Husband having tantrums

[jampot]

My dh is becoming increasingly toddler like. If he can't get his own way or I question something he says/does (because I think he's talking out of his backside) he throws a tantrum. Today because I questioned the value of the caravan we're thinking of selling (he asked a mate!!!) by ringing the dealership we bought it from last year, he smashed one of my dining chairs! The other day because I left a glass of water on the windowsill which he didn't see and some spilt on the floor, he fired the glass down the stairs where it smashed after hitting the wall and shards were in the lounge, dining room, hall and back up the stairs and the base of the glass was by the front door. He also threatens to pack his bags and leave if things aren't going his way. I am so fed up and sad that my life has ended up like this. Over the last few years we've had 4 kitchen doors (we no longer put the handle on the door 'cos it's not worth it!) and 3 telephones (he gets pi**ed off and smashes them). He has no brothers and sisters and was spoilt rotten as a child (I know I'm making excuses) but I really need him to grow up for the sake of our children.

jampot you might not like this but imho be careful because if he's this violent he can take it out on you sometime and also call him out if he says he's going to leave tell him thats up to him and your not going to stand in his way because at the end of the day you got to think will you be better with him or without because as long as he can get away with it he will and he needs to learn hes a grown man with responseabilitys if you feel you cant do that is there anyone you can confide in that new him growing up ad knew how his parents punished him or talked to him to calm him down you could try that but still im a bit worried about how he expresses his anger it seems a bit dangerous to me
sorry cant help more as i was a only child and noone has ever made alowances for me because of it im treated the same and i treat the same no matter how big the family was

Agree with Jampot, this is not good. My x started by smashing my things and threatening to leave and ended up hitting me. Have you tried talking to him about it when things are going well? Maybe some counselling would help, something like relate?

Sorry that should have been agree with mummytojames

thanks was a bit confused then

mummytojames - thanks for that. My husband is also adopted and has literally had his own way all through his life. His parents (esp. his mum) are a little strange in that they STILL give him money and bend over backwards for him. HE'S 37!

Last year my inlaws spent quite a bit of time here (they live in Spain) when I was at work visiting my dh. My inlaws knew my dh would have liked a caravan but had resigned himself to the fact that we weren't having one (had one before, tried it, I hated it). They kept taking him out looking at them and getting my dh very interested. I explained that I hated caravanning and although I didn't want to ruin his fun we couldn't afford one anyway. So his parents offered to buy it for him. £15K!!!!!!! They paid for storage, accessories etc as well. THen we found out his mum took out a loan at my address!!!! which he hasn't discussed with her yet.

He has never hit me or the children. We've been together for about 17 years. He had an accident at work in 2001 and he began "controlling" since then really although he's always been a bit "anal" about certain things like "can't wash the car on the drive only on the roadside", "put the washing line down when it's empty" etc.
I "found" his birth mum nearly 2 years ago and tbh he changed quite a bit then but recently he seems to have reverted back to "spoilt brat".

jampot first i definately get that loan sorted out and secoundly it dont seem compleatly your dps fault its seems that his parents are trying to keep him there little boy and you realy need to discuss this with him and explain that in the real world you cant get everything your own way and you cant go breaking thing when they dont go your way also ask him to stop having money off his parents as there might be a day where they cant afford to give it and he has to learn to cope with whatever he's got and no more try talking to him about anger manege ment classes and explain that you are worried for your and you children saftey

Thanks for listening mummytojames - I really appreciate it. I've explained I don't like him taking money offered by his parents (as they tend to throw it back in his/our face) and I've even told them! They insist on doing it behind my back and I spot it in our accounts. He has had anger management sessions but he doesn't like to put an awful lot of effort into anything. I just try to remain calm and reassure the kids if they hear him at it. Tonight my ds asked if "daddy was being a twa*"! word picked up at school.

Jampot so sorry to read this you probably know that your dh is behaving like a w*er. Could you give him an ultimatum? If he's the one who always threatens to leave in a petulant hissy fit, maybe you saying calmly that his behaviour is bad for the children and bad for you and if he can't control himself you'd be better off without him would shock him into behaving like a grown up... if not, you are no worse off than you are now. Have you thought about life without him? Could you survive financially?

We have discussed his leaving when he's calmed down and he always says he doesn't want to leave he just gets so het up and he doesn't know what he'd do without me etc. I work part time with no real scope for increasing hours (according to boss), I have no parents and my 2 sisters both work full time and live half an hour away so no real scope to change my job (and still get school holidays off) so financially I am dependent on him (and I think he likes that!)

jampot - I hate to join in with the bad news but my UH started off EXACTLY like this and ended up doing much worse to me. I haven't heard of any man yet that starts like this and then things get better.

