Any advice appreciated xx

[lashie08]

Hello, I have never used this website before but often find myself browsing looking for answers to things ive googled!! I am a google fiend! I just wanted to post this and see if anyone knew anything that could help my situation. I have been with my partner for 7 years and we have 2 children together, 5 and 6. Our relationship has broken down over time and I am unhappy and want things to come to an end. He treats me very poorly and I have let him for years but I feel for the first time in my life I am ready to break free for the happiness of me and my children. He puts me down alot and swears at me a lot, in front of the kids and lost his job for aggressive behavior, he plays on the computer from 11 in the morning when he rolls out of bed until 11 at night when he comes to bed. This is not an over exaggeration, he plays on the pc at the dinner table and me and kids sit and eat tea in the living room because he wont move. He is making my life hell. My problem is this, we live in a rented place and both names are on the tenancy and he has flatly refused to leave but I live a 4 minute walk from our childrens school and dont want to uproot and leave our home for the sake of disrupting the kids, I really dont know what to do, I went to the council and they were no help at all, I just feel completely stuck and like I am going crazy!? Any advice or guidance would be appreciated so much. Thank you in advance xxxx

Sorry to hear of your problems but it sounds like your right in trying to do something about it. Unfortunately if his name is on the rent book then you may struggle to make him do anything. Maybe keep an eye out for properties becoming available to rent nearby? At the end of the day if you want him to leave you may have to be more proactive about it and actually leave him.

Have you had a proper serious chat with him and told him that you want to separate. Tell him he can either leave or you will leave but make it very clear that it is going to happen either way. I'm assuming he's thinking if he makes it difficult enough then you'll not bother. Can you friend a room to rent somewhere? A small flat? A friend to move in with? Family to move in with temporarily? Once you've actually gone he will realise your serious.

Can you talk to your landlord? Explain the situation and propose that from X date, the tenancy will be carried on in your sole name and not joint names. Then serve notice to the landlord to end the current tenancy and get everything signed and ready to go to start the new (sole tenant) one from that date. And you can give him notice to leave.

Once he is no longer a tenant you can have him removed.

Thank you for the replies, I have sat down with him numerous times and told him I don't love him anymore and that I haven't been happy for some time and that it is ending. I have so explained that if he leaves me and the kids will get help to pay the rent and we will manage but if me and the kids leave he won't be able to afford it. He lost his job 5 months ago for violent behaviour and is currently recieving hardship payments from the jobcentre. He just tells me to 'fuck off' or 'if you leave, see what happens' or puts his headphones on and completely blanks what I am saying. He said don't you dare speak to our landlord as if it's a threat? Like what's he going to do? Is it possible for my landlord to actually do that? I am good friends with my landlord and I know he would be understanding but can he legally change tenancy to my name solely without good reason or him agreeing to it? I have so many questions and worries an just feel literally stuck. He has said he will never ever leave of his own accord, he will literally be dragged kicking and shouting probably. I would rent somewhere else but can't make the deposit. I unfortunately don't have any friends or family with the space for me and the kids. It's a horrible situation xx

Get some legal advice. You can apply to a court to have the tenancy transferred to you.

Have a google, start here
www.hillingdon.gov.uk/media.jsp?mediaid=20674&filetype=doc

Thank you for the link! I will get googling! X

Speak to someone at Shelter as they are the experts on housing matters. When I left my partner I had to uproot 3 kids as my partner would not move and leave the property to us. Yes it was so hard but the best thing I ever did. It sounds like he won't vacate so if you really want to make the break and keep your sanity then it's gonna be up to you to leave. However, as you are joint tenants you have to get proper legal advice on how to go about this as you don't want to find yourself liable for rent/arrears if you do manage to leave. You need to think about how you would go about funding a suitable property and how you would fund it. Sounds like yr partner not likely to find work so he would not be able to claim housing benefit for a property that was in excess of his housing needs so he would not maintain the rent for very long once you left. I do wish you well as I know what a nightmare it is to up sticks with children and enter the rather daunting world of private renting especially if you having little financial means. Please keep us posted of how it goes and please speak to someone at Shelter as soon as poss x

