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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

High sex drive no sex

12 replies

layla888 · 25/04/2014 10:10

Hi ive name changed and need some help/advice. I am feeling so crap because I have a ridiculous high sex drive and my husband doesn't! He's never interested and it's driving me crazy! I could have sex evey day and would if I could but hes just not interested! ! He moans that hes exhausted from work and says that when I go back to work (stay at home mum now) I wont want sex either because I will be too tired etc but I have always had a very high sex drive and no that I will still want sex. I just get so upset because on tv and in movies its always the guys who chase women and I feel like I want to be chased and I just want to feel wanted!! Im always telling him how much I fancy him and I do its like I get that feeling about him that you get when you first date someone. Is he playing games with me? Treat em mean keep em keen?

Advice please xxx

OP posts:
eurochick · 25/04/2014 10:12

Get a vibrator.

Littlefish · 25/04/2014 10:13

He's not playing games with you. There are lots of threads on Mumsnet about couples with mismatched sex drives. Given the choice, how often do you think your dh would have sex?

TheConstantGardener · 25/04/2014 10:17

Never nice to feel rejected. Does he have any worries atm? Has it always been a mismatch?

layla888 · 25/04/2014 10:18

Littlefish thats a good question and I think if I dont instigate it probably never

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 25/04/2014 10:21

I wish I had your sex drive! Mines like your dh

Sorry not helpful at all. Other than to just leap on him!

Offred · 25/04/2014 10:21

"is he playing games with me?"

Errr... No, he's a person not a sex toy. Confused

You have some sexist and damaging views about sexuality which seem to be based on that crap gender stereotype 'real men are always up for it'.

You need to respect his autonomy over his own body, he should be having to justify why he doesn't want to have sex all the time like this and you certainly should not be accusing him of playing games, poor man, you are absolutely out of order there.

You've recognised you have a high sex drive, if you don't think you are really incompatible sex wise and have been fine in the past you need to back of and give him some respect and find other ways to satisfy your high drive. If you think you are incompatible you need to split up and look for someone who is. It is never ever acceptable to behave like this.

Offred · 25/04/2014 10:22

*he shouldn't have to justify

layla888 · 25/04/2014 10:23

thinking about it I am always and have been the one who instigates it! He says he worries about everything like losing his job money etc and yes obviously I totaly get that and share those worries but you have to learn to relax and switch off? I thought these feelings of wanting somone so bad would die down after being married for a while but no I just feel so rejected

OP posts:
layla888 · 25/04/2014 10:27

Offred thanks that does make sense but thats just the way I see it or can explain it. I didnt mean to sound sexist or whatever. To be honest just a cuddle from him would be nice but I dont even get that ha

OP posts:
TheConstantGardener · 25/04/2014 10:35

If he is depressed it can totally turn off his sex drive. Also does he have any body issues? Can you talk to him about it? I dont think you situation is that unusual but obvs. not ideal so maybe it's something you could talk about?

Offred · 25/04/2014 10:36

To be clear what's sexist is thinking that because he is a man he will be always up for sex. This is simply not true.

It sounds like you have made a mistake in marrying him tbh if it has never been ok but you thought it would improve either by your sex drive reducing or his increasing.

I made a similar mistake, I left in sept. Not just over this, there were other things but when you get to the point where your choices are leaving, putting your partner under pressure to have sex he doesn't want or slowly dying inside feeling rejected you can see leaving is the better option.

hookedonchoc · 25/04/2014 13:05

Sorry you're finding it tough, it is very unpleasant feeling rejected like this. I presume your sex drives have not always been quite so mismatched, could this just be a short-term lapse due to the pressures of parenthood and work?

It is my understanding that being put under pressure to perform when you don't feel like it makes most people feel even less like it. It is sad that he isn't in the mood much, but I'm sure equally you wouldn't want him to force himself to go through the motions. In fact, pressing the issue could potentially make a long-term problem out of what might just be a blip.

Are you planning to go back to work? Just asking as you commented he is worried about losing his job and hinted you should return to work. If he is really stressed about where the money is going to be coming from, or resentful of you for staying at home, it could well be affecting his sex drive. Just speculating here, so apologies if I have misinterpreted the situation. Perhaps you could discuss with him ways to help take the pressure off or how he feels about being the sole wage-earner.

In your later post it sounds as if a lot of physical affection is missing from your marriage, not just sex. Would you consider making an effort to give him a friendly massage (no strings), kiss hello, cuddle up on the sofa, etc. If he is not up for any intimacy, even with no pressure, it suggest there is something more going on than just mismatched libidos.

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