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Original poster

DH does not want sex

20 replies

PretzelPrincess · 23/04/2014 22:18

It's been months since we've DTD Hmm when I was pregnant I could understand I mean I was big and huge. Just after I had DS I could understand, I was sore and bleeding. I'm 7 weeks pp and had an easy delivery no stitches or tears and was only bleeding for a week or so. I also had a fairly easy pregnancy so have been pretty much up for it all the way through. I've backed off when DH has said he does not feel comfortable but nowwww?
I'm the one who's breastfeeding and tired and up every two hours. And I'm the one who's gone through labour and pushed a small human out of me. It's my body that's changed then changed again not his. AIBU to be annoyed? I asked him why yesterday and he said he's just lost his 'mojo'. What does that even mean?! He wouldn't explain further. He's very loving and caring and amazing in every way and we had a great sex life till this patch. I just don't get what's happening. Argh.

OP posts:
Bananasandnutella · 23/04/2014 22:48

Was this your first child?

Also has anything else with him changed personality-wise and how he is with you?

theyoniwayisnorthwards · 23/04/2014 22:52

We had this, although in our case it was both of us. It's often just the shock of a whole new lifestyle reverberating, things picked up gradually and eventually about a year after DS1 we were back to normal.

coffeetofunction · 23/04/2014 23:03

Often when you don't have it for a while you lose the feeling of wanting it...

Relax & try not making it a bad deal Blush

Original poster
PretzelPrincess · 24/04/2014 01:02

Yeah it's our first child and no he seems to be the same. More living in fact Confused
I've tried to relax and just cuddle/kiss in the hopes that it will lead onto something else when he's more comfortable but I just don't have the patience.
I guess I'm just in that stereotype mind frame that guys want it all the time and women don't especially around pregnancy/childbirth.
Also a year?! ShockShockShockShock

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 24/04/2014 01:08

Did he have a very religious/traditional upbringing? That can lead to a man being unable to regard the Sacred Mother of His Child as a sexual being.
He may also be frightened of impregnating you again (particularly if it was a difficult birth and/or you know you (as a couple) don't want any more children.)

OPohdear · 24/04/2014 01:16

and remember his testosterone levels have collapsed; a baby is like a hand grenade chucked into your sex life. give it time, and plenty of pressure-free intimacy like massages... and insist you both go to sleep naked, even if you're cosleeping.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/04/2014 08:35

Is it just sex that has disappeared? Are you still physically affectionate with each other? You mention cuddles and kisses.... is it you initiating this or are you spontaneously affectionate with each other? The thing to avoid is any hint of pressure or expectation.

BTW.... had the best sex of my life when pregnant. What you're dismissing as offputtingly 'big and huge' quite a lot of men relish as 'ripe and luscious'.... Hmm So maybe you should work out what, aside from pregnancy, happened a year ago? There are many reasons for people withdrawing from sex.... some more worrying than others.

Original poster
PretzelPrincess · 24/04/2014 10:05

No affection is initiated from both sides so that's not a problem. When I was pregnant he found the idea of having sex 'wrong' as the baby was just there. It was ok when I wasn't showing but as I got bigger and baby could move that's when he was put off. So maybe it wasn't my size necessarily.
And yeah he is q traditional and sees me as a mother and baby is in the same room so that is a bit awkward. I do understand all of his feelings but I want to be desired sexually as wel as respected/loved/cared for etc.
I'm q expressive physically with him and it's frustrating that I'm not able to do that now. I am a little worried there may be a bigger underlying reason but can't think of anything. I really think it's just the baby throwing off the dynamic of everything. Just want to know how to get it back?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/04/2014 10:13

You can't get anything 'back' from someone that doesn't want the same thing. All you can do is tell them that you miss the intimacy and you're worried that, if it carries on, things are going to deteriorate. Assuming he still sees you being together as a couple it's an opportunity to put the ball in his court how you're going to regain the intimacy in your relationship. 'Losing mojo' isn't really a good enough explanation.

OPohdear · 24/04/2014 12:42

Hmm, actually 'losing mojo' could be quite a good way of looking at it. I know I keep banging on about this but he's just lost up to half of his testosterone - and the more hands-on he is with the kids, the more he's gonna lose. Maybe he's worried about ED.

I know this will sound silly, but try doing stuff with him that subtly makes him feel more 'manly'... Puff up his ego a bit, tell him you had a great wank thinking about him, and don't ask strangers for directions when you're both lost (just kidding about that last one).

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/04/2014 13:10

Where are you coming from with this loss of testosterone thing? Hmm The problems started way before the baby arrived

OPohdear · 24/04/2014 13:49

No they didn't - he told her he felt weird having sex once he could feel the baby moving; that's unfortunately pretty common I think and not normally considered a problem. He 'lost his mojo' once the baby arrived, which is entirely consistent with losing up to half of his testosterone...

