Those who are in low contact with parents...

[MillyMollyMandy78]

I am currently NC with my parents and have been for almost a year. Mother is a narc and dad, her enabler always sstands by her 100% and makes excuses. Basically just got tired of all the drama.

Cut my mum out and dad took her side. Anyway, have recently come back from a family wedding where everything was pleasant enough (an act by mum for everyone elses benefit), we made some minimal small talk and all ok. That's fine by me as don't feel any emotional bond for them anyway.

Basically, this is really hard on my brother and some other relatives, who mean well but feel upset/ stressed about my dad's tears and pity party about everything.

I know some people will disagree but I am thinking of shifting from NC to LC but want to think carefully before i do anything about it.

So if you are in minimal contact, how does it work for you? How do you maintain your boundaries to avoid them bulldozing their way into your lives again. What contact, and how often, do you actually have? I don't mind special occasions, and a vey occasional phonecall etc but will not be spending time alone in their company, go back to our weekly phonecalls, or staying with them (i live far away from them so all visits used to be over the entire weekend. I currently stay with my DS or DB.

Bump ... Anyone?

I want to give helpful advice, but I have been in and out of NC/LC for years, ending up outright NC because my mother isn't very nice and I have peace in my head when we're NC.

To keep boundaries, I'd suggest always meeting on neutral territory. You don't have to bow to their rules because you're in their house, and if they're horrible to you in your own house, no amount of leaving the windows open and trying to fan the bad vibes out with a tea towel afterwards will work.

I hope it works out for you. I'd prefer to be LC with mine, but it would only work if I weren't the spawn of a nightmare.

How do you avoid anyone bulldozing you? You say 'no'. With family it's slightly different as there are certain expectations and with difficult people like your mother, they tend to be quite persistent and get a bit nasty when stood up to. But stand up you must. The trick to LC is to not really care what others think, including your parents, and to stay in control of the contact at all times. If you don't live nearby that's a good start. If you are happy to see them on special occasions and have the odd phone-call then that's something you can easily control.

I don't actually agree with neutral territory. In fact, I find it much easier to meet up in my house simply because I feel more confident on home turf

I used to agree wholeheartedly on the home turf thing until my mother's last visit: she was so spectacularly foul to me last time she was here that she's no longer welcome, and I prefer to keep home as a sanctuary of calm and kindness that I can come back to to clear my head. My mother used to designate my house as a convenient family meeting-point, install herself on the sofa and then dish out harsh judgements from it, and this house is meant to be for nice people and good vibes.

(I also work on the theory that she's better behaved in public. Or she might be if I could bring myself to see her.)

I would think very carefully about it. I have been NC but have recently gone LC in order to try and get inbetween my parents and my grandma as they are now being horrible to her. It is difficult.

My bf is really very good at pointing out how my mum constantly and subtly undermines me with my dc and when they are both being unreasonable and so he's good to have around when she's there. But I really struggle. I'm possibly just not strong enough to cope, the rest of the family think they have good intentions and that's what should matter and that I have a personality they find difficult so should make an effort to fix things with them so I often feel quite under pressure.

I'm definitely much happier when I'm NC but the seem to wheedle into LC every once in a while, build my hopes up and then wreck things again. They genuinely don't seem to understand what they are doing and genuinely seem sad but they're just so toxic.

Thank you for the replies. I wanted to consider all aspects before i rushed into something i may later regret. If it wasn't for things with my db i would be completely happy staying NC.

It does make it easier living further away, so they can't just pop by etc. The only problem is that they know i always go to visit for the whole weekend, so even if i just met up for a few hours they would know where I was staying etc, so would possibly pile on the pressure. It also means that in the past I would stay with them the whole weekend, which was part of the problem as it was just too long in an awful, tense environment.

