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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband told me he's not in love with me!

26 replies

cookielove · 21/04/2014 18:39

I am devastated, we've had a rocky couple of months and I thought we were getting through the worst of it, but he says it doesn't feel the same anymore.

He's going to go to counselling and were going to try and see if anything changes as I don't want this to be the end especially as I am 18 weeks pregnant!

He's always been shit with emotions, really crap childhood e.t.c but I always knew he loved me!

We've been together 10 years, and now its all ending :(

Anyway I'm sad as I keep trying to keep it normal. Coming on here just to breathe and talk!

OP posts:
Minion100 · 21/04/2014 18:41

There's a book called "I love you but I'm not in Love with you" that might help you right now. If he's willing to go to counselling, maybe go through that book together.

I think people often don't feel the same in long term relationships, so I would not fret too much on that one. The question is whether or not you can bring it back.

If he is willing to go to counselling, he still holds value in the relationship and that is wonderful news.

Also, pregnancy can trigger weird behavior in men sometimes.

LavenderGreen14 · 21/04/2014 18:46

Many men who say this have an OW on the sidelines - is this a possibility?

LBZT · 21/04/2014 18:46

second that book "I love you but I'm not in Love with you". DH and I have found it very helpful, we are also about to start counselling as well. I also agree with pp about pregnancy and weird behavior in men, I won't go into the details but my DH freaked out with one of my pregnancies.

Minime85 · 21/04/2014 18:50

I am so sorry you are going through this. I had the same last summer without the pregnancy bit too. so I can only imagine what you're feeling there. we too had been married for 10 yrs and together 13. do you have any other dcs?

I think its a really positive step that he is willing to go to counselling and it will probably be a slow process. you've got to feel you've together tried what you can.

good luck Thanks

Original poster
cookielove · 21/04/2014 18:51

I'm really hoping it's the pregnancy, before I fell pregnant we were waiting for results for genetic counselling as I mmc last year. Literally the weekend before I found out (Friday) he told me he had changed his mind on wanting children I was devestated and left, I came back the next day and talked he knew he would loose me forever if we didn't have children. The following Monday I found out I was pregnant. He told me decision made we would stay together, he was still in love with me then but the last few weeks maybe a month he has been pulling away!

I will look for the book!

OP posts:
Original poster
cookielove · 21/04/2014 18:55

lavender no other women as in cheating physically I know for sure, however he has been talking to another women who was a close friend years ago, she lives up north we are down south. I think he is talking to her to much. But what I have read it seems tame.

This is our first child.

I want to be able to say we tried, but I don't want to be left in a relationship just because he is comfortable. I want to be adored again!

OP posts:
Minion100 · 21/04/2014 19:03

How old is he out of interest cookie?

Original poster
cookielove · 21/04/2014 19:07

32

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 21/04/2014 19:10

he has been talking to another women who was a close friend years ago, she lives up north we are down south. I think he is talking to her to much

There's your problem, right there. How much is he talking to this woman and what are they talking about exactly?

Minion100 · 21/04/2014 19:12

So based on that I am presuming you two are each other's first serious relationship?

Hmm...having a baby after all those years with life "one way" is a big (bloody massive) change and it's not for everyone. Also, your early thirties is a bit of a turning point for people (for me that was my mid-life crisis age)

People act very strangely sometimes when things happen that scare them or put them out of their comfort zone

LavenderGreen14 · 21/04/2014 19:13

so talking to the other woman is totally innocent and you have read everything they are saying to one another?

Original poster
cookielove · 21/04/2014 19:21

I have read some of what they have written to each other but not everything, he's open with his phone and I know his pin! So can look at it whenever.

I had one long term 2+yrs relationship before this, and then a few flings, he has had flings and some very low key relationships.

OP posts:
Minion100 · 21/04/2014 19:44

I'd start off with that book, read it with him, and book in for the counselling too. It doesn't sound like the end of things to me -maybe more like a make or break moment.

There might be an OW, but if there is she will be a symptom of something else that is wrong so directing attention to that immediately might be a mistake. It's just as possible that there's no one else and he just feels the spark has gone. Which is actually perfectly normal.

If you can make it past that, you can end up with something better than what you had before.

As the saying goes " a marriage requires falling in love several time with the same person"

Original poster
cookielove · 21/04/2014 20:44

Will find that book tomorrow!

OP posts:
Thislife · 21/04/2014 22:54

He is obviously developing feelings for this woman. He should not be talking to her. Stop it now!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/04/2014 23:26

Some men do go through a "All I am to her is a sperm donor" feeling of resentment for want of a better word. Underlying it might be a growing panic that now you are at the point of realising a dream so what's left?

Plus if he experienced a less than secure childhood himself, he could reason to himself that it's better to bail out now.

A sympathetic voice can develop from a shoulder to cry on to apparently something more. In reality of course it can simply be that the third party has undisclosed wants and needs of her/his own. She's miles away and appeals because she appears to make no demands.

Are you and he still physically close? Do you still share a bed? Is he coming to scans?

Courage, OP. You have a decade's head start on this woman you may have faltered these past months ttc but don't stop talking to him, this doesn't mark the end of what you've had, it can be a fresh beginning.

Original poster
cookielove · 22/04/2014 08:46

He has come to ever appointment and scan, he is in our bed. But he is pulling away physically and now I am letting him.

I know he doesn't want his kid to have the same life he had.

Yes I think he thinks I just wanted him for his sperm and he has quite low self esteem at times!

OP posts:
Bananasandnutella · 22/04/2014 13:09

For nearly a year my ex told me he wasn't in love with me. It was just after our dd was born, so I brushed it off as being an adjustment as we'd been together since teenagers.

He had an OW....

Jan45 · 22/04/2014 13:14

OW.

CurtWild · 22/04/2014 13:22

OW in my case too..and I'd just given birth so he told me his change of feelings was due to dealing with/adjusting to fatherhood which sounded feasible. Complete smokescreen btw, he had met someone late in my pregnancy and many many texts later, developed feelings for her.
Hope that's not the case for you OP x

hellsbellsmelons · 22/04/2014 14:11

I think he's getting too emotionally involved with the OW as well.
How can he concentrate on you and your feelings when he's talking to and investing in another woman?

Original poster
cookielove · 22/04/2014 18:45

He is not having a physical affair, I know sure about that!

He is booked in for counselling!

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 22/04/2014 18:51

you have no way of knowing if he has had a physical affair - unless he is with you every minute of every day you can't be sure.

Minime85 · 23/04/2014 06:45

hi OP. I'm glad he has booked in for counselling. my ex didn't have an ow either and still doesn't now over 6 months on since he left. I do however think he probably had something emotional with someone else which made him realise things had change between us and for him there was no going back.

I think the life changing event of having a baby is really important here and probably at the root of it all. especially if u have friends with children so he has already seen how it changes the life u have.

I hope the counselling goes well.I really do. Thanks

Original poster
cookielove · 10/05/2014 22:02

Sorry minime just saw this.

First counselling session went well, feel more positive about our future. I am 100% sure there is no other women.

I spoke to him about his female friend he had been chatting to and he has stopped chatting as much to her.

OP posts: