Being affectionate to/with your oh

[Somanybabyseagulls]

Have read through Nps thread and noticed that Oliveoil posted about her oh asking her to be affectionate, ie hug, kiss etc rather than get on with 'stuff'. Dh and I are having serious problems at the moment and this is exactly what I want/need from him, the odd kiss and cuddle without me having to ask/initiate. I have told him time and time again that this is important to me. Anyone else have this problem? anyone have any answers?

sorry, totally off-thread, but what does OH, stand for ? I've seen a few people use it on here, it seems to be a relatively new thing (I've been here 3+ years). Have I missed something ?

Other half (well that's what I use it for).

other half?

Ahhhhhhh, thanks

Sorry for mini-hijack.

now we got that out of the way, any advice?

sorry

Didn't mean to sound rude ndp, just looking for some much needed help.

don't know if this is appropriate to your situation at all, but we are in exactly the same situation - but with the roles reversed. My oh got all romantic in bed when we had hardly been speaking for days, argument ensued where he said basically sex was important to him, I was really cold and uncaring about him etc. etc. I can honestly say that this is due to the fact that I am resentful of the time he spends working/playing golf & cricket and helping everybody else out with jobs. I feel the only time he spends with us he is completely knackered and miserable, hardly any help with the kids at all. I feel fed up and I suppose just basically want him to realise this, help out more and stop putting us last, (maybe a bit harsh but you see what I mean). So, I suppose my point is that there may be more going on than just that he isn't as touchy/feely as you would like but may well be him showing his feelings by witholding what you want, ie a kiss/cuddle. Also, I am quite a practical person and liike to get jobs done before I can relax, so don't always relax enough until I can switch off from humdrum work/routine you get into when you have kids - don't know if this helps?

Thanks for that H, dh is also very practical like you and I can see your point of getting things done then relaxing but surely a quick cuddle before loading the dishwasher etc isn't too much to ask. I am thinking of resorting to

a physically putting his arm round my shoulders when I feel the need for a cuddle so that when I am near him at a certain angle he will eventually automatically do this, like training a puppy to sit!

b withdrawing any/and all services iyswim (although as he is on the sofa at the moment this is not an immediate option) until things change.

That's what I want anniemac, for him to realise that the odd hug, little glance and touch can mean so much when you are having a dark, dark day.

God I'm always hugging, touching, kissing him just love feeling him. He will hold me for a while then get on with what he has to, ie jobs, he rarely initiates a kiss, even in bed iyswim. Sometimes i feel that I am just pushy but where else/how can I get the affection I need from him. Starting to think like a teenager that if I wasn't overweight (not by a huge amount tho) that he might 'fancy' me a bit more!

Personally feel that plan A may work as I have read that when you are trying to re-build a relationship try holding hands/hugging etc. even if you don't feel like it, and in time he will hopefully find he actually feels like doing it iyswim. Think plan B may backfire and just build more resentment. Our problem is definitely lack of communication/me not liking an arguement so avoiding the issue, it then gets bigger and is always there just under the surface ready to spring out. The other night in bed actually brought it to the surface as he was obviously p'ssed off that he wanted sex and I didn't - we ended up "discussing" it at length and actually he ended up getting what he initially wanted as I felt happier, . Now think the best way to discuss things is when neither of us can run away/escape, ie in the car or in bed.
Conclusion - this may not be appropriate in your situation at all, but if it is - talk, get to the root of the problem and the outward displays of affection may improve. I do not like feeling like this, so your OH half may not either, but that doesn't mean to say I will put up with feeling like shit inside but being all falsely lovey dovey on the outside.
Also, (sorry, just re-read your last post), you say is it too much to ask for a cuddle before emptying dishwasher, no, not a lot to ask but if he really doesn't feel like a cuddle at that time and his heart isn't in it is it really fair, why not wait until you both feel in the mood. If he is practical like me and also stressed it feels false to give someone a hug when you don't want to - I have just asked/begged my dh to take me away somewhere for a night - anywhere will do - just to get me away from the boring routine. Who knows what might happen, . Hope some of the above may ring a bell with you.

