NC with father, now half-sister wants to get in touch

[onetwothreewhat]

NCed, am regular. Pom yoni glue etc

My father - we'll call him SD as we don't use that word for him - is an spectacularly abusive lunatic despicable rotten asshole. He and DM are divorced and I haven't spoken to him for 12 years. I am now in my thirties. I am married and have moved to a different city. I don't know if he knows.

I don't want to get into everything he did, but it was bad enough that his sister and husband (my auntie and uncle), their son (my cousin) and his kids don't see him either, although I think they do send Christmas cards. We are all very close as a family, and were close to his mother too until she died many years ago. I didn't go to her funeral because I knew he would be there and they all totally supported that. I don't think they've seen him since then. He's just an awful poisonous cancer of a man and I have never regretted going NC for a moment.

He remarried and had another child when I was a teen. My half-brother, who I adored, and he adored me. He was still a kid when I went NC, and although I missed him (and SD's wife, who was always really nice to me) it was the right thing to do. Occasionally he has phoned up DM asking for my number. DM won't give it out but she has given him my email address several times. I have never had an email, however.

The last time he tried to contact me was just before I got married. I cannot stress enough how manipulative SD is. I didn't believe for a minute that I could have any contact with my half-brother without him getting his claws in me somehow. My DCousin also blocked my half-brother from contact at this point as we both felt SD was using him to get to me. I was really concerned that SD would show up at the wedding, and my uncle paid for security to make sure it didn't happen.

I can't stress enough how strongly I feel about not seeing him, or how dangerous he is. I wish he would die. I am terrified my auntie or uncle will die before he does and I'll have to decide about missing yet another family funeral.

Fast forward a few years, and my half-brother has contacted my cousin. He didn't ask specifically about me, just wanted to know how 'the family' is.

Hee would now be 20. When discussing it with family I had always said that I hoped we could have a relationship once he turned 18 and could operate independently from SD. The thing is, I don't know whether he still lives at home or what. I don't know if SD has treated him differently to how he treated everyone else. I don't know what to do. I feel bad, you know, it's not his fault. I at least got free of SD; my half-brother had to live with him. But on the other hand I am still scared sick of SD getting any of my details, any way of snaking back into my life. I don't want to punish my half-brother or deprive him of a relationship with someone who could understand, but equally it has taken years and years of therapy to get over what SD did to me, and I just can't risk letting all that be destroyed. My mouth actually fills up with bile when I think about seeing SD. I feel I could vomit while writing this post.

I don't know what to do I've spent 12 years not letting this upset me and now don't know how to deal with it at all.

I don't know why I wrote half-sister in the title! Half-brother, sorry.

I think, given how easy it is to get hold of people's addresses and other contact details these days, that a 20yo man who really wanted to be in touch with you would be in touch. So I would work on the assumption that he knows where you are, is choosing not to be in contact and has also chosen not to pass on any information to his father. That probably doesn't help your anxiety about getting a knock on the door at some point in the future but that would be the version of events I suggest you run with.

The picture you paint of your SD sounds so comprehensively awful I wonder was he never the subject of a police investigation? Have Social Services never intervened? Have you ever sought counselling?

Yes, I had therapy for years. No SS or police. Too late now and I couldn't bear to have it all dragged up anyway. I really am fine 95% of the time - more than fine, I have a great life - but I do wish it could be properly over, which it never will until he dies.

To be honest, I have kept myself so quiet on the internet - different usernames everywhere, facebook in a fake name with a fake picture, only have friended tiny list of people who know never to tag me or post pictures - he would find it hard to get my address. But I do wonder that never sent me an email after he was given that option, and that's what made me think he didn't want to contact me really, it was SD wanting my phone number. Emails are easy to ignore/block. When he was younger I would think oh, well, maybe he's not allowed to use the computer without supervision, but now he's 20 that can't be the case.

I think you have to look out for No1 here, one.

It's a shame you and your half brother won't have a relationship, but that's not your fault.

You shouldn't feel guilty. You've had to be really strong no doubt to get here so don't forget that.

X

It's possible that your DB doesn't know what to do, and is gently putting out feelers while leaving the ball in your court. If he is in contact with your aunt and uncle then maybe a message back that it would be nice to hear from him would be the way to go (if that is what you want).

I would be careful of assuming that him being 20 means he is doing anything off his own back, though. I have been NC with my father for some years, but he still manages to manipulate my 35 year old brother into doing his dirty work.

I hope you manage to forge a relationship with your brother.