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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Was I out of order?

77 replies

nc20144 · 21/04/2014 21:51

I will try not to make this too long.
tonight while trying to install an app on DH tablet a FB message alert popped up from a woman whose name I recognised.

when I was 7 months pg with DD, DH had a work night out, got completely drunk, phoned me by mistake and I heard a lot of commotion in background and a woman telling him to 'get in the car'. when he came home I looked at his phone and there was a text from someone calling him babe. I text back saying whose no is this and reply was 'X' from earlier tonight.
next day I went ballistic. He said nothing happened and she was with a boyfriend. I let it go.
2 weeks later I find a receipt for a (quite expensive) lunch for 2. again, I went mad, he claimed he met her and her BF. He apparently ate nothing and the receipt was from their meal
then a text arrived from OW along the lines of "thinking about u too. hope all is okay but if not would be great to see u"
I phoned OW and she backed the story up but said her BF was out and she'd get him to ring me when he came in.
He didn't and i got a text from her saying she wasn't getting involved in whatever domestic we seemed to he having.
DH swore nothing happened, i had no proof, I let it go even though I knew he was still texting her.
I found her FB page and basically stalked her for months she was 4 or 5 mth pg when they met but was single. eventually I stopped looking but never forgot the incident.
fast forward 4 years to tonight when I find out he is her FB friend. He can't understand why I'm angry and upset. We argued and he got angry that I was talking about something that happened 4 years ago. again proclaimed his innocence. think he was shocked i knew a lot from my FB stalking. He deleted her off FB then said he was deleting FB altogether. said I didn't trust him, I'd ruined his evening etc and sat in silence all evening.
was I out of order?

OP posts:

Offred · 23/04/2014 09:42

But he is inflaming it by stonewalling you! Would he not be able to see that you at the very least need to be able to resolve this last argument even if you can't resolve the actual issue?

Do you think you could make a decision about what you believe is the most likely thing that happened and proceed on that basis?

Original poster

nc20144 · 23/04/2014 09:54

That's what I want to do.

The original issue will never be resolved and that's fine with me, ill always be hurt by it but it happened in another time before DD and I can accept it and move on.
I want him to acknowledge that it wasn't totally unreasonable for me to get angry and upset about the FB friend and for him to stop acting like he's the wronged party.
The atmosphere he is giving out makes him totally unapproachable. to be fair he could probably say the same about me.
I want to resolve this and move on but I'm not going to apologise for something I feel I was right to question (even if I did go about it in the wrong way).
The only good thing that's come of this is that I think he now knows he didn't 'get away with it' at the time like he probably thought. I think that's why he's angry.

OP posts:

Offred · 23/04/2014 10:42

it sounds quite messed up though and I am sceptical that you really will be able to see it as in the past on this context.

I think this always happens when someone cheats but isn't caught out/doesn't own up. The relationship timeline splits. For the cheater the cheating may feel a long time ago and in the past, they've been on the journey through their feeling a and put it to rest but their partner feels the hurt like it is new from the time they find out. The disparity often cause this kind of tension with the cheater feeling "oh FFS it was ages ago get over it".

He may not have cheated but it does seem likely he lied about some of it - why on earth would you geg in in a couple's dinner and then not eat anything? Unlikely. Also if he knew you had an issue with this woman he should have said 'oh btw I'm meeting ow for lunch with her bf on xyz'. He's not managed that particularly well if he's telling the truth.

Original poster

nc20144 · 23/04/2014 11:01

It is messed up and I hate myself for being so pathetic and upset when it doesn't seem to be bothering him at all.

OP posts:

Offred · 23/04/2014 11:06

That's really sad. :( I don't think you are pathetic, you are upset. It is ridiculous that it has gone on so long but it is because it remains unresolved, he hasn't done things to resolve it so he can't be mad at you for still being upset can he?

Would it help you if he admitted he should have been more upfront about his association with her at the time and he can understand why you were/are upset? If he was a bit affectionate and reassuring rather than distant and angry?

What about if you told him you want to believe him but when he does xyz it makes you feel worse and that if he could do abc that would help you feel better?

Original poster

nc20144 · 23/04/2014 11:16

He did admit he should have been upfront about his association and tried to reassure me but did it in an angry manner IYSWIM. swearing on DD and other peoples lives that nothing happened. he said he didnt tell me because he knew i woukdnt like it (he would say that though) After that he refused to discuss it any more and said I nip his head all the time and I had ruined another evening.
I think you're right about him being over it because it happened ages ago and probably nothing physical did happen. like I said, I don't ever think there was an affair.

where do I go from here? wait for him to start talking?
Try to discuss it again?
give him an ultimatum that if he contacts her again the marriage is over?

I don't think he realises how serious this was for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

nc20144 · 23/04/2014 11:25

Maybe I'm expecting too much.
If he hasn't done anything he may feel he's got nothing to apologise for...

OP posts:

Offred · 23/04/2014 11:26

It's his attitude that seems to be that main problem. Does he really think it is acceptable, having identified you won't like something, to lie and cover it up? Does he understand that the correct choice is to not do something he can't be honest about and that it is his failing not yours if he lies?

The stuff about nipping his head is particularly crap. Does he really think you being upset when he does something wrong is unreasonable?

I'm not sure where you go from here. What's the rest of the relationship like? If he actually believes all the things he says then I'm not sure I'd stay with him. If he's saying them because he has a bad temper and poor emotional regulation and he doesn't mean them and he was aware it was a problem and making real steps to react better then I think I might stay providing it was the only problem.

