Hi. I need some advice on what to do for the best for my children. This may go on a bit as I want to give the background so that my dilemma can be properly seen.
I was with my children's father for 13 years. He left in January after about three years of me telling him that I didn't want a relationship with him and things being very strained.
He had been occasionally physically violent over the whole time and at one point been charged and put on probation. He was sent on anger management and other therapy courses before I (stupidly) agreed to try again. He has always been selfish and I've always been nervous of his 'other side'.
He has never had a particularly good relationship with the children - who are 12, 9, 7 & 6. The eldest two are reluctant to have anything to do with him.
The eldest won't talk to or see him at all unless I go with her and try to make it ok. She has always been very grown up for her age and sees how he is. She's a very good judge if character and I don't think she trusts him.
My ds is being assessed for dyspraxia and struggles with lots of things, socially and emotionally. His Father has no real bond with him. He's never done father/son time and doesn't have much patience with ds and his little 'ways' (he's quite immature for his age and can be silly) Ds also has a low tolerance of his younger sisters and can be quite aggressive with them and instead if addressing this and removing ds from the situation, his father reacts with aggression. As an example we went out for dd2's birthday the other week and I thought we should all go for a meal together. Ds was getting aggravated with the girls, so his father leaned over with a stern face and said to him "Come on then..." In a threatening manner. This of course left me spending the rest of the meal in the corner with ds reassuring him.
Dd2 is heartbroken. Of the four children she is the most upset about him leaving. She is the only one that talks to him on the phone and gets upset if he doesn't come. Yet on Xmas day, he took the helicopter I had bought for ds and, before ds even touched it, he flew it up over the house and lost it. This caused a huge row because it was so typical of him, and he was right in my face shouting with dd2 crying and cowering behind me. When she talks to him on the phone, he tells her that this is all Mummy's fault and that I'm a horrible person for sending him away. He also puts down dd1 to her. She is constantly put in the middle by him and she doesn't know how to deal with it. She's very low and sad.
Dd3 is up and down. She refuses to talk to him on the phone but gets upset when he leaves. I think not talking to him is her defence mechanism so she doesn't get upset.
When he left, he moved 150 miles away to live with his friend. He agreed to pay £50 a week and see them every other weekend. So far he's seen them 3 times, and money is sporadic. When the money didn't go in this week, I asked why and he said he needed it for petrol to come and see them. I told him we were struggling and asked if he could send some money and come next week. He's now kicking off and claiming that I'm stopping him seeing the kids. He's told dd2 that I'm taking all his money. He's sending text messages to say that unless I let him see the kids I won't get any money, despite me telling him that it's not for me, it's the principle of him supporting his children. Lots of people have told me to stand my ground otherwise he will keep doing it and expect me to be soft.
The last time he came was the birthday fiasco. His temper made the whole thing uncomfortable when i'd bent over backwards to arrange for a place for him to stay, and paid for everything as he decided last minute he had no money for the presents or meal.
He told me he was taking one of the dogs as he paid for her so it's his dog. I told him I had changed the locks and he said "oh don't you worry that won't stop me"
I sat the kids down and explained that he wanted to take the dog with him and when dd2 asked him on the phone he told her I was a liar and just saying things to make him look bad.
The visit before he took the two youngest to a very large and busy park in the centre of town and when I got there with ds, I couldn't see him - he was sitting on a bench outside the park not even watching them!
Other incidents from before he left include a day we were out with dd2 & 3 in the back of the car, he got angry with someone at the traffic lights, got out and punched their window, smashing it.
On another day he took dd2 & 3 to town and came home with scratches on his face - he had got into a fight with the bus driver somehow whilst getting the bus home - leaving the children standing unattended at the bus stop whilst this went on.
When he left, I agreed we would meet on neutral ground and for him not to come to the house so the little ones wouldn't think he was 'home'. One Sunday he drove almost 4 hours to start banging on the door at 9:30am when we'd agreed to meet in town at 12. He then sat in the car outside the house til we left. I was terrified that he'd try and get in after telling me the locks wouldn't stop him.
So you see the kind of person I'm dealing with. He's very intimidating and nasty. I don't feel the children are safe with him and I'm sick of being bullied into him getting what he wants. My problem is the two youngest still want to see him and I'm being made out to be the one stopping him. He gives dd2 the 'poor me' routine and she doesn't understand otherwise.
Last night he threatened with court. I think he's bluffing but I don't know what to do or who I can get help and advice from. If anyone can offer any advice at all it will be hugely