Please give me your perspective on this - anger and stonewalling?

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This is a new a/c for me but have been on mumsnet for years. I cannot post under my original name as a couple of years ago my H must have somehow found my name changes as I found my threads that he must have read (about him) and had saved into the favourites under a hidden folder.

My H can be a very angry person at times. Last week is a typical eg whereby he literally had his face pushed right up against mine, his head was blood red and he was screaming at me. This was because my car was due to go in for some repairs and my insurance company said they were classing my car as undriveable and would deliver a courtesy car. I took this to mean that I should not drive my car as it was not insured to be on the road. The garage advised the only car available was an automatic or i could wait 4 days for a manual. I need a car for work and so was going to accept the automatic (up until 2.5 yrs ago I drove an auto for 2 yrs anyway). My H was mad about this and said I should wait for the manual and because i genuinely thought I shouldnt drive my car as it was classed as undriveable I was happy to just accept the automatic hence why he ended up screaming in my face. (It turns out I was wrong about the fact that it wouldn't have been covered by the insurance, just that the insurance recommends it isn't driven).

After such events my H thinks it is ok to carry on as if nothing has happened. I find these sort of things very upsetting for various reasons, because I should be able to choose for myself if I am ok with the car for eg and also because I think even if he doesn't think I am making the right choice he shouldn't scream at me as he does. He used to say sorry and then we would have the talk about why it isn't acceptable and move on but some time ago I told him it is no good just saying sorry he needs to stop doing it at all. So now he doesn't apologise and so because of this I do not speak to him as I am fed up of being treated like this.

I think my H finds it very difficult to deal with any sort of stressful situation, and this makes him angry.

So my query is does this mean I am stonewalling him? How would you deal with this type of situation? To an outsider It could look as though I am abusing him - maybe I am?

I would never have wanted to break the family up, but I think it has got to the point where it may need to happen.

Yes it does feel like a big dirty secret and that isolates you further.

bbsb we are not already selling up - I think there is a bit of confusion as I have said if we were to separate I would have to sell - this is because I wouldn't get a mortgage on my own for the outstanding balance and I assume I would also need to pay him out.

Cestlavie yes I start work at 6am and then go back home to sort the children so that he leaves for work and then do school run and go back to work. Changing my hours again would probably mean reducing as there is no other possible time I could go in due to childcare issues which would reduce income further and then mean more problems getting enough to buy another house. BTW when H is not there things are lovely.

I can see that how things are means that things have to change and as Phiney says breaking all these things down and getting them sorted so that I can move on in life is probably my best approach.

Thanks for continuing thoughts/suggestions from all.

I think then if you could sort out childcare issues (au pair maybe) it would help you thinking about how to change everything else.

What hours do work now.

Shoving your face into someone else's face and screaming at them is not normal behaviour.

He sounds awful .

Don't any more excuses for his behaviour.

See a solicitor.

Start making practical plans to start a fresh without this creep.

Confide in real life friends they will support you, you will also get lots of support on here.

Between 38.5 and 42.5 hrs.

Every morning from 6am, go back home for school run 4 days a week (mum does other day). Finish in time for school run 3 days a week (my mum collects 2 days a week) my non school collecting days I finish about 5 ish.

Ok. See a solicitor ASAP. You can get a short, initial consultation for free or visit CAB and they can arrange for you.

My first husband was the same. Jekyll & Hyde-type personality. He would shout at me, nose-to-nose and I can see his face still..... Full of rage and blood red. He'd fling stuff and push me. He never ever hit me so I "knew" (!) it wasn't domestic abuse. I was wrong. That's exactly what it was. Deep down, my DH didn't want to be a dad/husband and was overwhelmed by the responsibility of it, both financially and emotionally. No one would have believed me. He was charm itself outside the home.

My ds was 4 and disabled. I worked nights, 12 shifts as a nursing sister. One night, after a row in which he kept pushing me in the kitchen (he was holding ds and shouting at me. DS screaming his little head off with his arms outstretched to me) I had no alternative but to put my uniform on and go to work. The next morning, when I got home and was in the shower, exH saw me through the glass and of course, all down one side, I was covered in bruising. I hadn't noticed at the time but each time he pushed me, I'd "bumped" into the kitchen cabinets like the ball in a pin ball machine. The rows were about little things. It was all about control. DH left. DS hardly missed him, to be honest. It was hard at first but I got to remain in the house. Went into an interest only mortgage. Got significant Working Tax Credits to top up my (now) part time income. I was better off money-wise and health wise, without him.

I put up with his bullying for years. Don't you do it. Your kids will thank you.

Eliza22 your post is so like my situation. XH didn't hit but he was a control freak and an abuser. And yes to all the pushing and minor injuries.

And OP I got the significant Working Tax Credits and I even worked out a deal with XH to buy the house from him with reduced (well zero) child maintenance payments for a period. It's been hard financially but so so worth it. We are a happy home now and you can be too.

I think, OP that you cannot imagine a time when you will be happy and safe and secure. Thing is, you have to make it happen. Otherwise, you'll reach 50, your kids will be grown and moving in and you're left with The Controller.

Think about it in perspective. You have to think ahead, to the future. It begins now.

"Kids will be grown and moving on"

Read, when you said "It's like I know what the right thing to do is but I am unable to do it? It makes me cross with myself for being so weak." I could totally identify.

I can pinpoint the exact day and hour when I looked at my now XH and thought "I really don't want to be married to you any more". From that point, it still took me twenty months to leave. Knowing what you want and being ready to do it are not always the same thing - but once that thought had come into my head, I could never go back to the pre-thought me (if you follow!)

It isn't weakness. It's all about preparing yourself mentally and emotionally to do WHAT you want WHEN you want to.