, DH out in the garden, leaving me indoors with the baby (it was too cold to sit outside with the baby by then), he didn't want to leave so i went taking all the kids home, he promised me he would be back for 11.00pm, actually turned up at 2.30am, spent the whole night and the next day being sick, even took the next day off work aswell!

The next Sat was his friends birthday (over from USA so i understand that he was keen to see him), got to 11.00pm, and i felt that it was time to get the baby home, again was made to feel like a real bore, but he is the one being the life and soul of the party and i am sat there like the au pair looking after little un! Now this weekend, there is a company BBQ (his company do this every year), it is on Sunday afternoon but he is already saying that there is a live music event in town on Sunday evening, and would we like to go (with the baby!). I just know that he will be drinking all afternoon, i will be the taxi, and then he wants me to stand out in the cold with loud live music with a 4 month old baby, i'm sorry but i think he's being totally unfair to the poor baby.

I have told him it would be better for him to go without me and he is really annoyed with me! Please tell me am i being boring and mumsy? I go back to work in less than two weeks, which i am dreading as i have loved my time with DS, so i am a bit emotional, am I over reacting?

Your DH needs to grow up and realise he is a parent.

He sounds like a selfish arse.
Have you five children???

No you are definitely not being boring! Taking babies to midnight rock concerts is definitely OTT if you ask me.

Are you over reacting? I don't think you're reacting enough. Your dh sounds like a very selfish man, and is acting like some men do when they have their first child and haven't got their head around it. But you have 5?!?! (I think that's what you meant). You need to sit him down and tell him that enough is enough.

you're not being boring or over reacting. rock concerts and little babies hardly mix!

No, you aren't being boring. Go, but insist that he holds the baby - all evening, whilst you drink and dance etc.

Then, next weekend - before he makes plans - arrange a night out with the girls/weekend away - on your own and leave him with the children and show him how much fun you usually have at his expense.

Make sure when you do come back, you have a migraine or hangover, and stay in bed all day too.........

Think you should go away with the 'girls' for a weekend, see how he manages.

He sounds like he's desperatly trying to hold onto his pre-parent days, but at what cost?
It's important to still have fun and to be true to the other you, the one who isn't a parent, the old you, but not to this extent. It's all about comprimise. I don't think what he's doing is uncommon. It happened to me too. D and I had a HUGGGE social life that has been massivley slashed. I'm far more comfortable with this than he is but I kinda expect that. But D has got a lot, lot better.

Next time he goes out for a massive night arrange to go out early the next day, without the kids.
He'll soon realise that lots of late night boozing and kids don't mix well.

Just talk to him, explain you don't want to be a bore, you want you both to have fun but that you can't do everything now, you have to pick and choose your social events and comprimise.

You're NOT being a bore, not at ALL.

His behaviour is outrageous - Nothing else to add

Thank so much! I don't feel quite so bad now! Err yes 5 kids between us, we both had 2 children when we met, i think really though this is like a first baby again, as we have had 5 years of child free weekends and have travelled a lot in that time, when our children were with their other parents. But my view is that this baby stage is for such a short period of time, that this can go on hold till the baby is old enough to be looked after, and we can go out again. He also still has a lot of single or child free friends, where as mine all have kids and accept that you have to fit around them. I know i have to sit down and talk to him, but he's so good at making me feel like i'm unreasonable.

His business partner's wife had a baby three weeks after ours, and he is out drinking and a lot worse all the time, and she has been happy to leave the baby to go out with him and get trashed every weekend, i just kept being told that i am lucky i am not married to him! This baby is my last and i am enjoying him, don't feel the need to go out partying!

makes sense - that he's ahd 5 years off and now is back to a newborn.

He needs to calm down a bit. Home alone for a morning with a hangover should help be a gentle reminder!

Absolutley - enjoy this wonderful stage of your DS's life. I loved lying on my bed just staring at my DD2, great isn't it.

why do men think they want to live their life one way then change their mind when its too late???i'd defo sod off out with the girls one night b4 he has a chance to get in there first,tell him u'll be back at 11 then get home at about 4.why do men always compare themselves to nasty mates they have?'if u think im that bad ,just be thankful ur not married to x,he goes to amsterdam every wk'.so what???!!

You are totally right to be annoyed, you are looking what appears to be 5 little kids and 1 big one with the added pressure of returning to work.

He may have different thoughts about what constitutes an acceptable routine for a baby and thats something that the two of you need to discuss. I was surprised at a social event recently to see two young babies up and about until midnight, it wouldn't be my choice of how to do things but if it works for them then fine.

Whats happening at the minute isn't working for you because he is being massively unfair and it seems trying to place the blame on you by calling you boring.

I guess he must have lots of good points otherwise you wouldn't have got together and had a baby so perhaps if you had a discussion about it and approach it from the parenting aspect ( although he is being an a**) then perhaps he may see sense.

Incidentially men & woman are different over this when I asked DP what he missed most since being a parent for him it was going out. Me - I had 9 months of watching other people getting drunk and staying sober so not interested in going out much anymore.

You are so right about the different approach to parenting! His previous experience was very strange (to me anyway!) They were very young, and her mother basically took over, even now his ex can't do anything with their kids unless her mother comes with her. His kids have no routine, boundaries or expectation of behaviour, which we find really difficult when they come to us (which is 3-4 nights a week), anything we try to do to establish this is just buggered up every time they go back (normally to her mums as she hardly ever looks after them!). What i need to get through to him is that the security and behaviour thing starts very early, involving BOTH parents! I don't think he's used to being expected to being a fully involved parent. Even though my ex and i couldn't stay together as a couple, he is hugely involved with our girls (50-50 residency) but was from day one, and it really shows now they are older. Having said all this the relationship is a million times better than my previous experience, we are normally so close and he is brilliant with my children, in fact i think he finds them easier than his own (but thats because someone else has done a lot of the hard work before!). I have taken your advice and arranged a few things to do this weekend, which i will tell him about tonight when he gets home from work. I have already told him i am giving Sunday a miss, but may suggest he goes and takes the baby and his kids (mine are away with their dad at the moment). Think i will go for a run and clear my head!

DH should know by now that he's not single and you two aren't childless. He needs to stop acting that way.

Blimey! 5 kids to look after, two of them are his and not actually yours, one is a newborn, and he thinks he can party the night away while you do everything! That is outragoues enough - and then to call you boring on top of it just makes me larf!

The trouble is - and I do this with my DP all the time - you just instinctively grab the baby, don't you, and sit with him/her and keep an eye out and all that - and when it's DP/DH's turn, you end up asking them, as if it's a favour, because in general they instinctively please themsleves (even good dads). My DP is a great dad, but I often notice he'll make a phone call, go off and play a computer game, etc etc without saying anything to me - whereas if i want to do something I say to him "can you play with DS, I have to do X". It should be equal shares, but so often the default = woman does childcare.

I think you need to sit DH down at a non-confrontational time and talk about how much work a newborn involves (not to mention the rest of them!) and how the workload at the moment is unfair, and he needs to work with you, do his share and realise putting a 4-month-old first is not boring, it is responsible parenting.

Thanks for your replies, i really feel so much better, decided going to talk to him this weekend, i'm sure that he will bring up the plans for Sunday and i can use this as a reason to discuss it!