Offred · 23/04/2014 11:28

He may not have slept with her but he has done something he knew would cross your boundaries but he felt entitled to do it and to lie about it and he doesn't think you should be allowed to be upset - or so he says. You can't stay with someone who really thinks that, he is disrespecting you and it's worrying when someone feels entitled to trample all over your boundaries.

Original poster

nc20144 · 23/04/2014 11:47

I think he stopped the contact before because he knew he was crossing boundaries and doing wrong.

I can understand why he feels being FB friends is ok because I think most people have friends on FB that they don't actually want to be friends with or don't like. being FB friends doesn't necessarily mean they are messaging. as I said I have no proof they were. I think it was that she had commented on a post of his or something.
The rest of the relationship is fine. We get on well but he is not good at saying what he wants or talking about emotions. He says he's happy and I think we are. We have plans for the future and long term goals. If I hadn't noticed that woman on a notification tab I'm sure everything would be fine. I don't think he would meet her again or anything like that.
I probably should have kept quiet and done a bit of snooping but I am hot headed. act now think later.

I feel coming on mumsnet has helped a lot. thankyou for sticking with this thread, writing it down is helping me put it all into context as well. I'm sure I would have gone mad/der the past few days without mumsnet!

OP posts:

Offred · 23/04/2014 13:03

I don't think it's healthy to keep quiet when you are upset.

I know a lot of people like to show off about having a large number of friends in Facebook but I think that's pretty immature behaviour.

I think it demonstrates perhaps that he still thinks you are not allowed to feel upset about him crossing the boundaries with this ow, him adding her on fb. If she's meaningless to him and you're actually still so upset him adding her was quite a stupid thing to do so is he adding her because he's thoughtless or because he's convinced he is entitled to tell you what you're allowed to feel.

AnyFucker · 23/04/2014 13:29

Your H is stonewalling

It kills relationships eventually, even if he hasn't done anything "wrong" in his eyes. His reaction to your distress is emotionally abusive and not helpful going forward. In fact, it stops you from going forward and you have to question what his motive might be in seeing that happen.

coffeehouse · 23/04/2014 13:56

He lied about that lunch.

Maybe the girl broke her pregnancy news over that lunch, and that's when he had the lightbulb moment that he wasn't going to leave pregnant you and raise another mans child..
Not helpful, I realise - but I don't think people lie and conceal for no reason.

You absolutely deserve proper answers to these questions. Don't be scared of confronting lies.

Original poster

nc20144 · 23/04/2014 15:35

I think he added her on FB out of thoughtlessness.

I think my outburst about it shocked him. He thought I has swallowed his lies and forgot about it I expect.
He is stonewalling but I expect I am too.
I suppose I am going to have to try and break the ice tonight.

OP posts:

Original poster

nc20144 · 23/04/2014 15:38

coffeehouse he knew about the pregnancy from the night they met as he told me she was pg when I went mad at him having given a woman his phone number that night (he had ring me by mistake and I heard her in the background). The story about that went that the police accused her of drunk driving and he stood up for her by telling them she was pg so hadn't been drinking

it's all very odd.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/04/2014 15:41

No, it isn't possible for two people to stonewall each other

One is a tactic of emotional abuse and one is not

Offred · 23/04/2014 16:22

Was he friends with her before that night out?

Original poster

nc20144 · 23/04/2014 16:26

offred not as far as I know but I have wondered if he knew her before but didn't like to say (I used to be very insecure over his exes so understandable)
certainly if he did know her before then it was before we met.

OP posts:

Offred · 23/04/2014 16:31

Has he not explained how he met her and ended up being in her car and receiving texts calling him babe in one night out?! Is he expecting you to believe he randomly met her that night and got that close but nothing sexual happened?

At the very least he has very, very poor boundaries. How old is he? Sounds about 16!

Offred · 23/04/2014 16:33

Would he accept the same from you? Babe texts and getting in a strange bloke's car when pissed then a receipt for a dinner for two that you claimed you'd gone to with his gf and not eaten anything? Even if there was no evidence at all that the gf even existed? Would he happily accept nothing inappropriate had happened?

Original poster

nc20144 · 23/04/2014 17:36

As far as i can make out he wasn't in the car, she was telling him to get in and they got separated when the police arrived and the text from her was asking where he was because she was looking for him. He had come home.

i asked him what he would do if it was the other way round. He said he would trust me. i don't believe that for a minute.

OP posts:

Original poster

nc20144 · 23/04/2014 17:39

He even tried to say that he saw someone (a male) wishing me a good holiday on twitter (which isnt true) and he didn't question it so I should do the same with this

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/04/2014 17:42

A wish for a good holiday versus that pile of crap he has tried to stiff you with ?

Nah, not having it.

Offred · 24/04/2014 12:00

But why would some random you met on a night out have his number nevermind the familiarity of calling him a pet name and trying to give him a lift home?

There are only two explanations and they are both things I'd be mad about;

He has poor boundaries
He had crossed adequate boundaries.

Offred · 24/04/2014 12:03

It is very suspicious, the avoidance and the angry defensiveness and the frankly total bullshit response about trusting you...

If he has poor boundaries he may feel justified in insisting he has done nothing for you to be upset about but he is short sighted in failing to realise that his boundaries are poor and that as a result of this he has stepped over yours and that's why you are mad.

I think you perhaps need to be brave and insist that he either talks about this properly with you or he leaves until he can. I don't think it will go away for you and I think he will do other things if he doesn't accept this was a problem.

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