The Script

[BabylonReturns]

Does anyone have a link handy for The Script that men follow when they want it all their own way?

I want to share it with my friend who is in a terribly controlled and abusive relationship. She cannot see how she is being controlled :(

It's so sad, and I'm scared for her. Shes amazing, funny, bright, attractive, perfect figure, 2 adorable children (not with him) and basically is worth so much more, but her confidence and self esteem are battered beyond belief

I'm afraid your friend isn't going to read about 'The Script', even if you find it for her. Victims of abusive and controlling bullies are engaged in a very complex dynamic where, as you rightly say, their confidence and self-esteem have been reduced to zero. She probably does realise that the way he behaves is controlling and abusive but, for reasons that will make sense to her, she is opting to ignore it. It's very frustrating for friends and family to witness but, unfortunately, until she says 'help me' there is very little you can usefully do.

Have you ever told her that you think the way he treats her is unacceptable?

Good post Cog.

I'm not sure you can do anything for her Babylon, sorry. If you did show her the script then she would probably minimise it or twist it so that it didn't fit her life. I doubt that she would have a lightbulb moment & get rid of him as abuse sadly can be very bound up as you say with ideas of self worth & the idea that this is all you will ever have & that this is the best you will ever get.

Have you spoken to her about it? Does she know what support is available if she does leave? I'm not sure that the problem is that she cannot see how she is being controlled, maybe she does know but is more afraid of the alternative or believes him when he says he will keep the children/house/all the money etc etc. Fear is very powerful, not just the fear of the man but also the fear of the void once the man has gone.

Fear is definitely the compelling factor. Fear of aggression, fear of speaking out, fear of ending up alone. I think the last one is particularly powerful. IME when someone's self-esteem, self-confidence and self-respect have been destroyed they fear being alone so much that they will put up with almost anything to stay in a relationship.