WWYD?

[henryhsmum]

Me and DH have had a major rough patch. Basically I found he had been cross dressing and been having sexually explicit conversations with men and using transsexual/gay porn throughout our 5 year relationship. He claims he is bisexual but that now the porn use has stopped his behaviour has stopped.

I really feel like I am in no man's land and do not know whether to re build it or not. I hate him and am disgusted at what he has done on the one hand but I also do still like him as a person and our family life.

I do not know what to do. I do not whether to try and re-build it or not. For once, I do not know where to start if we do try and re-build it. I feel very tense about any physical contact We can sit and talk fine but it's as if there is a threshold I can not quite cross over. And I swing in a daily basis as to if I want to try and re-build it.

I would like any advice on how to get over this as it is seriously affecting my mental health and I feel very depressed about it. We have had counselling but not really moved on from it.

What is he doing to try and make things better.

If you take the whole gender thing out of it, he's basically been cheating.

It is totally incumbent on him to kick start the process if you are going to move forward from this together.

What's usually advised when a partner is caught cheating is to get them to move out for a while so that you can have a proper think about what you want. Is that possible?

We have done a 2 week trial separation which I quite enjoyed! Things have been up and down since he has been back. He is making a big effort, going to counselling, looking at ways to rebuild intimacy etc. I just do not know whether I want to re-build it. In some ways it would be easier if he had done this with a woman because at least then I would not have sexuality to deal with on top of cheating . It just doesn't make sense that he would do this for 5 years then just forget his desire for men. My child has special needs though which is what is holding me back from separating mainly

Sorry love, but I wouldn't see a way back.

You can still be good co parents whilst not in a sexual relationship

Remember how it felt good not to have to think about his issues. Your life could be like that all the time ...what's not to love about that ?

What AnyFucker said ^

I can't see a way back, either, for you both. It's so sad - we don't choose our sexuality, but also, you can't choose how you feel about your DH's choices. Carry on and there'll always be that elephant in the room, with you worrying 'is he, isn't he?'

How you felt during that temporary separation could be how you feel from now on. As for your dear child, kids do pick up on anxieties and tension of their parents.

Even if you break up, you can still be amazing parents to your child.

He was cheating for 5 years? Did I read that right?
He doesn't deserve you and has shown that he has no respect for you all.

In your shoes, I would try to find a way to pick my self esteem up off the floor and chuck him out.
Seriously.

I have to say I'd agree with the others that this relationship is probably over.

He's looked you in the eye daily for five years and lied, while all the time he's been sexually intimate with other people behind your back.

I don't think it's possible to salvage anything after such a sustained deceit.

I can't understand how he liked menfor five years but suddenly stopped? That is the part I don't believe.

Yes, he was cheating for 5 years. He was cross dressing and using porn, mostly interacting with transexuals/cross dressers/gay men. Basically, one night he left a secret email account open and I found it all from that. He had been using porn sites web cams and performing on them himself and having cyber sex with other men (basically instant messaging/skype). He even did it the day before our wedding! He has explained it by saying that he had used porn for years and this led to the cross dressing but he thinks that as he has stopped the porn now the cross dressing etc is no longer an issue. Looking back on at he has had issues with ED during our relationship but he blames that on porn not his sexuality. As far as I know he has not met anyone but what he has done is as bad.

Re DS, he is his stepson so there is only a limited amount that he can be made to do co-parenting wise.I guess I am frightened of being alone as DS has ADHD/ASD and is adorable but challenging and I worry that no one else would want to be with me with a disabled child and I am scared of being lonely. I am self employed so have limited contact with people on a day to day basis.

I also feel like such an idiot as we have not been married long at all, not even long enough to get a divorce! Our whole lives, work etc have been set up based on us being together and it is going to be hard to unpick all of that

You'll be more lonely in a relationship without trust than you would be on your own.

I would imagine it impossible to stay with someone who actually made my skin crawl

wow this would be it for me. there may be more lies - have you been to a sexual health clinic. I am so sorry what you are going through.

