What do you do when ex spreads lies about you?

[JanuaryKat]

I know I should ignore, but it's getting beyond the joke.

H is telling people that I am a crap mother, I have made a mess of my DCs lives.
I havent, I dont even tell DCs what I think of h.

But he is now accusing me of taking drugs - I have only taken perscription drugs & admit to having an occassional glass of wine, I gave up smoking 3yrs ago.

I've also been having an affair for the past c
ouple of years (I wish).

The accusations are getting me down. Any ideas on how to cope with it?

Remember that he is now your EX. He is an EX for a reason. You no longer need to be brought down by his crap. It will affect you so long as you let it.

Hold your head high and ignore. He will run out of breath soon enough and people stop listening after a while they end up just seeing him as bitter and twisted.

When people say 'He's said this & that about you' just reply ' really? And do you believe him?' This tends to shut folk up pretty fast IME.

The more you bite back and defend yourself the more he will do it OP.

Id try and rise above it. Im assuming he isn't reasonable enough to discuss this with? Or if its completely unbearable get to a lawyer/community police and see if they can send a letter/ pay a visit warning him to shut it, depends on whether he actually has any respect for authority and whether there's likely to be any backlash on you. This is where big brothers/ cousins etc come in handy!

Seriously though if the people that love and matter to you know the truth thats the most important thing. He will get bored eventually and if folk believe his lies more fool them.

My stbxh has come up with all manner of complete bullshit and spread it to anyone who will listen. It's so hard to rise above and ignore it, I know exactly how you feel. He even had some friend of his texting me abuse after he created a story about me keeping him from seeing our DC (I'm not, the only person keeping him from them is him). His accusations are completely unfounded but they still hurt.
I'm trying to ignore ignore ignore. That's the best advice I can give, and I get that there are times when you just want to scream, I know I do.
The people who really know you will know better than to believe his crap, if that's any consolation. I'm just hoping mine will run out of steam..but it's only been two months.
How long have you been separated?

I agree with funnyfoot.

It's so hard at times but I always try and have at the forefront to maintain my dignity.

Your H will show himself up for the idiot he is if he continues to spread lies and those who believe the gossip don't deserve to be in your life.

He is low to do that, you are a better person and if these people are feeding this back to you with a morbid desire to have some further 'he said, she said' gossip then do you really need them in your life?

Stay strong.

If all else fails, when I heard my MIL was spreading gossip about my marriage and her twisted take on it to justify her cheating son's actions, I threatened to start proceedings for slander - I've heard nothing more

I've been wondering how you're doing: sorry to read you're putting up with a fresh new wave of rubbish.

Others are right. Ignore. Let him make a tit of himself to everyone. x

Tell people he's trying to get his retaliation in first because he's afraid you'll tell people about his issues in the trouser department. Refuse to be specific.

'Yes - I've heard that he's working desperately hard to make sure I'm a cross between Hitler and Pol Pot at the moment. From what I've heard it's a pretty normal reaction to feeling guilty and I'm sure he'll calm down soon.'

What KissesBreakingWave said!

How are the accusations being made and to whom? Are they likely to have a serious impact on you personally in your community or workplace? Petty backbiting or malicious gossip you can rise above as others have said but if he is operating a deliberate campaign of blackening your name, if you have evidence and if it could lead you to, say, losing your job or something else significant, then I would consider involving the police.

Hi op

Be aware that not everyone believes all this when they are told, you have to give some people credit for spotting a bullshitting twat when they see one, even if they don't say it to his face.

This is just another step on the freedom ladder, you will endure, this is your time now don't waste another thought on him.

Hi, thanks for the advice.
I am trying to ignore him but worried. Sorry, back later, little ds is hanging off my neck.

People make their own minds up, ex can reel off a bunch of lies but with any luck normal rational listeners will think he's bitter and twisted or they'll know you well enough to disbelieve any rubbish he spouts.

The only way to get through this idiocy is to rise above it.

PS If you were having an affair you could get your boyfriend to punch his lights out but as ex is mouthing off, this immediately shows him up to be a liar doesn't it!