Cognito - i know what you mean about meeting on your own turf. My parents have only bothered visiting my once (dad twice), in the last eight years, but mum was definately much better in my home than hers. However, since going NC i feel like I wouldn't want her here, 'tainting' my home with her nasty, miserable vibes. I am due to move house shortly and definately want to keep the new as a safe haven, so if i did meet I would keep to neutral territory (though i know they would keep pushing to meet at their place, stay over etc). Does anyone have any tips on not letting them bulldose over your boundaries. how do you not get swept along with just giving a bit more? On paper, i know what i would be willing to do/ not do, but i fear it may be different when they lay on the usual emotional blackmail.

I'm afraid I don't believe in 'vibes'. If someone is in my house being offensive, they get asked to leave. Doesn't ruin my home in the slightest. That's also my response to people bulldozing boundaries. The more they push, the firmer my heels dig in and the cooler I get towards them. Being swept along or responding to emotional blackmail rather relies on you wanting to appear pleasant and I'm long past caring whether others think I'm unpleasant. In fact, I think it's almost impossible to be assertive, stand up for yourself or have opinions if you're worried about pleasing others. Works for me. :)

cognito, you sound very strong! I have come a long way in the last year, and can say much of the right words (if someone doesn't like it, it is 'their problem'). But I then worry about it on my own and no matter what i tell other people, I care too much about what other people think and still want to be seen as the 'nice guy'. Need to work on that!

As long as you say the right words in public, it really doesn't matter if you worry or care in private. No-one needs to know.

For me, having luckily had very little exposure to toxic people in my life, it's not so much 'wanting to be seen as the nice guy' as genuinely being accustomed to harmonious interactions - give and take - so it doesn't come naturally to not 'cut someone a little slack'. Takes a couple of experiences, usually, for someone to lose their 'slack-cut' privileges!

Tons of sympathy here OP. I am very low contact with my parents (both narcs). I see them 1-2 times a year and have text contact a few times a month. I don't speak to them on the phone any more as I find that much more difficult to control. They came to visit 2 weeks ago and that was the first time I'd seen them in 9 months. I feel like I 'should' want to see them more often but I honestly truly don't.

After 4 years of therapy (ongoing), I'm finally starting to stand up to them. It feels good but I do have moments of intense guilt. That's the way you're conditioned when you have abusive parents and it takes a lot of undoing.

I agree with Cogito. Be very careful about giving them too much slack. You need to protect yourself and put your own needs first here. Not caring what they think of you is much easier said than done, I know but it really is the path to sanity. Take care of yourself.

I am lc and have two bros and live 4hours away.

I never stay and never ring. The only time I ring is when I go visit. I also set the time, place and duration. I also will never go alone.

Where I am different is tha my bro understand why and they don't tell her I'm coming. So if I don't see her it's ok.

Maybe you need to talk to them about being more supportive of your decision amd stop putting pressure on you.

'Maybe you need to talk to them about being more supportive of your decision amd stop putting pressure on you'

I would tread carefully here. OP, do you think they would actually be capable of hearing you and genuinely being supportive of you? Or would it just turn into another 'woe is me' session which will leave you feeling horrendous? I gave up negotiating, explaining, trying to compromise, asking them for anything ages ago - my lot are totally incapable of hearing or seeing me or allowing me to have any feelings or needs whatsoever. It's horribly painful but also quite liberating to see them for who they really are.

" Not caring what they think of you is much easier said than done"

Not caring is almost impossible if you're a decent human being with normal levels of compassion. Not being seen to care is a far easier thing to pull off.

Youre' right Cogito, that's an important distinction.

I'm sidetracking a little here.... I was a very shy kid so my parents enrolled me in a drama group to bring me out of myself. (It was the 70's - brutal) However, what I learned at an early age is that, provided there is a smile on your face and you don't fall over in a dead faint, no-one has a clue that you're frightened to death.

So when the OP says that I 'sound strong' that's the trick. Sounding strong to others. I've even been told to my face that I can be quite formidable and intimidating. (I am working up to 'battle-axe' and then I can die happy. ) What no-one knows is that I'm still a big fat people-pleaser but hiding it jolly well. :)

In short "Fake it until you make it."

I think, quite simply, if you move from NC to LC for someone else, rather than because the relationship is mended, it is always going to be hard. I am LC with my parents, having been NC, basically so that DC know them.

