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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Separated & Desperate for advise

36 replies

simplesal70 · 24/04/2014 15:10

HI, I'm new to this forum. I have been reading the messages etc. posted, very interesting information. I need advise desperately regarding my situation. I will try to be brief, I have been separated 7 months now having been married for 8 years. It was both our second marriage, I have a daughter from my first and he had two children from his. They were 3 & 5 years old when we became a family. The youngest never new her mum. My daughter is older. The home we lived in was bought in May 2006 shortly after we got married. The mortgage is in his name. Two years after we were married I went out to work. I supported him and we struggled during the first few years of marriage but last summer my husband announced that he is in love and deserves to be happy. Took his children to meet his new partner and began verbally abusing me. He told me he would buy a house for me to live in so that he could move his partner in and they could all be a happy family. At first I agreed due to the mental, emotional and physical stress I was in. After carefully thinking it through I said no to him I won't leave as that is the matrimonial home, partially mine. He then said he would leave with his children and I should take over the mortgage (over �140,000) and take over all the bills etc. I could never afford this because I work part-time. He took the children away from our home for 3 days and did not tell me where they were, later I found out he took them to his new partner. He told me not to do anything for the children and would verbally abuse me in their presence. He was pressuring me to leave and eventually I decided to look for a place to rent for me and my daughter. But this was taking time and one night in september he came home and shouted that he wanted me gone by tomorrow (16 september) in the presence of the children who were very upset. I left that night in the rain with my daughter. I now found out that he's bought a house for his partner and moved her to our town. I have been reading up on law firms who specialises in divorce and feels I need to do this. I am drained financially and feels so stressed out over this situation. grateful for any advise.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/04/2014 15:59

I'm sorry you've had such a terrible experience and that your husband has turned out to be such a bully. Do you have any RL support from friends and family? That can be invaluable.

I'd strongly recommend that you talk to some of the law firms that you have been reading up on or get a recommendation from either Womens Aid or from friends/family. You need one that isn't put off by the abusive element, will offer you a free initial consultation and who ideally will postpone settlement of their fee until after all the finances have been finalised.

As a wife, I think you will find that you not only have a significant share in the value of the marital home but also in the house he just bought for his new partner and any other assets that are also in his name. Your child may also be entitled to financial maintenance if they are not already supported by their natural father.

Do make the appointment urgently and best of luck

Original poster

simplesal70 · 25/04/2014 09:38

Thank you. I have support from friends, my family does not reside here. I have an apopointment on Monday and will try to get as much information as i can and hopefully they will accept payments after the settlement is resolved. I am making notes, questions etc.so that I remember all I need to ask. thanks very much.

OP posts:

Mrscaindingle · 25/04/2014 09:56

What a horrible person your ex has turned out to be, I also hope you are getting some emotional and practical support for you and your daughter.

Can I ask where you have been staying and why it has taken you so long to get legal advice?

MirandaIV · 25/04/2014 10:17

Oh you poor love. Apart form all the hideous financial pressure, which I'm sorry I can't advise on, how are you doing emotionally?
Mine left me three months ago and is with another woman now. He has turned vicious too. It's incredible how someone who was your closest ally and the person you turned to for support becomes an evil bully when they have another woman. The pain is unbearable.

Original poster

simplesal70 · 25/04/2014 11:54

Thanks for your advise. I've had counselling for the first 5 months and stopped earlier this year, but I feel I need to start again. I thought I was strong enough to cope. My daughter and i rented a flat and have been trying to support each other, she's at university. when I was forced to leave the matrimonial home, my ex then prevented me from seeing the kids (they live with him). I could not see them or speak to them or even go to their school. And being desperate to see them I got a solicitor and went to court to get some contacts with the children. He completely ignored the court order and never brought the kids. It was draining me financially and I retracted my application from the courts. That fight left me drained and I felt beaten and helpless. Now a few months on I feel I need to end this. I miss the kids terribly. I hope one day they will come looking for me.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 25/04/2014 13:29

For now, you have to give up on the idea of a relationship with your stepchildren.
It's horrible for you, you were their mother. But they're not yours biologically, and children can be fickle - and they will definitely be getting poisonous crap from their father.
So - restart the counseling to deal with the fallout from that, the grieving you need to do. But don't put effort - financial and mental - into changing it.

But all your effort into getting divorced, and getting a fair settlement. You didn't work because you were bringing up his kids.
You should be getting a share of the house value, other assets, and pension. If he can go around buying houses for people, I think there's a certain amount of wealth there, so don't take any shit.
You don't need to be nice to him. Don't fall into a trap of thinking taking less than you are entitled to will help with your stepdaughters - he'll lie and bad mouth you whatever you have to do.

Good luck. You WILL move on faster once this is sorted.

MrsC1969HJ · 26/04/2014 12:50

Just checking in here OP, I will mention your thread on mine. Legal advice is vital. Please also think about contacting the CAB, they can advise on a wealth of issues. I also think you should continue with the counselling, I have found it to be brilliant, it is really helping me to come to terms with everything although I know there is a long way to go. Keep posting, you will get a lot of support and help here! x

springydaffs · 26/04/2014 15:32

Awful story, I'm so sorry you're going through this hell ((hug))

I mentioned on the other thread to call Womens Aid and you haven't mentioned that you have? What you are experiencing is abuse and Womens Aid are the experts in this: you don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse. Their number is 0808 2000 247 and the lines are open 24/7 but better to call between 7pm and 7am as the lines are generally busy during the day. This should be your first port of call as they have everything lined up to support you.