Laugh and say 'is that the best he come up with?'

My ex did the same and it was years (and counting, although a little less so now) of hell.

And I sympathise with you because people are stupid sometimes - they listen to the one doing the talking, putting the bad PR out, people like gossip - Fact. The squeaky wheel tends to get the oil (ie the attention.)

What I can tell you has changed over the years is that with a lack of information about me, he has literally run out of things to say. He has exhausted himself. And after a while I'm pretty certain people were bored of hearing about the same stuff over again.

I hoped that when they saw that I had nothing but kind and dignified things to say about him that they would realise the stark contrast of our reactions, but if I've learnt anything it's that people like drama.

So many people told me to "rise above it," which is a good way of coping with it in your own head. But rising above it IME doesn't make anyone side with you over a name-blackening ex more than normal.

I've been through this OP and it is desperately hard to ignore it. I had 10 months of vicious abuse, which reduced me to tears and basically controlled me. Even though I knew he was saying all sorts of crap, none of it true, it still cut me. I did learn to ignore it in the end, and delete texts before reading them, I also stopped replying to any of them. He got bored and gave up. I seem to be the punching bag when his life is a struggle. We've been apart for a decade! Stay strong if you can.

As much as responses like "and do you believe him?" and "is that the best he could come up with?" are great - they rely on one of these people coming up to you and telling you what he has said, which virtually NEVER happens.

What normally happens is these people stop calling you or texting or wanting to see you without an explanation. You wonder why and you worry it could be because of the lies your ex has spread about you.

You consider writing emails starting "Just incase the reason you're not in touch is because X told you that I was XYZ, I just want to explain that it is a lie and...." Then you bin the draft and resolve to "rise above it" again.

It is a living hell OP. No doubt.

You could sue for slander, that would give the gossips something better to talk about

Sorry, I don't think that helped.

He must be desperate to sink to this. Maybe you are stronger than you think and he is at his limit.

Ignore it and maintain dignity!! My ex told social workers I was runnin a brothel. They came out to inspect my house. He spread the lie to my neighbours too. They knew me well enough that it wasn't an issue.

Hold your head up and smile. Clearly he isn't worthy of headspace x

My EX is still lying about me after 6 years - he makes a big song and dance about how I stole all his money (hahaha) and that's why he has to live with his parents. Conveniently forgetting I have offered him money for his share of our home (he's refused to agree a figure) and he hasn't paid a penny for our DC in the 6 years since we split.

All i've done is try and rise above it, but it's difficult and I do wonder why I bothered! Especially considering he was physically and emotionally abusive, and beat up a man once (after we'd split) just for talking to me. But I don't tell people about all that, even though it's true.

Please, please, please don't sue for slander OP. It only enriches the lawyers, and while you can do it yòurself the judge will probably only award you a couple of grand tops. Then you'd need a bankruptcy order to get it out of the twat.

You could try for an injunction, with a power of arrest attached, under the Protection from Harassment Act; you can do that in your local County Court for £150 IIRC. Be warned: if he's like the pillock I took action against he will go nuts all the way up the courthouse steps.

Courage, whatever you decide.

I'm having problems with little ds at the moment, he wants to be with me all the time but is also hitting & kicking people, objects, everything.

I appreciate all & any advice. Was worried about h telling lies in an attempt to get custody of dcs. He wouldn't actually care for them himself if that happened, he would pay someone to do it. Because that was how he was brought up (& of course he is the most perfect being on the planet). Brought up by 'staff' & thensent to boarding school at 8.

I will come back when ds more settled. He's been lashing out a lot - my shins are covered in bruises, hair pulling, screaming if I leave the room. He covers his ears with his hands a lot also.
H has said his behaviour due to me giving him calpol when he was a baby ( his temp was over 100), and so much more rubbish. It is exhausting.

Have just realised I might have seen other threads of yours was your DS away recently with his father? My advice fwiw still stands but if I were you I'd see your GP about getting some advice - I want to say clinical counselling but DS is so young - but he must have felt confused and upset and is now acting up for you now he is back home.