How do I deal with this, with ex husband? Children issues...

[andwhatnow]

I split with my husband three years ago. At the time it was horrendous as he was my upset as it was at my initiation. However, gradually, we got divorced and each own our own houses, etc. Generally things are good between us as long as I bite my tongue!! When we split, he refused to leave the house and it took several months to sell, plus I got very little from it financially. But I agreed to far less, because I wanted out. Our son at the time was 11 and a half. We agreed virtually 50/50 contact which has worked I think, up till recently. Because of the fairly even contact, there are no child maintenance payments so generally, things are I suppose, pretty simple. My ex husband met a lady a couple of months after we split. They have had an on/off relationship but my son has always got on with her. She has two children who are small (five and three I think).

A few weeks ago, she moved in with my ex. Now.... this didn't surprise me at all, in fact I thought they would have done it alot earlier. She and her children have always spent alot of time with my ex and son when he is with his dad, with regular nights over and so on.

However,my son has become a bit withdrawn and, to cut a long story short, (he is very quiet and keeps alot in) he has said that he 'wants a break' from dad's house. He says now that they have moved in, he finds it difficult.

Now... I obviously listened and remained as neutral as I could. As I said, its not a recent break up and I know he thinks the world of his dad's girlfriend, as she has always been great with him. I have just met with my ex, and told him about what has happened. He was okay up to the point that I said that our son 'wants a break'. His face changed and he said something along the lines of 'making him' stick to the regime we have always had. I have tried to pave things over by suggesting that probably within a day or two, our son will be fine and he has lots of other things going on, hormones, school, girls etc!! I think probably, it isn't actually a major thing in terms of him and his dad's relationship but I don't think I can 'make him' go to his dad's tomorrow as planned. Please help me how to deal with this... he's not six or seven but nearly 15 so what happens now?

I think your ex should be told to take his head out of his arse and fuck off for a bit. Your DS is a person and at 15 he is old enough to decide for himself how much time he wants to spend with his father.

There's no court order in place, so no negative consequences if he refuses to go. The more your ex tries to insist on being obeyed, the worse he will make things - point out to him that the best option is to allow DS time and space. That's the only option that will result in DS wanting to continue a relationship with his father once he is older.

He has to learn, hes not a young child and his actions and words are taken more seriously now. He needs to learn to communicate more, this won't happen if we just let him do what he wants

This is a completely contradictory statement. His dad has not taken what the DS has said one bit seriously. He has in fact treated him as a young child. He does not seem to realise the DS can choose not to have any more to do with him if things get intolerable. The exH seems to be telling him it's his way or the highway. This is a very dangerous path to take and it is not reasonable or in any way an indication of willingness to compromise. It is not a good faith statement about the relationship by someone who values building the relationship into the future. It is a statement by a parent who is more committed to his new family than his original one, I am sorry to say.

Like it or not, your exH needs to find a way to spend time with his son if he is interested in the relationship to proceed on good terms, and not the other way round (with the DS being told the conditions under which the relationship will take place and he can like it or lump it).

And telling him he would be happier and feel less crowded out if he spent more time with his mates on weekends is like telling him if he didn't insist on spending time with his father he wouldn't feel so miserable, isn't it?

Investigate family mediation services if the DS finds communication with his father difficult (and it seems to be extremely so) and if he sincerely wants to keep on trying, but if the DS is ambivalent and the exH seems to be too stubborn, then falling back on the position that there is no court order and therefore nothing the exH can do to force contact might be sensible. If the exH objects to the end of contact and the DS feels positive about trying again, then suggest mediation to figure out a new arrangement. But this is going to come to a head all over again in due course because teenage boys have an instinct not to be pushed around.

A meetup at the odd event they both enjoy (football, etc) or for dinner and a chat every week or two weeks might be a workable alternative to residential visits set in stone.