Thank you for giving me hope that it's possible and one day il be happier for it. I've been doing research and I feel guilty all the time as the internet likes to say I'm a victim of domestic violence and although he isn't violent with me he is so horrible to me with words, he's very possessive, like once he spat on my dress before a mums night out so I couldn't go, texts me every 5 minutes and calls me names even when I pop to the shops, but I still can't bring myself to admit I am a victim of domestic abuse? I just can't do it anymore, I will move if I have to, a clean break, he has threatened to completely ruin all my furniture and slash my sofas if I try to leave so it's like walking on egg shells. In a dream world he would understand what he's doing to me and leave fortune kids sake but I just know this will never ever happen. Kids are back to school tomorrow so I'm going to get the ball rolling and makes some calls. Shelter will be first on my list. Thank you for the support xx

You're being so brave OP, I hope you know lots of us will be keeping you in our thoughts and willing you on.

Do make sure that your Internet use is private.

Thank you so much. I use it from my phone so it's okay he doesn't know xx

He may well ruin all your furniture and sofas and yes it's a shame but you can always replace them over time. What you will find a lot harder to mend will be your shattered nerves and battered self esteem if you stay and the emotional damage that will be done to your children. Whilst he acts like a total craphead he has total control and keeps you ' in your place'. Why on earth would he want to leave or change while he has it all his own way? Women are great at feeling guilty when it's not our fault. Don't waste your energy on a negative and pointless emotion. Save all your energy into finding a way out of this horrid situation. He doesn't feel guilt so there is no reason on earth why you should, ok. You don't have to admit you are a victim of domestic abuse, just be honest with yourself and simply admit that you are treated like crap and you are totally miserable and you deserve better. Don't have to label it, just feel it and find strength to find a way out of it

Thank you. The way you put it is so right, we are both young and have been together for 7 years. I am 25 and I just feel like I have come to the end of what I can mentally take. I am going to this, it's going to be hard but I can picture in my head what my life will be like with him gone and it's a much happier place and I feel I can be me. I'm actually excited by even talking openly about this as it's something I have buried for years. Xxx

See how strong you have become already?.. It's amazing. Perhaps he is totally miserable too now but just can't find a way out of it all as his emotions are so strong.... Anger is a nightmare emotion but one we often find hard to let go of and hang on to even when it hurts us. Gosh you are so young,you have your whole life ahead of you. Keep on picturing happier days as that dream will give you the strength in the darker, more difficult days. It won't be easy but it will be so worth it when you can start to rebuild your life again.

Thank you heyday, I just tried to talk to him again as he came off the computer and he thinks any sort of talking means we are okay and are giving it another shot but then I speak about moving forward with the break up and he just told me to 'fuck off to bed' so I have. He just can't seem to grasp that I don't want to be with him anymore, I don't know wether he just doesn't believe me or chooses to ignore it in the hope it will all just go away. It isn't going to just go away, I feel the way I feel because of what he is putting me through and he doesn't even see a problem. I just wish even after all this I didn't feel so guilty, wondering where he will live if me and the kids leave. Me and the kids were out all day yesterday at my dad and step mums for dinner and an egg hunt and he was meant to come but decided he couldn't cos he hadn't done his hair so we left and when we got back he was sitting on the computer with plates and cups surrounding him where he's just sat at the computer all day. Today we went to a shopping centre and saw a circus and when we got back the same again. Be just isn't bothered about spending anytime at all with the kids. When we got home he gave them a cuddle and looked at their painted faces and said he'd missed them today and then turned back to the computer and stayed in it until 9 o'clock tonight. Now he's sitting downstairs watching videos on his phone about the game he plays on the computer!!!! I just want to punch him!!!!! Arrrrrgh!!!! X

He sounds awful. Don't feel guilty; it's doing your kids no good to see you treated with so little respect. Could you stay with your parents for a while? Keep talking on here: there are lots of people who have been where you are and come out the other end