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Original poster

Feel isolated, have no close friends

19 replies

rosieflower · 22/04/2014 20:46

I am feeling really down and isolated because I don't really have any close friends. I used to have a few good friends growing up. I was never the most popular person in school but I always had about 4 female friends who I could go out with and confide in.

I am now 27 and most of the friends I have through school or university have drifted away over the years and I am left with nobody but my family and other half to rely on. I don't want it to be like this :( I feel like I could be a really good friend if I had the chance.

I stay in touch with some of my uni friends through Facebook but these friendships are quite superficial - a 'how are you' now and again but they never really want to meet up or see me, despite me trying to arrange things. I seem to get on well with people and they do like me, it's just that most women my age already have a close network of female friends and aren't really interested in maintaining a new friendship. I have some male friends but it's not the same. Some of them have also let me down a bit because they have ended up being slightly pervy/coming on to me and I felt that they only spoke to me because they felt like they could get something else out of it. It's a horrible feeling and has affected my trust a bit :(

My best female friend from childhood has nothing to do with me now either, which makes me sad. We were friends from the age of 10 to 20...and when she got her first boyfriend, I suddenly wasn't allowed to come out with them and she was always really paranoid, wanting me to leave if he came near us. She actually told me to "go away" in a nightclub once which was hurtful. I really don't know why she was like that - I have never 'stolen' anyone's partner and I am usually happy in a relationship of my own but she has this irrational behaviour that comes on whenever her boyfriend is in the vicinity.

I would really like to join social groups to meet new people but I am quite a shy person so the thought of going to something alone terrifies me! I thought I might meet new people through my work, but all the people in my workplace are 40+ and aren't really interested. I have lots of interests (books, acting, writing, cinema, running) and I suppose I could join these types of groups in my area but it's tough for someone who isn't loud and confident.

I sometimes wish I was back at uni because there was so much more opportunity to go out and meet people around my age there. It just gets so hard to meet friends when you're above school/uni age because most people have friends already. I just hate feeling so isolated :( I would love a female friend to chat to and go on holiday/nights out with. Does anyone have any ideas or advice?

OP posts:

Nishky · 22/04/2014 20:49

I would definitely find groups connected to your interests, drama, running, much easier for friendships to develop. I think phases in life like this are quite common - has been the case for me anyway x

SweetErmengarde · 22/04/2014 20:59

OP, you could be me.

No advice unfortunately as I'm in pretty much the same boat, but please know you're not alone.

heyho1985 · 22/04/2014 21:07

I am in the same boat. At 28 I would like to be out socialising a lot more. It seems really hard to make friends where I live. I sometimes think that men have it easier, grown up with 2 older brothers and they have tons of friends between them. I always thought if I'd of had a sister I might have been able to make friends that way.. very sad I know haha!

Caucasus · 22/04/2014 21:08

Hey, I've totally been where you are, and I promise you, it will get better. I moved to a new city two years ago and was terribly lonely. My partner was working away a lot, and to make it worse I was working from home, so I could go the entire day without speaking to anyone. When you don't meet people through work it seems so hard, and I felt totally lost being in a new city.

I went to Meetups for my interests, joined a book group and joined a dance class hoping to make friends. It was totally hit and miss - I didn't make friends at the book group or the dance class, but did make one friend at the meetup. Sadly he was male so not quite what I wanted, but it helped! In the end, I met a girl I really liked at a party held by some friends-of-friends of my partner we were invited to. We chatted for a while, and then she was walking home on her own, so I took her number and asked her to text when she got home safely. I then spent the next weeks agonising about contacting her again - worse than any dating I've ever done! I finally plucked up the courage to ask her for a coffee and it was great.

I suppose the point of that long story is just to put yourself out there as much as possible, and if you do meet someone you have an inking you could get on with, make sure to get their phone number (or add them on facebook) and follow up the meeting. it's so nerve wracking but worth it in the end. Of course, I've made other attempts to make friends with girls and ended up feeling rejected, but you've just got to keep trying.

