Advice on getting over chronic low self esteem?

[marina777]

I am not sure if this is the right place to post a self help question but I need some help on how to change my life, or myself.

I am in my mid 30's and in some regards my life is good. I have a lovely man for a partner (no children), who I love but I have terrible issues with self esteem and a total lack of motivation. I graduated from with a 1st class degree but quickly after leaving I lost my confidence and while I still have a lot of ideas of things I'd like to do but I tend to rubbish them all before I even get started on them.

I have probably always struggled with self haterd to some extent, I always feel other people are smarter, better looking, more talented than me. My mind is pretty much a constant flow of negative self talk, rumination about the past and the mistakes I have made, regret and worry about how other people judge me.

As a result of this state of mental torture I have variously escaped into fantasy(i.e. that a prince charming will come and magic my life better), comfort eating, shopping, and exessive internet use and in the process frittered away 10 years of my life and am now 6 stone overweight, unemployed, with chronic health issues and going nowhere.

I would not say I am depressed as such but I am stuck in a rut and have unhealthy thought patterens and behaviours. In moments of clarity I can see how I am and how I need to stop with the negative self talk and to be more assertive, to think about what I want rather than worry about how others think of me but its easier said than done. In fact it is very difficult to change.

I can't afford therapy and I'm not ill enought to get it on the NHS. Perhaps a self help book?

Any advice on how to get out of this would be brilliant. I have got to the point where I don't even know what I want anymore I feel like a big empty space.

Do some reading up about cognitive behavioural therapy or mindfulness. I'm guessing that instead of rose-tinted glasses you've got grey-tinted glasses on. If you are looking at a situation or comment with your 'grey-tinted' glasses, you pick out and dwell on a negative interpretation of it. It isn't necessarily the truth of the situation, it's how you are interpreting it. With practice you can learn techniques to nip this in the bud before you get into a negative thinking spiral.
Do you work? Or have any routine/ hobbies?

Thank you for your reply, I don't work at the moment due to health issues to be honest I believe my mental state has a strong impact on my health and if I could improve that I would feel better all round.

I don't have a great routine at all often up very late and in bed most of the day. I like to read and I like art but I don't do it much

I know for sure that your mental state will affect your health in general, it makes pain feel worse, it leads you into a cycle of inactivity which can worsen your health.
What are your skills, strong points, abilities?
I would suggest seeking out some voluntary work if your health allows it, which would give you some structure and purpose to your week, something 'external' to focus on and talk about rather than having so much time to dwell on things. You can start small, whatever you can cope with, and build yourself up. Whether it's a one to one role, behind the scenes, sitting down, dealing with the public, The people/ service you volunteer with will be hugely grateful fir your support, win-win.

What would you make of something like that?

Sorry but if you were a man you'd be told to get off your back side and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Stop fantasying about being rich and
Get a job, go on a diet (2 Day fast) and join a gym,

Stop procrastinating about things and start the diet tomorrow.
Spend your whole day looking for jobs.

Wake up 0800, clean your house and go for a walk.

Come back to look for some more jobs.

Apply jobs graduate entry jobs and make up a reason why you haven't worked for the last 10 years. Travelling, caring, etc...

The important thing is stop feeling sorry for yourself.

I think you could possibly be suffering from mild depression and it might be worth having a chat with the doctor. Tatyr hit the nail on the head with cognitive behavioural therapy. It tries to help you change your own thought patterns into more positive ones which can really change your life.... I found it amazing. As said before, voluntary work is a good place to start to give you a bit of focus in life and undertaking some form of exercise can increase serotonin which improves mood. Try to achieve one small thing a day to make you feel a bit better about yourself. Try and surround yourself with positive people and please stop judging yourself against everyone else. We are all different with a variety of skills and weaknesses which we can all learn from. Getting up late and staying in bed could be a sign of mild depression or it could certainly lead to it. Make that doctors appointment, while you are there ask about CB Therapy and if you can't get it on the NHS perhaps the doctor or library may know of an organisation who does it at a reasonable rate.

Arsenal what a nasty unhelpful post, especially your last line.

OP you sound depressed - have you asked for any help from your GP in the last ten years?

The magical, mythical cure is administered by arsenal, quick arsenal hurry up and patent your cure of 'stop feeling sorry for yourself' because having discovered the holy grail, this time next year you'll be a millionaire!

Sorry if it sounds harsh but it's the truth.

Stop being lazy, if you want to art, then nothing is stopping you to art.

OP need to push herself find CBT therapy (cost £ when she doesnt work), volunteer (transport?) does not help at all.
A clever capable person not working for 10 years will be depressing, and the first step is to find a job.
Being overweight has a toll on confidence so next step is to lose weight.

Once the OP gets into that positive cycle things will change, then she can afford CBT, buy her own things, etc.

So sorry if it sounds harsh, but that's life.

