Concerns for physical safety for child at ex's new flat

[LivingTrigonometryMnemonic]

My daughter has overnight contact once a week with my ex and his girlfriend, and one mid week after school afternoon. She is 5.

They have just moved to a new flat on the first floor of a building ie about a 4 m drop from the windows. Onto concrete. They have bought her a bunk bed which they have installed against two sets of windows- one at the end of the bed and one at the side of the bed.

I am freaked out about the safety issue about the bed being up against windows. (I am also freaked out about the bunk to be honest. They have a fabric ikea tunnel thing over it but she is quite acrobatic in her sleep and I don't think it is a great choice but I have not voiced this opinion) I think they should install safety rails on the windows.

I have spoken to him 3 times so far about it. Our local childrens hospital has actually written a pamphlet about the dangers of children falling from upper storey windows and repeatedly warns against putting furniture against windows. After 2 attempts to persuade him I've printed it out and it wasn't received well. The mattress is literally at window height. I am concerned that she will jump about on the mattress (discipline not a priority) and possibly crash against/ though the glass. I know it is not a probability but it is a possibility and I don't understand how installing safety rails isn't a basic safety precaution.

The relationship between us is not an easy one. He does not like to be told anything by me. There are general issues about a lack of concern for her safety and other aspects of this new address(eg she has a respiratory condition requiring adult grade steroids and the apartment they just bought is on a main road at a three way intersection. And the front door is about 40 metres from a petrol station, ie benzene risk amongst other issues. I have not raised these issues because there is nothing I can do about them to change them but I am thinking about how to deal with them, if I can.)

How can I persuade/ "make" him take the bed away from the bleeping window until he has some sort of device on there? Or am I being a neurotic controlling bitch as he would suggest?

I don't think there is any way you can make him move the bed.
What you can do though is teach your DD about how dangerous it is to play on the bed if the window is open or could be opened.

Are the windows single or double glazed?

No advice but I really sympathise. It's a really hard one. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to.

I agree with pp. speak to your daughter quite seriously about it.

Good luck

Single. I have told DD that I am concerned about her bed being against the windows but I don't want to be too emphatic to either make her anxious, or, equally, be accused of making her anxious.

Thank you both for replying. I just don't understand why he doesn't care! He asked not to have contact with her last week because he said having so many boxes about was dangerous!

Could you speak to your GP about your concerns? S/he be able to either confirm that the location of the flat will exacerbate your DD's respiratory condition or put your mind at rest.

Also (and hopefully things won't come to this), it creates an official log of your concerns should you ever feel you have to stop/restrict contact in future.

How about window locks? If not there already they can be bought and fitted quite easily/cheaply.

I will talk to the GP as I have to meet with her to talk about our care plan for the respiratory stuff anyway.

But actually I am sort of resigned to the fact that I can't change the respiratory issues stuff because it's about balancing what is best for DD; the location increases the risk to her health, and I think there are already signs of its impact, but the disruption to her relationship with her dad/ increased animosity between us would definitely impact on her if I started trying to permanently alter/ reduce/ control their contact.

I just don't understand how her needs do not register with him unless they are actively pointed out. I know that the first time he thought about her respiratory issues and the new location was when I pointed out that it was not great for her.

But at least the impact can be managed by medication and no additional/ increased contact at that site; not ideal but the best I can do. Scraping her brains off the concrete would be more challenging.

I feel so upset that I cannot trust her father to keep her safety in mind when he is making decisions that affect it. It really blows my mind.

It's not just the locks, and not even so much the locks- it's that there is an old single pane of glass on two sides of my child's bed that she can crash through if she does something silly. And she's 5 and doing silly things is part of the person. And he knows it and he won't put some stupid bars there to keep her safe- really because it's me telling him to do it.

If the glass is very old it may not even be safety glass, a friend of mine put her hand through a pane of glass once when leaning on it. Personally despite the difficult relationship I would do whatever it takes to get this sorted. I would email/write with your concerns and if he refuses to do anything I would report to SS.