I haven't been to an STI clinic but I probably should. I have found no evidence he has met people and he ha adamant he hasn't.

He would say that, wouldn't he ?

In 5 years, I would be very surprised if the ilicit and escalatign thrill of what he has been doing behind your back has not culminated in RL meetings for more play.

He has ED issues, cross dresses and has sexual encounters with men? What you have there is a gay husband. He won't stop being gay because he stops having sex with men or cross dressing. He will just be a miserable, frustrated, closeted gay man and you will be the put upon wife full of resentment and unhappiness.

That's him I'm afraid. That's who he is. That's what he is. If you somehow got him to stop everything he's doing, he'd be living a lie. I can't see how you could continue with this.

I'm so sorry OP but I don't think I could come back from this.

He is saying he is bisexual but that he will make a choice not to pursue that side of his sexuality any more. I am not sure that helps me because to me the bi side of him makes him gay if that makes any sense. Just not what I signed up for. But I guess the flip side is he did not sign up for a disabled step child and he is very good with him

What would I do?

I would drop kick his arse into outer space is what I would do if I found out my husband was having sexually explicit conversations with men and using transsexual/gay porn, performing sex acts on webcams and having cyber sex with fuck knows who.

However I'm not you and you seem a much more tolerant individual than me to be able to even consider trying to 'rebuild' a marriage with someone who has done this, and admits to having done it, even on the night before your wedding ffs?

There wouldn't be a snowball's chance in hell of rebuilding this marriage if I was in your shoes, but I'm not.

You say you're scared of being lonely .. but is that a good enough enough reason for staying with someone like this? I'm self-employed, work from home and I don't see many people, I've brought up two kids on my own, and haven't so much as had a sniff of a bloke in seven years and I can promise you this - it's a thousand times better than being in an unhappy relationship. There's also a huge difference between being alone and lonely. The former doesn't automatically mean the latter and life can be good without a bloke - in fact for me, it's a bloody sight better and to be honest, I doubt I will ever have another relationship again. This is from the woman who thought she couldn't live without a man in her life.

So don't be worrying about loneliness and whether or not anyone will have you and your son. You have each other and no-one will love and care for him better than you. What you need to focus on now is whether you can continue to live with someone who is capable of doing what your husband has done to you for the entire duration of you marriage it seems, until you caught him out. Presumably if you hadn't, he just would have carried on?

If you are seriously depressed and it's affecting your mental health, then it's difficult to see how staying where you are, or even trying to rebuild is going to make things any better.

I feel for you, I really do. Good luck and I hope that somehow you find the strength to do what is best for you and your son.

Henrysmum,

There is nothing you can do about his desires. He will always have them and will always want to fulfil them. And he will find a way to do so.

I agree with you that it would have been easier for him to have run off with another woman. You can't compete with his desires. I very much doubt that he can help himself. It must be pretty awful for him. And pretty bloody lousy for you too.

I am not naturally a tolerant person but I have had to learn to be because of dealing with DS and his ADHD/ASD. Part of me thinks perhaps I need To forgive because he has accepted DS although I know they are 2 separate issues. Were it not for his needs I would leave tomorrow.

DH and I function as a family and as friends to some extent but not on an intimate level.

He is claiming that his erectile issues have gone away now the porn has stopped but frankly I do not want to get close enough to him to find out.

I guess I am unsure as to if we can build intimacy over time or if we are just dead in the water now.

Re my fear of being lonely, I think it stems from having been in relationships pretty much all of my adult life and it would be a big change for me . Stress of organising childcare as I do work occasional evenings which are unavoidable.

Eh ?

You would really excuse his cheating because he "took on" a disabled step child? That's one hell of a shitty rationalisation you got going on there.

I know it is strange rationalisation. What is I mean that in terms of family life he makes me happy and makes life easier with a disabled child but on a one to one live I am not happy so it's weighing the 2 things up

Sexual infidelity is not really something I could rationalise for the sake of my DC, tbh

It's better your son is modelled a functional, loving relationship....not one defined by deceit, disrepect and lack of trust