How it sounds from the other side

[cloggal]

I know this is done in AIBU (reverse threads) but does anyone ever wonder how their particular problem would sound if the other party posted here?
Mine (toxic ILs) are such practised liars that I'm not sure you wouldn't side with them! I know there are other members of the family who are MNers and who have supported them (without hearing our side of the story).
Have you ever wondered how the other side sounds?

I actually wish my exh did post his version of our story because he certainly didn't tell me it. We've never really had a proper 'what went wrong' discussion and it wouldn't be healthy to now, but I have asked him to tell me what it was that I did or didn't do that made him so unhappy in our marriage. He couldn't tell me. So either it's pretty awful or it just really wasn't anything I could have changed.

I suspect his version would go something like

She's always too busy with the kids.
She never pays me any attention
She's boring in bed and never initiates sex.
She doesn't want to go out drinking with me, so I just go anyway.
She doesn't give me any sympathy when I'm poorly.
Blah blah bollocks...

I'd really like to hear his real version though.

No thanks. I've heard STBXH's version many many times when he's been ranting...

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. If I'm sure I'm in the right about something but I know the other party doesn't see it that way, I can't accept any solution that involves them still thinking badly of me. Even if those ARE the only solutions because the 'other side' is so flawed. I need to grow a thicker skin!

Sorry alice .
I suppose it's more to see what reaction the other version would get, I've heard theirs plenty too, but it must sound reasonable to them, while it's total lunacy to me.

I think coco might have nailed it, probably a bit of me wanting everyone to see that I haven't wronged them. Food for thought...

roller do you think you'll ever know?

RollerCola, I think my STBXH would have an identical story to tell. Except you've forgotten the last line: she basically forced me to have an affair!

My ex swore blind he had no idea why I left him. Last time we spoke (about seven years ago I think) he was still claiming to have no idea at all about why I cruelly took the children and left him. To hear his side of the story, he was a hard working bloke whose wife ran off for no reason.

Of course, my side of things features verbal abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse and almost-physical abuse. Apart from those, he's right, I left him for no good reason...

I heard my ex h's version when we went to Relate....he neatly got his side of the story in first and counsellor was 100% on his side. He was clever like that! He spent a lot of time bleating on about how he felt he wasn't 'allowed' to go for a quiet pint on a Friday after working 48-50 hours, getting up at 5.15 to go to work, etc etc. He forgot to mention that once he started drinking on a Friday it'd continue to Sunday, and that he was a nasty, physically and verbally abusive twat when drunk, who used to shake me awake at 3am for a row....and who'd tried to push me down the stairs....who used to go and wake the kids up and make them cry. No, he forgot to mention all of that!!! And funnily enough, she never asked me for my version. Her face was a picture when I finally lost my rag three months later and told her EXACTLY what was happening in our marriage! I think she realised she'd cocked up big time. Ah well. No matter. We're divorced now

twonoisyboys I've heard a few stories like that about Relate and manipulative men. I'm amazed any counsellor can just accept any story at face value like that.

Oh yes Quiteso, I'm almost sure he'll blame me for him having to start numerous online affairs with other women.

The bit that really smarts now is when he's told me his latest OW has just left her husband and that she's had a terrible time because he was so abusive..

Cloggal, it was really dreadful! I couldn't believe that she was taking him at face value and not asking me anything. At one point she even suggested to him that if he felt stressed while out drinking, and thought we might row when he came home, then perhaps he'd be better off STAYING OUT ALL NIGHT AND RETURNING THE NEXT DAY!!!!! I mean, wtaf??!! Beggers belief really....when I finally snapped after 3 months and told her about an incident that had happened the precious weekend (where he'd been pissed, utterly vile, and physically and verbally abusive) she literally blanched. She started asking if there'd been any other abuse within the marriage (er, YES!!! If you'd only bothered to bloody ask!!) and then handed me a load of Women's Aid leaflets. She then couldn't get out of there quick enough. In retrospect I should've put in an official complaint about her.....utterly useless. If anything, she made a terrible situation worse. (Sorry OP to detail your thread.....)

Sorry for typos...Previous, not precious.....none of the weekends were precious!!!

There is somebody in my close family who is registered on a police programme for abusive men. In fact, he is not abusive. His ex wife is.

She has manipulated him so much for so long that he goes along with her interpretation of events and believes them.

I know the wife's side very well, and if she posted here she'd get pages and pages of support and hand holding.

But I know the other side, from being so close to it. It has opened my eyes a bit as to what abuse is and how there can be two sides to a story.