Should I ask H for more money if I have enough of mine?

[jacketpotatowithtuna]

Several years ago H was unemployed and I was the breadwinner. Then he slowly progressed in his career and just got a new job with a salary much higher than mine. As a part of old agreement (when he had less money than me) he paid around 1/3 towards household bills as this would leave us with fairly equal free cash (very little free cash in fact). When he earned the same as me, we left the same arrangement as I knew he ran up some debts (he did not tell me about this) so he needed cover repayments. He also bought a car and car insurance from his money.

Now as he got a much better job, I wonder what I should do. I can live with the current arrangement but I have no spare cash left. Theoretically we should split the bills 1/2 each or he should even pay more.

On the other hand, as our marriage struggles and our lives are pretty much separate, I am not sure if there is a point of demanding for more money. By the way, I bought the house we live in with my own deposit and mortgage, and if we split I hope that it he will not ask for a share of it (he never contributed to any of the upkeep of the house), but afraid if I start demand more money for the household (which includes mortgage) he may then ask for the share of the house. We have 2 DC. He is very hands-off parent.

If I ask him for more money now that he will be earning more, he is likely to say 'do you have not enough of your own money?' or 'how much to you need?' and when I actually do not need as such, I know I will hesitate to ask.

jp I really feel for you. I don't want to put words in your mouth here but it seems to me that you have been keeping everything going, making sure your family have a decent life relying on the fact that if it went tits up it would be unreasonable to let him walk away with anything. It just doesn't work like that I'm afraid.

during my divorce proceedings I started out by documenting my contributions, loans, spend on house and bills etc but quickly found it counted for nothing. More annoying was that he was clearly following the same pattern with ow - he had to show bank statements and cost of living and it was easy to see he wasn't paying bills or rent. He went berserk when I pointed this out in mediation - threw water over me and told me I deserved to lose my house. It was this outburst which made the mediator push for him to meet my demands or go to court - he was too miserly to pay for court costs so settled In the end. 2 years on he is still saying to anyone who will listen (not many) that I stole his money. Ffs he had no money and I paid for the house!

so, I tell this cautionary tale to say get some legal advice. If your marriage does end then you want to be able to protect you and the kids. And he has assets abroad. Have no idea of your legal position , but perhaps you have a claim on them too?

I should add I am now very happy and, if were on speaking terms, I would thank him for going. Life really is better and more secure now.

Get legal advice. What you are banking on at the moment is you both want to stay in the status quo. You wouldn't rock the boat before your thread, now you know he's likely to get some of the house, you're even less likely to do so.

Unfortunately, he's not reading the same thread as you. If he decides to change the status quo, then you're vulnerable. So find out where you stand and make plans to protect yourself and your children - even if that means upping his contribution but saving it in a separate account so you have funds to buy him out of the house if necessary.

The other pov is - you are still working etc at the moment, so if a split was to happen, you would have time to work your way out of whatever financial situation that lands you in. If you split in 15 years, and have to give him half the house, and have no DCs at home so no maintenance, what will you do then?

A pp has asked if money is worth you being in this relationship forever, to which I'd say 'hell no!' but my feelings about that aside - there are two of you in this equation and you cannot predict what your DP may do. Just because you're 'happy enough' with this sort of half-life (sorry, don't mean to be nasty) doesn't mean he is.

yes, if you split i think you are maive to think that he will not take what he is entitled to.

in that light then, draw up a list of all bills and ask him for half

start building your secret reserves now

He will be entitled to half of the house if you split! you are being very naïve. He will be all out to get half of everything if you divorce so don't think "Well I paid for everything so I should keep everything." It is not the right attitude to have and legally you do not have an leg to stand on.

If you are staying with him. Make sure you half the bills, he needs to start making a fair contribution to the household and I am sure that will make you feel better about him being entitled to half the house.

I am totally screwed. I don't know what I am going to do. It is not fair.

I was married before (outside UK). We reached an amicable divorce settlement with ex H - as there was no joint account, we only took what we bought with "own" money - the divide was not equal but seemed fair to both.

I guess I was hoping for the same outcome, in case the marriage goes wrong. That is possible to agree amicably if H is in the same state of mind as me.

The contribution to the household question seems so trivial now.

" am afraid all of this will make me sit very quietly in my marriage, afraid to make any move..."

Please don't let fear of the financial implications keep you back. There are legal precedents but sometimes mediation can throw up different agreements.