I think you should go to the doctor and tell them how you feel. Tell them you'd like to see a counsellor. A friend of mine has been prescribed with a course of talking therapy (including CBT) on the NHS and it has done her wonders. She's not "ill" either - she still goes to work and functions day to day, but they gave her it to help with her life.

If you can't get that, then look for CBT books in the library - you can also try this website happify which is basically free CBT online.

Have you watched the TV series "my mad fat diary"? I know it sounds silly, but she sees a therapist and in the last episode there's a moving scene where he gives her a technique to start liking herself that I know a lot of viewers found meaningful. Both series are free on 4OD and they are a great watch. She's a teenager in the 90s too so you'll probably identify with her if you're in your mid 30s!

You have to learn to stop the negative self talk - if ever I feel anything like that I've become adept at stopping it in its tracks and its done me the world of good. You can learn to do that too.

You will get better. Things will get better.

Hi OP, I've been exactly where you are right now, although for very different reasons. When I sought help, the advice that I was given was to take a multifaceted approach to healing. The more things you choose to do, the more healing will occur and at a faster rate.

Two years ago, I hit an emotional rock bottom because of a life threatening condition. The physical aspects of the condition were dealt with, but the grief and emotional turmoil struck me awfully. Like you, I have negative thoughts going around in my head all the time, and they still get the better of me sometimes.

Anyway regarding help, there have been many really good suggestions on this thread. Please see you GP, and see if they can refer to to counselling. A good councelor can be of enormous help.

Also you might see if you can volunteer to work for a charity once a week - they are always keen to have people work for them. This will get you out of the house and doing something productive and will help your self esteem.

If there is some sort of support group you can join, I would also suggest looking them up and finding out when you can attend. My particular support group was a life line when I was feeling really bad, and the empathy they had for my situation gave me a really good outlet to talk about my feelings.

Lastly, there are many books on self esteem, but don't go for the "Raise your self esteem in 5 minutes" type of book. I found "The Six Pillars of Self Esteem" by Nathaniel Branden exceptional. The author gives you simple exercises to do each day which have a gradual and sustained affect on improving your self esteem.

Hope this helps.

I think a trip to the GP is probably in order because you're going to need a little help getting started and that might involve medication or counselling or CBT or some combination of all of them. There are psychiatric services available although you may have to be persistent. When you're as down as you describe every task seems like a huge mountain to climb and the result is that you end up doing nothing and feeling like a failure.

Was there something in your upbringing that means you have very high (impossible) standards? You mention getting a 1st and I've met one or two people who peaked in formal education and feel they are never achieving their full potential subsequently. Real life doesn't award them grades.

Generally, I think a good way to find confidence & self-esteem is to set yourself a series of challenges - starting very small - and get a sense of achievement when you meet them. It's a gradual process that helps you change that internal dialogue from 'I'm such a failure' to 'look what I did'. Losing weight is a very off-putting task, for example, but deciding you'll go for a short walk every day is do-able and therefore something you can feel in control of.

What are the ideas that you have that you tend to rubbish? Maybe you could break one of those down to small and achievable sub-tasks?

Just posting to read later. . I have I'll heath and low self esteem and I'm sure my mental and physical health are connected. I've also developed an eating disorder and all 3 impact on each other.

You're not alone, Marina. I could be you, except I peaked in high school, but managed to fail dismally at University. I didn't get as far as you! Cog asked what or who might have been in your upbringing to lead you to set theses impossible standards. What were your parents like? Difficult to please?

Gosh read the thread through and in some ways you could be me. I'm very overweight. I've been to a support group for eating disorders which made me realise how much was psychological and my constant attempts to diet were setting up for failure. I've got two degrees - one a first and other oxbridge, yet life's been one long failure it seems.

I think a lot of my issues stem from a very disfunctional childhood and a string of difficult events as an adult. I've moved a lot and don't have a great support network which in turn make current difficulties harder.

I have chronic fatigue for which advice is often to rest, but I know it's sometimes my depression making my fatigue worse.

I've got a drs appointment tomorrow but how on earth do you express problems with chronic fatigue/eating disorder/depression/screwed up brain due to family background/stint in intensive care.

I've no idea how to express it or even which problem o start on first. I think the self esteem/mental bits are the root of it all but not sure that's where they start. I'd qyite like long term counseling/psychologist rather than 6 sessions that can be superficial.

I understand how you feel. I've been in this state of mind many times. There are some good suggestions above from some very wise people for long-term ways to fix anything underlying, but I wanted to suggest a couple of short-term ideas.

Go to Amazon and buy The Creative License by Danny Gregory. It will get you making art again. Never stop drawing. Draw cartoons about your life and about what you want to change. Even if they're quick and sketchy. Draw the gremlin that sits in your head and says negative things to you.

The boring bit: throw away your bread products and buy a bag of apples instead; take iron tablets; drink water. I know: zzzzz. You'll feel better quickly, though. Not totally better, but better as in starting to turn things around. Finding the turning-point is the hard bit, then it all gets better from there. x