My h always used to tell me he'd be lost without me etc etc but its all of form of control and someone like that can get inside your head and make you think you should stay with them. If he carries on like that then quite frankly he's a danger to your children and to you so you need to stop it. If that means you can't live together then that's his fault entirely.

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Whoah! The guy sounds like an utter arse with no care for his family! He can't expect to act like that and you just 'take it'. My suggestion is that the next time he throws an almighty paddy you call the police. If not at least to let him know his behaviour is utterley unnaceptable and how seriously you take it. A full grown man throwing a paddy is not attractive, and no matter what is behind it yours and your childrens safety must be paramount. Besides, whether he dispalys likethis in front of the children or not, the tension is still there. Does he understand learnt behaviur? Does he understand that he's teraching his kids that this type of thing is the norm?

I wish you well, but get on top of it whilst you have broached the matter!

Hugs xxxx

My DH before we were married was a bit of a door slammer etc. One time when we had a row he kicked one of our lounge chairs and broke some bones in his foot - that slowed him down in more ways than one. The last time which was years ago now he threw an alarm clock and broke it. I told him in no uncertain terms that he scared me to death when he behaved this way and that the next time he did it would be the last time because I would leave. No trouble since. I would get him checked out by a neurologist to make sure his accident hasn't brought on or worsened this behaviour and I would give him an ultimatum. Good Luck.

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Really helpful article in this month's (April issue) Eve magazine called "Living with Mr Angry" about partners who are violent without actually hitting their partners - but it's still domestic violence. It has case studies and some help numbers at the end which look useful for you.

As with everyone else here I don't think it'll stop with the throwing/destroying things - it will get worse before it gets better - but do you want to wait for the straw that will break the camel's back IYKWIM. It just takes one badly aimed chair to land on someone's head..you should nip this in the bud now and discuss with your dh about him getting some help. Would his behaviour be acceptable and excusable if it took place at work or in the street?? All the best and hope this gets sorted for you both soon.

This is not a tantrum its severe anger/violence.He probably was so used to getting his own way as a child he just expects it.He needs help he could cause an accident with worse consequences than a broken piece of furniture

I read something in a magazine about this just this month - either Eve or Red. It was talking about men who use tantrums nad smashing things and losing their temper to get their own way and how it was a real form of domestic abuse that regularly moves on to violence.
I don't have any advice as its not something I've ever experienced but it seems like both of you should get help - him for his anger, you to keep you and your children safe.
Will be thinking of you - all the best.

Bob's mum - posts crossed!

susan - it was Eve. I only bought the mag to see Thomcat's article but I read that and I'm really glad I did. That's exactly what happened in my case and the article was spot on, its still domestic violence and it usually never stops and just gets worse.

jampot, I really think it would help if you read it, I'll photocopy it myself and send or email it to you if you want.

I am being so dense today!!! Sorry bobsmum - I should definitely read the whole thread carefully first!!!

Hi Jampot,

I hope you don't mind my butting in but I noticed you mentioned earlier that your DH was in an accident - this could be something worth considering as an ex-dp of mine had a mother whose temper was incredible after she had been involved in an accident.

Ex-dp said she was (and still is) not the same person after the accident but it was recognised and she is now a volunteer/fund raiser for a charity that helps families of victims of head injuries.

I'm not advocating his behaviour but maybe some of his temper is borne of frustration because he aware of what he is doing/being? Ex dp's mum would often be in tears because she knew she was being foul/upsetting everyone.

Could it be a possibility?

Yes I was wondering about that too. A good friend of mine is a psychiatrist who specialises in head injuries and some of the personality changes that people can undergo from relatively minor seeming head injuries is frightening.

He didn't suffer a head injury - he was testing a vehicle which burst into flames (he didn't realise until the fire had really taken hold as he was over an extractor fan which draws all the fumes etc down) when he noticed he ran out to alert everyone but found that everyone had already gone and it was up to him to try and shut off the oxygen to the test area. Phone lines to fire office were also down and in fact fire was out before the fire engine got there. He was off for 3 months with PTSD and on reduced hours for a further 6 months. It was "diagnosed" by a psychiatrist and he got 6.5k from his employer- but he is now a control freak plus a spoilt brat!

OMG - I've just been out to buy Eve (both to see Lottie and to see article on Mr Angry. It is absolutely spot on. I can't believe it. I am going to see about sending dh to an anger management workshop after seeing GP (making him face his problem with someone he knows). Thanks so much to drawing my attention to this article.