One more thing - you say that you have stipulated in your will that your share of the house goes to the dc. Does this mean that you are "tenants in common", rather than "joint tenants"? This is a legal term for house ownership. I believe it is normal for married people to be "joint tenants". Did you specifically say that you wanted "tenancy in common" when you brought he house? Again I am no lawyer so get professional advice but I believe "joint tenancy" means the other partner automatically gets your share of the house if you die irrespective of whats in your will. If you are tenants in common you stipulate each share (doesn't have to be 50/50) and you can leave it to who you like in your will

you may already know this but thought I should say sonething if you didnt.

onedayatatimeLondon he is a tennant in common even though we were married at the time I bought the house.

Surely it isn't unfair though since you chose to marry? Were you not aware that marriage in the uk is basically a legal contract to share money and assets and it requires that you financially support each other.

I don't think he'd get half if he's not been adequately contributing financially or with the dc but he would get something.

I think you need to get your head around receiving half of the value of the house and be grateful for that as an asset. The alternative, not wanting to think like this, is that you're stuck in this situation for longer.

I remember hearing the story of a man who had left his wife many years earlier. They'd both moved on with their lives but had never formalised the divorce. He bought a house, moved in with his new partner and they lived there for several years... until he died. Because he had never divorced the DW and had never made a will in favour of the new partner, the DW inherited the lot and the partner was not only homeless but potless.

Marriage, as they tell you in the ceremony, should not be entered into lightly and that bit about 'all my worldly goods I thee endow' is a deceptively serious little phrase.

Thats good - it was an issue for me when I wanted to change it when exh left and before we had divorced.

This must all seem very daunting from your simple question this morning. At least you have a bit of time now to work out what you want and how best to protect yourself and the dcs. None of this means the end of your marriage but its better to have a bit of knowledge to back up any plans.
good luck.

I hear what you are all saying but saying that it is not unfair.. Well I have been scraping my money to overpay my mortgage (literally putting aside my lunch money) so I can be mortgage free in 20 years instead of 30 years. H actively said that he is not interested in contributing to the house, as he does not like it here (the house, the area). If I say why dont you add money so we can move somewhere else (I also dont particularly like the house, but this is all I could afford) he says No as he is not interested in investing in property in the UK (only his home country). In the meantime he is splashing out on exotic foods while I try to budget carefully and feed DC pasta, or borrows money to invest (or gamble?) in share markets, or decides to build a house for "us" to stay in his home country where we go once in 3 years at most due to distance and being expensive, basically pursuing his own ideas as I provide for mostly everything else.

Do not call this fair, please.

I obviously need to change my prospective.

Sorry for all � - where they all came up from?

• I meant all those funny signs.

If you do decide to stay in your marriage then you could at least ask him to go halves now he is earning as much if not more than you. The original arrangement was not supposed to last forever after all.

Maybe you could look into whether you are entitled to half of everything he has in his home country although the entitled way he is behaving suggests he feels very secure...

Look, his behaviour is not fair but you can't call marriage law unfair when it is designed to protect people from being left penniless and dependent on the state by a spouse who has entered into a contract to support them.

Why on earth did you get married if you wanted to retain total control over your assets? You have a duty to each other it isn't acceptable for him to not be contributing but you can't expect that his lack of contribution will mean he gets nothing either.

Also, when you bought your house, married or not you should have understood that by being tenants in common you must have stipulated that he owns a share of the house?

I think you need to get some legal advice. I am guessing we are all posting from our own experience here and it is different for everyone. What you describe doesn't sound fair but the law will look at what is fair for both of you. If he has other assets he may let you keep the house if you keep away from his. Does your dh have a pension? I agreed to stay away from his fairly generous pension if my ex gave me a greater share of the house. There is more than one way to skin a cat, as they say and you may have several options here. If you are overpaying into a mortgage stop and save instead. Although you will have to share savings too...

The way he treats you is terrible, undoubtedly but you're the only one who can do something about it.

Please get legal advice.

No, it's not fair, but then you don't seem to have a marriage.
You are buying food separately and so on.

Might as well officially separate, or it will get worse. You might end up paying for his debt.

Marriage is basically a financial contract, at least a the eyes of the law.

I am afraid all of this will make me sit very quietly in my marriage, afraid to make any move...

What you need to do is get good legal advice, particularly from a solicitor with experience in complicated finances, including assets abroad.

I totally agree with Lweji Even if you don't do anything with the knowledge, at least you'll know where you stand. And I'm not one to restate my own posts, but please do look at mine from 14:44 - there's not just you in this relationship and he could quite easily take the decision out of your hands.