Oh yeah, I'm pretty sure it's the slash yourself to smithereens variety of glass. And I am just going to keep nagging. At present I have said he needs to show me tomorrow that he has made her room safe either with rails or by moving the bed away from the window, or I won't agree to her staying overnight. But it means arguments, tension, confrontation, he will play games with our daughter (mummy is an ogre, etc). I think this is why I have put this in relationships rather than AIBU- I just asterisking don't understand why he doesn't want to do it in the first place and I am so frustrated by his pathetic inability to do the right thing if it is me pointing out the problem, no matter how politely I start off

I would not let her go unless it was safe. I would not let her go if he played 'mummy is an ogre' games either tbh.

tinkers right,ask SS to do a safety check on the flat. My friend did it with her ex.

Well the good news is that he has agreed to go and get some rails before she stays over tomorrow night. Sure it came with a thousand word essay on how I'm a bully and an abuser and mentally damaging our child, but that's the best I can hope for in dealing with him.

Thank you all for your support and assuring me that I'm not unhinged in being concerned.

Re the mummy is an ogre business, my main aim is to minimise damage and also be demonstrably non ogre-ish in my reaction. That way the situation is hopefully reduced in importance in my daughter's mind and also doesn't give him the reaction which I think he weirdly is desperate for me to have for some sort of need for attention kind of way.

Anyway, thank you all again.

Contact is for the benefit of the child not her selfish manchild parent. Sorry but I think you have things topsy turvy out of fear of his bullying. There's no way my dc would be going overnight unless he showed me some respect.

How do you think she is going to grow up feeling? She is being torn in two by his crap behaviour which basically makes it completely pointless seeing him as it is meant to be about building a relationship with him. If you're the main carer she'll perhaps feel uncomfortable about him and their relationship will be undermined or even worse she may think this is a normal way for dad to speak/feel about mum which affects her future relationships.

Honestly I think you have to be stronger on this, he's emotionally abusing her (as well as not caring about her physical health).

if it is single pane old glass this is a very real risk. As is his behaviour to her and the way he is twisting her up by slagging you off.

she'd be better off not seeing him.

She'd be better off spending productive quality time with him and if he really cannot spend time with her without being abusive or neglectful she would be better off not seeing him until/unless he can do that.

I want to make clear that this is not stopping contact. You are offering him contact with the caveat that he provides the basic minimum parenting of his child - not abusing or neglecting her. If he cannot/will not provide the basic minimum he, as an adult responsible for himself and a vulnerable young child with a dangerous health problem, he is making a choice not to see her or build a relationship with her.

If the rails are going up then fine. If not I would probably go with making her anxious! Better she has a phobia of windows and doesn't sleep (he might even move the bed...) than that she has an accident.

I mean if she was going to have free access to matches, then you'd put the fear of god into her about playing with matches. If you can't physically restrict their access to something then it's OK to be honest about the danger, IMO. I think most people are honest with their children about what would happen if they got hit by a car, because it helps them remember not to walk/run on the road.

Oh I do think she benefits from seeing him and in a variety of ways.

First of all he does love her even though he is, in my opinion, a deeply inadequate human being. I know that and she knows that too (that he loves her that is- the inadequacy factor is both opinion based and not presently shared as such!). And she really really loves him. If she couldn't see him it would hurt her.

I also think that we need a spectrum of people to shape our character in a balanced way, and sometimes that means people close to us who, when we reflect on it, don't necessarily behave "well". I have to have faith in my own parenting as her primary carer that I am secure and reliable and, as I like to refer to myself, "boring", and thus make her feel safe at bedrock level.

As long as he doesn't put her in danger I tend to leave him to it. As you can imagine our parenting styles are different. I don't think he is engaged in things that really matter- he's big on all the Disney dad stuff but not things like education/ boring responsible stuff. He gives her no boundaries but I think this is an indication of him being scared to be disliked by her even for a moment such as being told not to do something/ consequences for bad behaviour and actually a reflection of the lack of confidence in his own parenting.