I've said for ages that the UK needs friend dating sites - apparently these are a thing in America now so hopefully we'll have them soon. Otherwise, Meetup is probably a good place to start.

I know totally how you feel, and how hard it is - but it will get better. Good luck!

hutchblue · 22/04/2014 21:10

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Caucasus · 22/04/2014 21:10

I just found this site - may help?

www.girlsgoout.co.uk/

hutchblue · 22/04/2014 21:11

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

MadBusLady · 22/04/2014 21:14

Where do you live OP? I'm in London, I'm always up for making more friends

Original poster

rosieflower · 22/04/2014 21:20

It's comforting to know I'm not the only one. I live in Kent so not too far from London. I am a bit scared about meeting people through online sites like Meetup...not sure why. I'm a bit of a worrier and get very nervous about new situations.

That American friendship site sounds good. It would be easier over here if we had a site where you made something like a Facebook profile and met up with people through that because then it's a little bit more like getting to know them and you have a face to put to a name if that makes sense.

It'd so difficult. Especially because I have met people I've clicked with but then I worry that maybe have come across too eager too meet up with them or whatever. It never comes to anything. I would hate to come across as desperate too!

OP posts:

Prettykitty111 · 22/04/2014 21:35

I feel exactly like this. A lot of my friends seem to have disappeared over the years and its much harder to make new ones.
Rosie what part of kent? I'm outside dartford. Always up for a coffee and a wander round bluewater!

cardamomginger · 22/04/2014 21:46

Me too! I'm friendly with quite a few people, but I don't really have a best friend. I see friends who do have that and I miss it.

MadBusLady · 22/04/2014 22:00

I'm sort of the Kentish end of London if that's any help. Maybe I've been lucky but I think most people are basically nice and ready to make friends and are flattered to be asked so I wouldn't worry too much about looking desperate as long as you're not actually clingy.

littlegreengloworm · 22/04/2014 22:02

Me too, since I've had a baby one of my close friends never calls around. We went out together most weekends and she was my bridesmaid.

I am hoping I might meet people I have more in common with now.

saintmerryweather · 22/04/2014 22:08

you sound exactly like me OP -I did join meetups though and have met some new people through it - stil not exactly made any proper real friends from it, not people I can call up outside the group or go out with

NickNackNooToYou · 22/04/2014 22:14

Me too, I deactivated my FB account last month and I've not heard from one 'friend'. As as that it is, obviously they weren't friends.

I've thrown myself into my DCs sorting out my cluttered house and having some 'me' time. My kids are thriving, house is looking fab & I've never looked better. I just feel lonely and I suppose disappointed in my 'friends'. Next task is to make new ones... easier said than done

Caucasus · 22/04/2014 23:02

"It'd so difficult. Especially because I have met people I've clicked with but then I worry that maybe have come across too eager too meet up with them or whatever. It never comes to anything. I would hate to come across as desperate too!"

This is so true, and exactly how I met when i was trying to "woo" the girl I had a friend crush on - you just have to power through the insecurity, hard as it is. I was thinking of that scene from Friends where Monica is like "I'm breezy!" all the time when I wanted to contact my new friend-to-be.

My dad has a saying, "shy kids don't get fat", which I always try to think of in these situations. I think a less Yorkshire way of putting it is "fortune favours the brave", but I prefer my dad's version, tbh.

Caucasus · 22/04/2014 23:03

that's felt, not met.

saintmerryweather · 23/04/2014 08:31

Where in kent are you?

unicornspooprainbows · 16/11/2015 14:33

Ok I know this is a Zombie Thread, but just I tried PMing OP but she's not accepting them. Anyway just wanted to say I'm also in Kent, there seems to be a few of us Kentish MNers, I'm just out of a long term relationship and kind of lost my circle of friends somehow,......anyone up for a meet up?

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