Helenn, thanks for that. Lots of bells ringing there, never occured to me that he might not fancy a cuddle/kiss. I do feel that I tend to 'paw' him but that's just the way I am. Problems are arising due to my depression and his lack of willingness to help me so discussing is not a great idea at the moment (seeing counsellor next week). Just need a hug every now and again for re-assurance that I am not totally losing the plot!

When I was married I was only touched, hugged etc when I knew he was expecting sex. Very quickly I began to dread this and resented him. There has to be affection all the time not just to lead upto sex.
My DP is very understanding of this without me telling him. Even if say I don't feel like sex he is still affectionate and loving. There is something so important in that little kiss or hug for no reason.

You are so right chocky, you are so lucky to have someone who is in tune with you, imagine you have a lovely relationship.

Sorry, it's me again. Think this has got to me because I feel like I really do see it from the other side to you. My oh is not depressed but is very stressed due to lack of money, feeling of responsibility of supporting the family, pressure of running his own business etc. I find it very difficult to help him because I need some help/attention myself. Also, as a practical person I am not tactile/lovey dovey so it does not come naturally unless I am happy and relaxed. As others have said on other threads people suffering from depression can sometimes be quite selfish and not able to consider others needs, (sorry not meaning to be horrible to you), maybe he needs help as well and can only then help you when he is feeling better/stronger himself. Obviously you are in a very stressful situation but I am sure it can get better with counselling and talking to each other, (have you tried writing down what each of you are upset about in a non-accusatory way?)

Sorry, should have said I have to go now, but will check in again this evening. Really hope you stay strong and work together to sort this out - I am sure it would be worth it in the end!

Yes I know how lucky I am.
But I know how you're feeling. With my exH I would tell him time and time again that I didn't want sex because he took no interest in me whatsover at any other time. I told him that I needed occassional hugs and touches. He did try but every single time it had to end in sex and after that nothing.
In reality it wasn't about needing that physical interaction I needed confirmation that I was loved, respected. I wanted a little bit of romance.

Have you tried creating a more intimate situation over a restaurant meal or on a weekend away and discussing this with him?

Helennn, thanks for reply. I believe dh does have problems but there is no way that he will address them, literally end of story. I think it would do wonders for him but it's not to be. I am slowly rethinking lots of things, ie how to get help and support with the depression and coming to terms with the fact that he wont/cant help. Seriously we are at a very low point so even writing it down would not be an option. The best I want at the moment is for us to be in the same room/bed with the odd hug/kiss for good measure and then take it very, very slowly from there.

your posts have been very insightful, thank you. Any more ideas, thoughts keep them coming.

Chocky, thanks for reply. if you see my last post basically answers your question. We do go away now and again on our own and have a great time and loads of sex (i know tmi!) but yes it's probably like you, I want to know Im loved, respected and yes, I would love some romance. Have to go now, million children screaming for lunch! Will check in later

Wow, thos thread has hilighted something in my own relationship that I really didn't give any thought to before.

I am not a lovey dovey person, and rarely give hugs and kisses to my dh, unless asked for. He has never brought the issue up as a problem, but he does often make a point of saying 'have you given me a kiss today'and i supose I've never considered his feelings about it before.

Actually I get all annoyed when he asks, I can get quite huffy, When i'm loading the dishwasher the last thing on my mind is 'have I kissed him today'. And I know that sounds really bad, but it's not quite meant that way. I just mean I would rather reserve time to be affectionate than interupt something i'm doing just to give a little kiss or hug,

After reading this thread though I will most definitely make more of an effort. THanks for that, OP I shall try and stop being such so selfish.

I love these forums, you get an insight into how you may affect others without and get to see other povs which dh may not be able to articulate so well.

Feeling really guilty now maybe you should take a different approach, by asking him he may be feeling irritated or even smothered? THat;s how I sometimes feel. I feel much better about giving hugs if I dion't feel 'presured', by that I mean I would rather do it from the heart than instructed to, that just feels false andis something that doesn't come naturally to me.

But as I say, from now on I will be making a little extra effort