Can an Open marriage ever work?

[BlueFlyingPigs]

Prompted to post this after reading other threads about frequency of sex in marriage.

My dh and I have been married 16 years. 3dcs(youngest is 4). I am 36 and he is 38. Our sex life is non existent. Nothing for 2 1/2 years.

My dh has zero sex drive. He doesn't like kissing. He pretended to at the start of our relationship. he does use porn (he isn't open with this but have found it at various times over the years - at first was upset but each time become gradually less so) He definitely isn't cheating.

I don't fancy him anymore - the thought of kissing him just feels strange now :(

I do love him and we are a great team - most other aspects of our marriage are good. The disruption of divorce is not something either of us want for our family.

But I desperately want physical attention. I am no oil painting but I know men do still fancy me.

An open marriage seems like the solution but obviously I can't talk to anyone in. rL about this.

Any advice?

An 'open marraige' isn't really on the cards until you have spoken to him though is it?
I would recommend Relate first.

Will it be an open marriage or you having affairs? For an open marriage to work then both parties have to be happy with it. Have you spoken to your DH about how you feel?

Have spoken to him about how unhappy I am with the lack of physical affection. He says he feels terrible I am unhappy and he doesn't know why he is the way he is. He has said 'do what you need to do' and encourages me to go on nights out but when I have pushed him he won't talk about it. I feel as if he doesn't want to outright say it.

I don't know how Relate could help as there seems to be no spark or attraction between us anymore.

So why not leave. You don't fancy him, you seem to be living as friends. This could be your life for the next 40 years.

It feels ridiculously selfish to split our family up over my libido!

We genuinely do work in every other way; as parents, friends, running the house. We are good partners, just not sexually.

I think it only works for a particular type. If you have a strong moral code & even if you rationalise the behaviour as being a good solution, you're unlike to feel happy about yourself. He's doing the martyr bit by pushing you to go out etc but I'm guessing he doesn't feel good about himself either. There's no dignity in the path you're considering and there may be consequences you haven't yet anticipated. If you're in your thirties, you've got 40+ years of this ahead of you.

You say you fear the 'disruption of divorce' but what does that mean exactly? Having to downsize? Relocate? If you get along well you could every easily achieve a good split out of a bad marriage.... and a clear conscience.

It's not ridiculous to want and expect a sexual relationship, I couldn't be in one without it.

As for the porn and his lack of sex drive towards you, there's your answer.

Not sure if this book is any good, but it addresses those relationships which are very companionate but not passionate:

www.amazon.co.uk/Love-You-But-Not-Relationship/dp/0747585520

Also John Gottman (?) divides relationships into three types and one is exactly that good friends but no spark relationship- apparently it's becoming more common than ever.

It may be that a self-help book isn't what you need, but it might be a space to start reflecting on what you want out of the relationship and where, if anywhere, there is room for change.

Is it just the kissing your husband doesn't like or the whole shebang? If it is just kissing, then cuddles plus other stuff is a possibility- it is the lack of intimacy that is missing.

I also think kissing like you did as teenagers is rarer in marriage, not saying it never happens, but I'm sure I've read that it dies off as well, even if sex doesn't.

Good luck with it all, if you get on very well, it seems worth exploring this- plus why isn't your husband disturbed by his lack of sex drive? Does he really want to split up? Perhaps he doesn't realise it's becoming a deal-breaker.

Thank you - that was really helpful, will look at that book.

Sadly, it's the whole shebang :(
My dh just seems to accept that this is the way he is.
I thought I would be alright but I really am not.

Definitely don't want to split up though so maybe I have answered my own question.

It is more the disruption to the children - they are happy.

If we split up just because of this then my need for intimacy would be put before the children's happy childhood.

I can't have been the only person ever in this position

That's not the right logic at all. If you resign yourself to a life without intimacy (or take lovers) you will become increasing resentful and bitter towards the man who is being very selfish in physically rejecting you. The children will grow up seeing you unhappy and they will know.

It may be just 'how he is' but, if he'd told you this before you agreed to marry him, would you have still said yes? Are you not angry that he got you down the aisle when you were age just 20 on false pretences? You've had 16 years of rejection (aside from what must have been some pretty perfunctory stuff to produce the kids) and now he jacks off to porn and suggests you go screw other people rather than do the decent thing and release you from your vows.

You're not the only person to have been put in this situation but I think you should seek counselling to work out why you don't feel you're worth better.