I have to be honest and say that now that we are LC, I find her less intrusive, as when we were NC, there was a barrier for her to break down and she saw it as a challenge. She would not let alone and she played lots of mind games like turning up at the house unexpectedly and sending letters to the DC and so on. Whereas now, she can call if she wishes, I will take DC 2 - 3 times a year, I occasionally send something in the post, and she seems to leave me alone now.

But the thing is not to fall into thinking that this minimal interaction is the basis, or the beginning of, any more normal kind of interaction, it is not. There is always something which happens which reminds me why I went NC. Any contact also reminds me of what is not there too, that is, that there is no emotional connection and no love.

I am practicing being the person who doesn't care.

BTW, I am another neutral ground person; if I have been physically or emotionally abused by someone in my own house, they don't get back in.

On saying no, I have practiced this more with my ex, who is from a similar mould to my mother. And it is just practice. I've stood there shaking and repeated the no four or five times; they eventually have to stop asking. Or you simply put up your hand and say, I have said no, stop asking me. Don't start explaining why you are saying no; that gives them an in with the emotional blackmail.

Sorry, her is my mother in the second paragraph!

Hmmm, lots of food for thought here. Basically what i knew really, that i need to be vey cautious before deciding to let them back into my life, even just a tiny bit. That's what i am reluctant about, the risk that if i go lc i am opening pandora's box and risk undoing some of the progress of the last year.

I like the distinction between caring and actually being seen to care. A very important point! I am the oldest and have a brother and sister. My sister is very supportive and switches between NC for months at a time and then going LC for a while. She has told me that she wishes she was 'strong' like me and could stay NC, but the guilt sucks her back in each time. I always thought i got on well with both my siblings, but my brother does not understand what i am doing at all! And no, he wasn't the golden child, both parents have treated him like shit in the past! He has only mentioned me making things up twice: once at Christmas, and last week when he got tipsy at his wedding, so he doesn't pile the pressure on exactly, but i just always feel it is there, left unsaid, whenever i see him.

He feels completely sorry for dad, who cries about how heartbroken he is over my NC (even tho it was dad who cut ME out, when i refused to toe the line with mum). My brother has heard it from both sides, but it as if he can't hear what i say at all! Eg my dad is an adult and made his own choices, if he wants to fix things i clearly told them how i expect to be treated ie no abuse or threats, but that is obviously asking too much cos neither him or mum have made any effort to patch things up (not even the hoovering, or lies that i expected from them). From the minute they knew i wasn't going to back down, they dropped me like a hot potato.

DB just sees my dad as the victim in all this: married to this horrid, spiteful woman (HIS choice) and now no contact with his daughter (again HIS choice)! It drives me mad!

I think the point is that your brother does not necessarily need to understand or to fix things. So if you want to maintain NC, then you can be clear that, although he means well, it is not his problem to fix. He needs to learn some boundaries with your dad though too, and tell your dad it is not his problem to fix too.

To be honest, it sounds like staying NC until you feel LC is your decision is the best strategy; especially if you recognise progress in your own wellbeing. That is really your focus.

I have two siblings and one has very little contact with me as she is the golden child, and the other is also LC, but our sibling relationship is now sufficiently advanced for us to be beyond constantly talking about the parents.

I have very little to do with my parents. I get on fine with them but they're life sucking people. I'm happy just seeing them a couple of times a year.

It's a relief to find others who are LC. My problems lie with my mum's spectacularly selfish behaviour during a very traumatic time when I was growing up. She is still quite demanding but emotionally cold. Seeing her too much makes me angry for the damage she caused so I do the minimum so the kids have a grandma. I see her around 4 times a year and call once a month.

It's possible to maintain it but there has to be a sort of tacit understanding of how it's going to work. This is probably harder for you because you're going from NC. You don't want your parents to think this is some big reconciliation but rather you accepting that there will be occasions when you see each other. I'd say keep it polite and brief and definitely start by not seeing them alone - maybe birthdays and family occasions. Good luck!