Could the person who has my life please give it back?

[3mum]

I'm having a moment of huge ingratitude I know, but please indulge me.

My younger self never wanted to get married and never wanted to have children. I am fairly introverted and need a certain amount of peace and quiet and my own company in order to function.

I look at my life now and think How on earth did I get here? ExH wanted marriage and children. I gave in and he got them. He ran away with another woman leaving me with three children one with SN (due to a genetic problem in his family).

I worked for twenty years in a job I hated because he liked the lifestyle the money bought and I thought that I was contributing for the greater good of the partnership so put up with it (the recession rescued me from that one with redundancy).

So here I am at 50+ divorced (I don't want him back but I am so, so P'd off that he pressed for marriage then spent his time cheating behind my back - why bother FFS? Its not as if I want holding a gun to his head), with three young teen kids (who I love, but God they are hard work and this Easter break has been a nightmare with the constant bickering and I can't bear them one minute longer) four pets who follow me everywhere I go and unemployed.

I can't help but look back on the life I planned to have: academic career, live alone, no H, no children, no pets, just me and books. How did it all go so wrong? Is there someone out there living MY life and, if so can we swap?

Anyone else feel like this or am I just a moany old bag? (I know I am and tomorrow I'll pick up the cudgels and trudge on).

You have my sympathy. Do you feel like this all if the time or just exhausted after a tough Easter?

I chose this life... married dh, have a dd and one on the way but I'm still coming to terms with the life I lost (dc have torpedoed a career I loved, childcare is crippling us financially etc)

So I really feel for you if you feel you were pushed into it.

My advice, which is limited, would be to spend some time thinking about what you can change to get to a place where you are happier with your circumstances. Write down some goals, little things and big things. Then take steps to get yourself there. You might feel better when you realise you are more in control of your future than your past.

3mum I don't have any answers for you but scarily I seem to have the exact same life you have! I have 2 rather than 3 children but have 4 needy pets who follow me round the house... Also been made redundant last month so looking for a new direction and somehow to find the life I should have had! It's not that there is so much wrong with this one, I am very lucky in some ways but some of that luck also involved working 15+ years in a well paid job that I didn't love...

I do have DH who is very nice but not a provider so I felt I had to do it all and as DC grow up it kind of leaves you thinking, what about me?

I have been looking for another job but my heart isn't in it if I am honest, don't want to do same kind of work and hard to break into something else.

I wish I knew what to do next!

Be careful what you wish for...

I craved peace and quiet and 'downtime'. Now H has left me for another woman and has the kids part of the time so I'm alone in the house a lot more and I hate it. I'm thinking of getting a lodger and some pets just for some more company!

Thanks Teenage, I have changed a lot of things since my exH left and it is definitely an improvement. Not least we don't all revolve around his whims any more. Now just need to re-home the children and the pets and all will be well (joke). I think a lot of it is just post Easter tiredness. Normally I'm a coper.

Ruby - spookily similar I agree. Glad someone else has that pied piper feeling with the pets. I do feel a bit "and when is it my turn and can I have it now please?". Do you think I can have time off for good behaviour?

Re jobs, is it worth looking not at your skills in that type of job, but at your transferable skills and then looking at what else you could do with those skills?

QuiteSo - Yes I know what you mean about tempting fate. However, my kids don't want to visit their dad and his girlfriend so I never get any time off. Can I interest you in some slightly used pets?

I've got 4 trailing pets too

I've got a crap old dog. Deaf, almost blind, stubborn and i seem to be washing her bedding every day. Don't ask. It's like living with an old lady. But worse.

I don't even like dogs, always wanted a cat. Ended up looking after dog for 6 wks but owner never returned and here I am 10 years later. I'll never get another one (sorry dog).

Apologies for rant. But I do get those moments of "how did my life come to this?" ... Mostly when picking up dog poo and running after deaf dog in the park when she's disoriented... Pah.

Should start a crap pet thread

same here, career gone am now strapped to a desk job I hate and 2dc that I adore, but 'dad' has recently walked out of their lives so I'm on my own doing everything.

not what I had planned

You're not alone, pink. But think of the fantastic example you're setting your lovely Dc's. I'm sure you're doing a flipping great job ...

I have been thinking abou this some more and I know with work I became someone who went along with what others suggested which turned out to not be in my best interests e.g. Moved to a new role to make things easier for someone else but was completely dumped on with too many projects. I am going to take time now to figure out what I want and find a way to so it instead of doing things for everyone else's benefit!

And I say this as someone who always thought I did stick up for myself and not let people walk over me but somewhere I lost sight of myself...

"But Muuuum, every boy should have a dog".

Seven years later, here I am looking after Ddog, but one who has been very ill over the years involving midnight dashes to urgent care clinics and significant financial outlay. DDog behaves like a toddler following me around the place, and because we've moved has dreadful separation anxiety. Which means that every time I'm out I'm panicking about what he's doing to our (rented) apartment.

I gave up my job to move with DH to another country for his job. After he was made redundant he started a business, that failed spectacularly and it took all my savings to stop it from going bankrupt, and to keep us afloat until he could get another job.

So here I am, 51, unemployed but working part time for no pay at keeping the nightmare business ticking over, broke (and I mean really no money in my name or his whatsoever as all DH's salary goes on meeting our existing financial obligations), with very little opportunity to get out without effing DDog and wondering what the hell happened.

Did I pull the wings off butterflies in a previous life?

I did an audition today! It may not lead to anything but it was fun, new plan is try everything and eventually something will stick!

Maybe it's me but I really don't get the selfpity aspect of this thread.

We have all made choices and can't really blame others for them.

What matters is what can we do now.
What are you going to do to make the rest of your life the way you want it to go?
It will never go exactly as you want it. It may even be better, but what matters is to make the best of what we choose or what we are dealt with.

Btw, good luck Ruby. :)

Awww OP, I do feel for you and I do understand.

Don't give up on your life. You can still make changes and try and carve out as much as you can of what you want from the life you have even if you don't feel as though you have chosen it all.

What about further study? Something for you? What was the field you wanted to have an academic career in?

I don't know what nature of SN one your children has but could you try to arrange for each of them to go on sleepovers with their friends on the same night so you have some time for yourself?