Is this mad? am i mad?

[Littlebme12]

I posted here a couple of days ago about my current situation. I felt totally lost and a few things were pointed out in the replies i got and I felt i could start to tackle the issues. Huge part of this is my dp and his assurances that things we discuss that need to change on his part never come to anything. We had a huge talk about this and after me gaining some understanding into the role his upbringing may have had on this habit he has he has agreed to look into counselling. We also spoke about other silly issues around the house that build up and contribute to arguments. So all in i was feeling fairly confident we could work on stuff.

This might sound bizarre but my dp when washing up dishes doesn't clean them properly. Ie i will go to dry the dishes and they will still be greasy, dirty so i have to do them over.This has happened today, iv been at work hes just left for his shift and iv gone put the dishes he done away and had to do them over. As an isolated thing sure we all have probably done it now and again but this is constantly happening, including dc baby things. I thought it was because he hadn't lived alone before, he maybe didn't have set standards but we been thru all this 3 years of it. He then says he forgets to pay attention but seriously iv had to mention it so many times i think that's a pile of crap. This is not just about dishes or household things, it transfers to many aspects of our relationship. Am actually thinking im going mad getting so wound up but wtf is the problem or am i being a complete nightmare, going mad and need to get a grip? Badly needing some perspective please.

Have you considered drying up whilst he washes, then every single dirty item gets returned to him to wash immediately, until they are clean, it will take a longtime, but immediate feedback is far more effective than after the event nagging.

And the same goes for everything.

I am sorry you are having to teach this man housework, but it DOESNT come naturally to some people.

"Just wash the dishes yourself. It's women's work."

Possibly not what that poster intended, but in a roundabout way, she is right, this is what your dp is showing you. He is showing you that he is crap at doing dishes, because "you are making him do womens work".

Does he do any "mens work", then?

Thank you, I think if this is a control thing I think I need to prepare for the different ways in which he is doing it. The almost so subtle it seems ridiculous. He still says he has no knowledge of why he does this and part of me tends to believe him, but I also think someone can be controlling without really intending to or being aware that its controlling behaviour, but aslong as thy get the outcome they want. Does that make sense?

I got a fairly intimate text from him last night out of the blue, which considering that side of things is non existent I thought was strange and wondered at the motivation for it. Iv brushed it aside, not even going to pay attention to it.

Things are harder that rings true, iv said it a million times recently. He is a huge man child, not what i need.

x posted!

I have returned dishes to the sink and said you need to do those again a hundred times, he still does it.

I have straight out asked him if he does it because feels he shouldnt be doing this or doesnt want to. denies this is the reason. He doesnt know why, it transfers to other things though, things I have said no id rather this was done or for example my need for personal space - he tramples over that too, 'forgets' 'chances his luck' these are his responses.

Is it a respect thing? my family friends love him hes thoughtful at times is thought of well by most people. Respectful in other ways, who knows. I dont!!

Of course this is a respect thing.

You: I have told you that I need xyz

Him: Sorry I forgot

If it wasn't so serious it would be laughable.

What he should say is

Him: Yeah, I know but, well, I just don't care.

That would be honest.

Coming back to this thread after reading some other MN topics including Behaviour and Development. I think your reference to massive sulks and childish huffs made me remember your thread.

Bear with me - what struck me was this, DCs crave attention, and as we're told time and again here, if they don't get the "positive" attention (playing & reading with them etc) they misbehave to get our "negative" attention. So we're supposed to be making sure we're spending enough quality time with them.

I hope I don't give offence but your DP sounds like he is acting out like you are Mum and he's looking for attention.

.

No not at all! I have in the past said to him, a few times 'im not your mother' I cant remember what this was over now though but i remember feeling like he was another dc!

It might actually have something to do with it, as someone else pointed out on my other thread, his mum died through alcoholism and a lot of what he does seem to fit with classic problems seen in adults who have lived with alcoholics, hence the counselling. I sent him a few links to things and he recognised that he fits the bill so to speak and has made an appointment with gp about it. Im stepping back from it, watching and waiting. Lots of issues there i think.