Is it normal to go a bit loopy when stbxh/xh gets new partner?

[Placeinthesun]

That's it really. My stbxh has apparently met the love of his life. Waiting for the marital home to be sold so still under same roof with him and dc's. I don't want to be in a relationship with him but after 20 years of marriage when I can't imagine being in another relationship it hurts and I can't explain why. Am I normal or gone a bit mad.

Completely normal. It will pass!

It won't be the love of his life anyway. It's a diversion.

And you are very normal.

I too am finding it hard to deal with my ex having a new partner. Am feeling ridiculously jealous of her playing happy families together with our son.

They don't, though. New partners don't play happy families. They really struggle.

My ex didn't stay with his OW so is single, like me. I know I'll go loopy when he finds someone....I kind of wish I find happiness before him so it doesn't matter as much

Sadly its pretty normal! But in my experience with the passage of time it matters much less and then ........... not at all.

It's normal. It happens because of a variety of reasons, none of which make you loopy.

Sometimes it's because it plays to a very common and normal fear that the relationship breakdown is somehow all your fault. Even when you've been cheated on/abused/whatever, you sometimes feel "if I'd tried harder/been prettier/been easier to live with/etc" your X would not have behaved so badly. The X then finding apparent happiness with someone else seems to reinforce that you were the problem, not them.

Sometimes it's because it seems so unjust. If you've been shit on from a great height and you're still reeling, it seems incredibly unfair that the person responsible for that pain gets to have a second shot at happiness. Injustice stings.

Other times it can be because of fear and guilt. If you're the one that left, for example, if you haven't moved on but he apparently has, it makes you question your decision to leave and therefore everything building up to it.

It's all normal and all part of the grieving process. Those who skip it without going through an accompanying period of self-examination and growth are less likely to have a subsequent happy relationship BTW so you may find some comfort in that.

Hope you feel better soon.

Great post Pounding thanks - I am in a similar situation to OP and your post has really helped. My STBHX was verbally abusibe and a bully and of course I wouldn't want him to be like this with another woman but I have been going through 'the it's not fair' stage now he is in a new relationship. He likes me to know how happy he is and what a laugh they have - I'm having counselling to help me to deal with it, I've found it really tough too OP even though I don't like him never mind love him!

Yes thank you pounding.
Mine too is making it obvious how happy new is, newly in love etc. It makes me wonder if I missed something about him or what I did that made him such a grumpy arse around me. There is also that sense of it is really really over as he's moved on now and a feeling of unfairness that he is not doing any reflecting on where our marriage went wrong... Just a kind of 'oh right that's over, on to my new life' while I angst over whether I have done the right thing and wobble about life on my own.

It is difficult my now exw had an affair with a work colleague and we split,

(now divorced) after 20 years of marriage.... that was last July she meet someone else five months ago they now live with each other and are getting married asap... He is the best thing ever and her soul mate apparently ... I have just accepted it , it's not easy but the children seem to like him and he does seem ok, I and most friends family think it's a bit rushed but I hope it works for her....

It's not easy but I just tried to push it to the back of my mind and concentrate on my life and I am much happier with my new found singledom..

Sorry just to add to my last post I never thought I would want another relationship but I met someone 6weeks ago and we are taking things slow but it's really good .

Maybe once you are not in the same house things will be a bit clearer and easier to deal with ...

yep, I too can confirm it sucks.... but when you analyse your feelings and admit that you actually don't want to be with your stbxh because of his shortcomings and endless list of faults, it actually feels quite ok.

I am having a hard time digesting the fact that my ex is now with someone (they recently went on holiday with the kids) - I focus on all the awful things he used to do when we were together and his awful habits and feel quite smug that she can have all that now whilst I focus on me and being a gorgeous person without him dictating to me.

Agree with lemon, they had a family holiday with the kids.. I just thought of all the shite I had put up with and how I now have no stress .in life ...I get word back from my 17 yr old that she never stops dictating to him...after 5 months!! Poor bloke :-)

she never stops dictating to him...after 5 months!! Poor bloke :-)

ha ha ha HERALD, that's hilarious - problem with us women is that we need help remembering the bad times we endured !!!

I'd love to pretend that my ex no longer exists but with kids that's impossible. So I just shut him out of the rest of my life and that means not entertaining any details of what he's up to and with whom (via FB, friends, etc).

I felt loopy too - it makes no sense - we don't want them, but then we get upset when they're so 'cat who got the cream' happy with their new partner.

I don't want my boring, self centred tosser of a XP back, but I felt loopy when I discovered he was so loved up with new woman. But the loopiness is fading. Onwards and upwards for me

Yes. My stbxh still lives with me and is having passionate new love affair with new gf... It is so in my face it is doing my head in. I appear to be the provider of free childcare when he gets a booty call. I am just focusing on the fact that it means it will motivate him to leave and that he'll be out of my hair soon.