You could also do the Freedom Programme - I have linked you to the page where you can find a group near you. Apart from meeting many lovely, strong women who are in a similar situation (which in itself is a huge avenue of support to meet people who know exactly what it's like), you get some invaluable tips from people who are going through a similar process. The Freedom Programme crucially outlines the thinking of men who abuse in the way you are being abused - and knowledge is power.

He is on a sticky wicket legally and financially but you need every possible agency behind you to fight him. Hence starting with Womens Aid who have it all up and ready to go. xx

captainmummy · 27/04/2014 18:25

SimpleSal - good luck with the appointment tomorrow. Maybe post on 'legal' too?

MrsC1969HJ · 27/04/2014 18:28

Yes, that's a good idea captainmummy....good luck Simple...post and let us know how you got on x

JuliaScurr · 27/04/2014 18:31

rightsofwomen.org.uk

oldgrandmama · 27/04/2014 18:37

Please, dear OP, see a solicitor fast. You've been treated abominably. You have lots of rights, that horrible man can't get away with treating you like that. I agree with the poster, above, who suggested that for now, you don't worry about seeing your step children. Concentrate on yourself and your child for now. You've been completely shafted by that ghastly apology for a 'man'.

MrsC1969HJ · 28/04/2014 17:44

How did you get on today SimpleSal...?

babybarrister · 28/04/2014 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

simplesal70 · 29/04/2014 08:37

HI,
Sorry for not replying sooner. Last weekend I spent collecting bits and pieces of what I think could be used as evidence and began putting together a statement listing a chain of events which eventually lead to me being forced out. I met with the legal people yesterday and was comfortable with what they told me, all prepared and ready for them to take on my case. Left all the evidence they needed but by the time i got home I got a phone call from them saying they're sorry they could not represent me as they represented him! I left work early yesterday to sort this out, now today I have to return to collect my documents and deposit! I will be making some calls today and hopefully find another firm to take on this case. I have a hospital appointment coming up for a minor surgery so I will be off for two days. I will return to my counselling as soon as I can find the time. At the moment I'm taking time off to attend appointments etc. I will definitely call Women's Aid. Thanks very much for all your support and advise. I have decided to leave the children alone and not try to contact them. I was hurt that these past two weeks when they were home they never tried to contact me, even with a text which I know they could have done.

OP posts:

Original poster

simplesal70 · 29/04/2014 08:43

I've also sent an email to the Freedom Programme to book on one of the programmes.

OP posts:

captainmummy · 29/04/2014 08:47

Sal - you have done so much; well done. It's a pity he was already represented by your choice of solicitor. Def try another - at least you know you should have a good case.

I know it's hurtful about the children - but don't forget they will be confused and will have all sorts of poison being fed to them by Ex. The time will come when you can put your own case to them.

Good luck iwth your op, and with the freedom program; I've heard a lot of goodthings about it.

Original poster

simplesal70 · 29/04/2014 21:19

Hi, I've manage to get an appointment tomorrow with another reputable firm. I will also be attending one of the freedom programme sessions on Thursday. I've put off counselling for now until I can get things on the way. I don't want to take on too much at this stage. thanks again

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MrsC1969HJ · 29/04/2014 23:14

Sal...amazing job girl! You are right on track...I am really glad. What a bloody nightmare using same solicitor, I am just a bit concerned that they now have "inside" info. What did you tell them and how did they make the connection with your ex? Fantastic about Freedom Programme but don't give up on counselling, I have found this to be totally invaluable and it grounds me every week...have had four sessions with 6 remaining. Obviously I understand taking on too much, there is only so much you can do. Keep posting and please please let us know how you get on tomorrow, good luck and lots of love xxx

Original poster

simplesal70 · 02/05/2014 09:38

Hi, I met with a new solicitor on Wednesday and felt good after she explained the entire process to me. At least it's a start. apparently the previous firm was meant to do a client check before they agreed to see me and they did not. I attended my first session of the freedom programme yesterday. It was amazing just to sit and listen to other women who have experienced the same exact things as I did and when the moderator explained that type of behaviour. I will try and attend every week. Have put off the counselling for now simply because i won't be able to fit it all in. I work full-time. thanks for all the support.
sal

OP posts:

captainmummy · 02/05/2014 13:11

Well done Sal - do you have a plan for the solicitor?

And well done on the Freedon Program - I've heard great things about it. It can be done online too i think.

Original poster

simplesal70 · 05/05/2014 09:36

Hi, I met with a solicitor who came highly recommended. She explained everything to me and the procedure etc. she's begin the process of filing the petition in court. I will continue with the freedom programme, it is very good. Have a calm and relaxing bank holiday

OP posts:

springydaffs · 07/05/2014 12:30

So glad to hear you've made it to the Freedom Programme - it's a real eye-opener, isn't it? And so 'wonderful' to meet others who know exactly what it's like so you don't have to explain or justify the hideousness of it.

Brilliant that you've got a good solicitor on your side at last. Onwards and upwards

Original poster

simplesal70 · 08/05/2014 14:53

Thanks for the encouragement. Second session today with the Freedom Programme. Yes, it's a real eye-opener. Makes you wonder how you lived through it all those years.!

OP posts:

springydaffs · 08/05/2014 23:44

I know! It's a bit of a shock, really, once the scales fall from your eyes..

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