I can understand why your exh hit you

[PrudenceH]

This was said by someone I am no longer with but it makes me question was I that bad and horrible that I deserved to be punched in the head?

He is dead now, suicide but it stays with me that he thought it was ok for me to be hit.

I love him so much but recalling this bit makes me not like him so much

no, you were not "that bad"

even if you WERE that "bad", he shouldn't have abused you - he chose that behaviour.

Victim blaming is so rife, it's almost default position for a lot of people.

I'm sorry they said that to you - NOone deserves to be punched in the head.

Prudence, as Lewis has said, no, you did not deserve to be hit in the head, or anywhere else, for that matter.

Unless you were about to stab/shoot him, or take him down with some magical ninja move, and it was purely self-defence.

But somehow I doubt that was the case.

I'm a little confused. Who is the 'someone I am no longer with' who made this offensive remark? And who is it you 'love so much'? Not the same person, surely?

Have you ever had counselling relating to the abuse you suffered?

I heard those words once too. It is utterly devastating to hear. You begin the question yourself and wonder if there really is something wrong with you, that you are incapable of having a normal relationship - that it really was your fault.

I would say that most of us who suffer abuse in relationships are on the cusp of believing the perpetrator when they say it is our fault they shout or hit. To have that backed up by another person can easily send you over the edge.

Society says it is always wrong to hit (that is what we teach our children) yet someone feels they are able to tell you that you deserve it. it says to you that you are somehow lesser than other people. That in those circumstances, you did something wrong and it was understandable that you would get hit in response.

You need to be very clear that you did not deserve it and this obviously troubled person was out of order when he said it. Maybe you loved him, but he didn't love you (at that time).

I am sorry he died though. it can be hard to reconcile our feelings for someone when they are not here.

Of course it was not ok for you to be hit.

And tbh,if anyone said that to me, I would not take much notice of anything they said from there on in.

Sorry for your loss. Agree this makes everything more difficult.

Some people will try to justify anything and it usually means they're trying to convince themselves of something rather than anyone else. In what context did your ex say this OP?

Don't let the fact that he's now dead make you feel you can't dismiss what he said as ridiculous.

Saying that to you makes him a truly awful person. Dead or not.

You can dislike him. He deserves nothing more tbh.

Love yourself and forget him.

No it just means you met a verbally abusive man after the physically abusive one :(

I hope you are in a happier place now.

And you need to focus more on why you dwell on this - your self esteem seems at an all time low if you seriously consider it a possibility that it's acceptable for someone to hit you.

Prudence, this was said by someone who is part of the problem.

Abusers are supported and helped by people who are willing to blame their victims. You were with an abuser, because his behaviour was facilitated and succoured by the sort of people who said that to you.

You can give yourself permission to think he was part of the problem, him being dead doesn't alter that.

That kind of "understanding" says more about the person saying it than about you.

If he can understand it, it means that he's also capable of doing the same. He's bad news.

Oh god, I've had that too - he never hit anyone else he was with so it must have been my fault :( horrible to hear.

Years ago after i had left my abusive ex I overheard my dad saying 'well you know she can be quite provocative sometimes'. I love my dad but it's been 13 years and those words are still ringing in my head. I'm sorry you've had to hear something similar but I can't stress enough that this is NOT TRUE. Nobody deserves to abused and it was in no way your fault!

Punched in the head, no you weren't bad and horrible enough to deserve that. It may have stuck with you but was it said in temper, did he often come out with appalling comments? OP whatever the context, he was out of order. People say the oddest things.

Your late friend must have said many other things to merit being a friend; as aujordoie asks, why dwell now on that plainly erroneous remark? Put it out of your mind.