My husband doesn't find me sexy anymore

[Kittys07]

Hi I've gained lots of weight since dc birth now16 m. The other night when I asked why we never have sex he said its Cos he dosnt find me sexy anymore . Can this be put right again ? And anyone had the same happen them?

Is your husband George Clooney?

Thought not.

Is he some average bloke with shit for brains?

Thought so.

I suggest you start seeing him for the flawed flabby chap he is. And telling him so.

why do you want to put it right again? he sounds like an arse.

do you still find him 'sexy'? does he have a 'perfect' body? because he doesn't sound very attractive from here.

You have a baby aged justs 16 months, and he doesn't find you sexy. Sorry I know tit for tat is childish but Id have been tempted to say "I dont find you sexy these days either, but Im not shallow enough to only be concerned with physical appearance". If he's ignorant enough to even voice that, I dont see what you can do to fix anything, really. Apart from lose a load of weight in the hope he finds you sexy again. Thats if you feel like putting that kind of pressure on yourself, with a baby to look after too. He'd have to go to hell as far as Id be concerned, men like that wont necessarily fall in love with you again just because you've reduced back down to a size 10. Its his lack of respect for women and you in particular as his partner and a mother, that needs to be fixed. Good luck.

tell him to knock the porn on its head.

and explain that he can have a lot of fun with your 'new' body if he can just let go of his culturally conditioned ideas of what a sexy woman has to look like... you are his wife, the woman his chose to spend the rest of his life with. if he can't handle a few superficial changes with the way you look he doesn't deserve you, he can go back to wanking over barbie dolls...

that said, it may well be nothing to do with your weight. becoming a mother may ironically make you feel less sexy, and so less likely to express yourself sexually. go out dancing with him, show him you still got the moves...

hmmm, 16 months. maybe he's jealous your DC still gets first dibs on your breasts. if so, make space for him, don't fall for the cult of childhood. and get angry. how dare he say you're not sexy anymore! you gave him a fucking child! he needs to wake the fuck up.

Happy Birthday

Tell him you only fancy him because you haven't been to Specsavers - what a prick!

He only said that after I kept nagging him and he feels really bad, for it he's not an arse or twat

What a knob

Sigh

What MistressDeeCee said - and "Happy Birthday".

Happy Birthday was for OPohdear, unless it's yours as well, Kitty

I don't think some of the responses here are very helpful.

Written down in black and white, yes it looks bad. But I get the impression this confession was sort of blurted out during what was probably quite a tense conversation and now it can't be unsaid.

The harsh truth is that if my DP put on a lot of weight I would probably find him less sexy. I wouldn't love him any less - I adore him - but I wouldn't be turned on by him.

How much weight are we talking here? And is there any double standard? As in: is he in reasonable shape himself?

What I also meant to say was that I think if we're talking a big increase in weight and not just a couple of stone, then I think it's fair enough for him to have said something.

I would if my partner was putting on a lot of weight and not doing anything about it.

How much weight OP?

I do think you can fix the situation by losing weight. You have to be realistic that a bigger you might be a turn off for your DP. Whether that is right or wrong well I will leave that to others to debate..............

Way to go to boost your confidence, (not). It's natural for women to find their measurements alter after having a baby, even shoe size can change. Surely there's a difference between gaining extra weight and letting yourself go to the point your DH says you're not sexy.

Giving him for one moment the benefit of the doubt and assuming deep down he is simply worried about health repercussions, is he suggesting gym membership? A place offering a pool and sauna treatments with a crèche or is he offering free time to enable you to jog or take fitness classes to shape up while he takes charge of your 16 month old? (My recollection of having a toddler was I had far less time for little luxuries like exercise or manicures or unbroken beauty sleep).

If not then you know how much he is thinking of himself not you. If you have lots of positives in your marriage and this is out of character for him it might be justified for him to raise this but if not why wouldn't you find it harsh.

It depends on how much weight you've gained and how he went about telling you.

If you've gained an excessive amount of weight and he mentioned it in a concerned way, that's different than if you've just put on a bit of post-baby podge and he was having a go at you because you don't look like porn Barbie.

When is he looking after DS for a week so you can go to Champneys?

More seriously - don't you find each other sexy as a "package"? Mind, body and soul? Or, y'know, eyes, face, boobs, shoulder blades or whatever "quirky" bits of each other you like?

I've had it happen to me but the other way around. I no longer find my husband sexy. He's put on several stone in weight in the past 15 years. But, there's more to it than that. Something died in the 'baby years'. Kids now 8-12. I didn't address this when it started. I felt like it was my fault that I didn't fancy him any more. I was ashamed of how I felt. And I thought there'd be time later for such things but now I think it's probably too late.

I don't have he courage yet to tell him how I feel. We still have sex often and I hate it.

I am tall, slim and the same size and weight as when we met though he berates me now for being 'skinny'.

I wouldn't find someone who berated me for being skinny sexy either.

He hasn't said anything about my weight he says am perfect but when I asked if he still found me sexy he lied ( I know when he's lie) he's not a bad person . I have let my self go SO has he but please don't think he's. bad guy he's my hero

Oh am the op I name changed but forgot to do it oh well .

So what actually did he say to you OP? Sounds like you might have communication issues. It's a cliche but sexy is a state of mind, you both need to go beyond the superficial and get in touch with what sex with each other really means to you both. What I meant last night (apologies for drunken rant, must remember not to post pissed) is that you've given him a baby - that's by far the sexiest thing a woman can ever do for a man. Counselling can really help open up the channels of communication, which is the first step to rebuilding a healthy relationship. Top tip, try to find an existential psychotherapist - they rock! Good luck OP, it sounds like there's still a lot of love left in your home.

Thanks all for the birthday wishes, it was a good one but today was a bit rough... Damn this getting older business, I never used to get hangovers!