It's interesting to compare this situation with the other thread about a DH's lack of sex drive post-baby. In that thread, the DH appears to be blaming his DW for not being sexy enough. Here, the DH blames himself for 'losing his mojo'. If I was a woman, I'd know which kind of DH I'd rather have.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/04/2014 13:55

The OP said nothing about the baby moving, just that it was 'there'. Whether it's common or not is debatable but if the OP considers it a problem, then what's 'normal' is rather irrelevant. It's also irrelevant that he says 'lost mojo' and another blames his DW and you think one is preferable to the other ... Hmm Again, if the OP is upset at the chronic rejection, her feelings are legitimate. This is a problem which, if left unresolved, risks getting worse and not better.

I still don't understand the testosterone slump theory. Something you've read?

OPohdear · 24/04/2014 14:25

Why are we arguing about this Cogs?! Actually she did say 'as I got bigger and baby could move that's when he was put off'. I'm not sure if she felt this was a problem - she doesn't say she did, in fact she says, 'when I was pregnant I could understand'. Of course her feelings are legitimate, I never suggested they weren't! But comparing the two situations, I think this one is going to be easier to resolve.

The testosterone slump is not a theory, it just explains why the sex drive of many men goes down after a birth. (It also explains why some women find their DHs 'less manly' and may even not fancy them as much.) When I read that it just made a lot of sense, and I get the feeling that not enough people know about it. And it might be relevant here, even if there are no ED issues.

LittleBlueMouse · 24/04/2014 14:44

I have heard the testosterone slump theory before. Makes evolutionary sense I guess.

Maybe:
Testosterone slump
Fear of hurting you
Having seen the birth is now put off
Fear of future pregnancy
Anxiety around the extra responsibility
Anxiety about money and being up to the task of being a father
Tiredness
Madonna/whore complex

Could be any number of things, but saying he has lost his "mojo" is as good as telling you he isn't going to tell you the real reason.

Original poster
PretzelPrincess · 24/04/2014 18:38

You guys have come up with a lot of good points. I've been looking at it from my perspective and not from his tbh honest. I've never heard of the testosterone slump theory but it would explain a lot!
He says he still finds me attractive and sexy but I wouldn't blame him if he didn't at times. With a baby attached to one boob and a breast pump to another, hair unwashed and sick and poop down my pjs Confused In all fairness I haven't gained much weight and I'm overall happy with my appearance. I've been making an effort to be well dressed for my own sanity as much as his.
We have both become 'mummy' and 'daddy' which has changed the dynamic as that's all we seem to be known as. I think it's an accumulation of things and even though I know it's not me personally that he's out off by the rejection still hurts. I'm going to give him a little more time and then maybe talk to him again. We've even had 2 nights apart and I thought that would help but it didn't. Before the baby was here we had 2 nights apart and honestly we barely made it through the door and spent the next 3 days without clothes on. It was so intense. And I know relationships go through phases which I accept but I hope this is just a temporary dip...I refuse to accept this as my relationship Confused

OP posts:
OPohdear · 25/04/2014 01:27

Listen to him - even if you don't understand what the hell he's talking about. Try to build a space where you can be emotionally intimate with each other. I promise you he's not happy at all about losing his mojo - let him know you won't judge or ridicule him if he's open with you about his feelings. Before you know it the words (and probably a few tears) will come flooding out. And if that doesn't work, try therapy. It really does work wonders. As I just wrote on another thread, existential psychotherapy is amazing; it looks at the big issues - fear of death, loneliness, meaninglessness, 'freedom' - and reminds us what it really means to be human.

arsenaltilidie · 25/04/2014 08:43

Testosterone slump
Fear of hurting you
Having seen the birth is now put off
Fear of future pregnancy
Anxiety around the extra responsibility
Anxiety about money and being up to the task of being a father
Tiredness
Madonna/whore complex
Could be any number of things, but saying he has lost his "mojo" is as good as telling you he isn't going to tell you the real reason

Do someone women speak another language.
If it was any of the other reason then he would have said so himself.
OP I suggest he starts to exercise a bit more.
Go to the gym

SolidGoldBrass · 25/04/2014 23:05

Is it possible for you and H to spend a bit of time together doing 'adult' (but not sexual) things? How old is your baby - is it possible to leave her with a doting grandparent and go for a meal or see a film or something?

WildBill · 26/04/2014 00:21

Was your Husband there at the birth? not being funny but it can get gory and quite shocking for some men to see all the guts and gubbins. Takes a while to disconnect from these images. Try giving him head and you'll see if this is the issue, if he's eager for head then he's probably still alarmed at what went on at the Vag end during the birth.

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