I think a lot of his anger towards me stems from the fact that I am confident in my parenting and in particular have always obviously enjoyed it from the first moment. I think it has compounded his own sense of inadequacy. Which is why he flips out in moments like these.

I know that doesn't address the fact that it's not great for a child to have a bit of passive aggressive manipulation going on between their parents but sometimes when you are a parent you have to choose the least crap situation available and go with it. To me this is letting my daughter bask in the relationship that her father can offer, letting her see me assert boundaries on rare occasions and not be bothered by his tantrums in the same way I used to have to manage hers back when she was 2.

I also acknowledge that a one-on-one mother daughter relationship has the potential to be suffocating etc- I need to encourage the relationship between them for my own "good parenting" in seeing her as a separate identity etc.

So there you go.

But again ladies, I do appreciate the support, so thank you.

If you think that he would choose not seeing her at all over stopping the emotional abuse and neglect then he can't really love her can he?

I understand what you are saying about picking battles but I think there's more you can do here. Yes it might hurt her if he decided he would rather continue with the abuse than have a relationship with her but surely you would rather find out the reality if that was the case?

Children are not as disrupted by no contact as they are by bad contact you know? Also does it need to be overnight in a place that poses a health risk with a dad who is more interested in using you as a toy?

I don't think I'd be so confident that I could overcome the abuse (as well as poor parenting) with good parenting, I think you should be trying to remove the abuse as a child I think can be supported through poor parenting contact but I think will either grow up thinking abuse they suffer is normal, have emotional difficulties and repeat what they've learned or with anger that they weren't protected or both.

I still hate listening to my dad being awful about my mum and trying to get me on his side. They are still together but he is horribly emotionally abusive. Probably more sensitive than usual as he was unexpectedly there when I went to visit my mum yesterday and spent the whole time abusing, mainly her but also me and dc.

I hear what you are saying but I cannot actually prove that he has said anything as I am not there. On top of that he constantly accuses me of saying things that I have not said- puts it in writing as fact - you said this/ that- I have stopped bothering to reply as I think it is feeding his weird need for attention from me.

Legally to change the existing arrangements it would be his word vs mine in a court room and a judge would I think realistically just say stop being pathetic the two of you and leave arrangements as they are, which do actually work on most levels. And meanwhile our child would have been through the wringer.

If she does tell me that he has said something, I do say that such things are unkind both to her and to me. I say people make mistakes sometimes. I say that sometimes people can say silly things when they are angry. I say that daddy and I don't agree sometimes and that's why we aren't together anymore (but always emphasise that the one thing we do agree on is that we both love her) and that in such cases healthy distance is best. I have modelled stepping away from people who don't treat you respectfully (we had trouble with a neighbourhood child a couple of years ago who was bullying DD in her own home and I banned this child and explained why). I also have some really great friends (no partner- I'm not speaking euphemistically!) with whom I hope I model healthy respectful grown up relationships. My parents have also been very supportive of me, and I like to think my dad is modelling manly behaviour for her.

I do hear what you are saying though and I am mindful of it. I am trying to find the delicate balance. I try to minimise my interactions with him basically so he won't be "provoked". Although this has taken some time (I used to be a bit fond of the smart arse reply email when it got truly ridiculous. But it only fuelled the problem. Now I just find a happy place)

She's going through the wringer anyway. It wouldn't be your word against his because they would asses her. She would presumably confirm and in any case my xp never said anything to my dc (too small at the time) but I told him and was supported by the magistrate in the case who also told him, that he had to respect me and if he really couldn't he at the very least had to treat me with respect. So I wouldn't be too sure. In court cases they tend to trip themselves up when they are in a pattern of abuse even when they realise it would not be acceptable to others.

IMO some hurt and disruption which involves taking action to protect a child and resocialise them to an abuse free environment (and let them see that society doesn't accept abuse) is vastly better than the fire fighting, walking on eggshells and unpicking of consequences of maintaining the situation.