Dilemma

[Missfishandchips]

I think I already know the answer to all of this, but I need outside opinions...

I'm friends with two women - say A and B. I've known A for 20 plus years, and met B through her a few years ago. A and B have been friends for years too.

B has always been a bit, I'm not quite sure what the word is, but I think standoffish with me. When we're all together, things appear to be ok, and we generally have a good time. B is always saying that we need to 'work harder' and 'fix' our relationship, thus I have pretty much jumped through hoops for her. She never picks up the phone if I call her, and only ever responds to any texts 50% of the time (but, aside from A, I know I'm not the only person she does this to). She will happily accept lifts from me, drinks on nights out etc, but will never return the favor.

There was a misunderstanding on the Sunday Bank Holiday night out, and B launched a horrible, nasty attack on me via a group facebook message the day after. It totally humiliated me, and was in front of our friends.

Understandably, I'm really pissed off, and hurt about this, and really don't want to be anywhere near her.
Several people have told her to apologise and a short, clunky apology text came through last night - to which I haven't replied to yet.

The dilemma is (but I think in my heart of hearts I know the answer to) we've all booked a weekend away to Butlins for my bday in June (we went for B's bday) and B's sis in law is coming, and A and the balance is due to be paid today...
I am now thinking that 1. B has only apologised because she's been told to, and 2. She knows that the balance is due to be paid today, so she needs to keep me sweet.

I'm really, really hurt by the whole thing. I don't want to let the others down by not paying for the break, but I don't think I can stand to be near her for 3 whole days.

What does everyone think?

Pay for everyone else and invite someone else in her place.

Are you good friends with her SIL?

If its for your birthday then you can uninvite her & your reasons will be clear. Is there someone else who can go in her place?

I don't think there is anyone who really would want to go in her place.

I had originally picked a totally different weekend thing to do, but she wanted to do the Butlins thing.

I've only really met her Sis in Law a handful of times.

I seriously do not want to go, but I don't think they'd find anyone to go at such short notice.

A has said she's not going if I'm not, but I don't want to ruin it for her.

Honestly if you didn't really want to do it anyway, then cancel it & refuse to feel bad. Rebook your original idea with A.

Then if anyone gets upset about not going, they can blame B!

Ah.
I'd cancel it and do what you wanted to do in the first place, then.

Why on earth was her SIL going?

Don't feel guilty on their account.

A sounds a good friend, unless she's saying she won't go to pressure you to go with B.

B is always saying that we need to 'work harder' and 'fix' our relationship, thus I have pretty much jumped through hoops for her

sorry I can't get past this part - why are you jumping through hoops for this person? friendship shouldn't be that hard!

I was due to go to a similar event and felt the same way as you - one particular friendship was going down the toilet (she didn't notice as she thinks she's so wonderful) but I still went to the event as I didn't feel as if I could pull out at short notice. I didn't really enjoy it but what I did do, was try and stay out of her way. Whilst I was off having a facial she started a massive drunken argument with some of the other ladies.

I don't think this group will ever meet up together again because of this one woman. About 4 months later she did something despicable and I walked away from the friendship, I haven't spoken to her since and I don't miss her that's how I know it's the right decision.

I think you need to do what you want to do and not go and FGS stop jumping through hoops!

Don't jump through hoops for this person. However, if you cancel the event you may have to refund the entire group's deposit? If it were me, I would refund B's deposit and still attend the event with my friends.

A is a fantastic friend, and I feel really awful that she is in the middle.

Her SIL was coming to make up the extra place I think.

I know I have sort of 8 weeks to calm down before we go, but I know the 'apology' isn't heartfelt at all.

To me this is really straight forward.

It's your birthday: why would you spend several days with someone you dislike when the feeling is mutual? Just tell her that her recent behaviour means you don't want her there. Stop trying to please everyone else and invite people that you consider to be friends. I don't see why you think it is a 'dilemma': of course you shouldn't let a complete cow come along to a residential birthday trip just because you've know her a while and she is friends with a friend that you actually do get on with.

I don't understand why you keep pandering to this woman when she is nothing but horrible back. You may have known her for a long time, but she makes your feel upset. She isn't your friend. Be civil to her if she is present during group nights out, but your birthday is your event and you are entitle to pick friends who you like to come.

Also, you say you don't want 'to ruin it for A': this is your birthday, not hers. Butlins has been booked and you didn't even want to go there, guests are invited who you don't even like...

It's time to start standing up for yourself!

Cancel, get back whatever money you can and go for a weekend away with A.

Lie is too short to spend time with people that you stress you out.

Life is too short...not lie.

Harumph.

Cancel. If you go ahead with this you'll have a rubbish birthday and just confirm to B that she can treat you like dirt and get away with it. Stand up for yourself!

B is a "taker" - so she is happy to take and receive but not give. I am not sure this os the kind of friend you want to be with on the long term, unless you are happy giving all the time.

Life is too short, and it is your birthday SO you get to do what makes you happy. If you are not into that place B had originally picked, cancel and do something that you want and makes you happy.

Yes, I don't really see a 'dilemma' here either. It seems straight forward enough, it's your birthday, you didn't especially want to do Butlins in the first place (and I'm sorry but Butlins IMO is total crap y wld anyone want to waste a bday there??).

Do something else, without her. Stand up for yourself! She sounds too much like hard work.

Say something like "sorry folks, but I'm having a re-think, the Butlins thing might be postponed for a bit while I work out what I really want do do for my Birthday..."

Why pay to do something you won't enjoy with someone you won't like on your birthday? Cancel, don't go, do what you want to do. Friends worth having will understand.

Sounds like you need to stop jumping through hoops for everyone else but yourself. Cancel the whole bloody thing. And stop texting and being nice to this bloody woman.

Well...

Yesterday I explained politely to her that I really didn't want to be around her at the moment, and that I felt I couldn't really go away in June. I did offer to postpone the trip until September so no one would feel out of pocket etc. She (yet again!!) ignored my text, but answered a group message (about the trip) saying she doesn't see what the problem is and she wants to go in June...Thus trying to belittle me and make me look like an utter twat.

I've ignored the rude bitch, planned a festival day ticket with A and am now saving for a plane ticket for one of my oldest friend's wedding in Texas in February 2015.

As for B...I handed everything to her on a plate, was nice when I didn't have to be, so, she can actually go and fuck herself!!!

Thanks all, I just needed to make sure IWBU in the first place!!

Good on you. I agree, friend Bitch B can go and fuck herself. She is extraordinarily rude and clearly doesn't care if you have a nice birthday or if she has upset you, so cut her dead and don't give her any more thought.

I wonder if she is jealous of your longer friendship with A, in which case you going to the festival with A but not her will rile her, but if she wants to act like she is about nine, that's the kind of treatment she should expect in return.

Good work, OP

Well done !

Way to go! :)