I left my husband for a woman - but can I trust her?

[loopylees82]

Hi. Just looking to see if maybe I'm being unreasonable or if the way I'm feeling is justified...
Brief background - in January 2012 I left my husband of 12 years for another woman. He was an alcoholic who was at times violent and I was miserable for most of those married years. I knew I wanted to end it for good after he abused me sexually on our 10th wedding anniversary.
So in December 2012 I met a girl that works in my local shop. We exchanged numbers and it went from there. I was the happiest I've ever been. She really has changed my life for the better. But there's always been one problem... Her so called best mate. There are rumours that they once had a fling. She causes so many problems between us. She is jealous and doesn't like seeing us happy. About a month ago my girlfriend promised that she would have no more contact with her and promised if she heard anything from her she would tell me and I would do the same.
I noticed she was being secretive with her mobile and hadn't been her usual self for a couple of days... Then I found out yesterday that she has sent her 27 texts over the last 2 days (her mobile contract in my name)... I gave her the chance to be honest and asked if she'd heard anything from her, she said no. I said are you sure? No calls or texts? She said she promised no. So I said I knew she was lying so she admitted she had sent a couple. I told her it was nearly 30 messages and she just kicked off that I had been stalking her.
This happened last summer - she promised the best mate was out of her life for good... Then I found out they send an average of 3,600 texts to each other a month!! I was devastated - it's not a normal friendship. And with the possibility that they had a fling in the past, their friendship makes me feel so uneasy. The mate had a melt down when she found out we were moving in together. She's been slagging me off to everyone where my girlfriend works saying I've ruined her life and how she can't bear to call me by my name.
Finding out they are in contact again has really upset me. I haven't slept and I can't get it out of my mind.
Any advice would be much appreciated :-( xx thank you

I am a great believer in follow your instinct and if your instinct is telling you something is wrong, especially in this case, then in probably is. You don't send 3600 texts to a friend in a month I wouldn't send that to my best friend in a year. Sorry OP but I think there is more going on than she is telling you about.

My gut instinct was right when I found out she was in contact with her behind my back last summer (when I found the 3,600 texts a month) and my gut instinct was obviously right yesterday too!
My feeling is that something went on a few years ago and there's feelings there that are more than just friendship. This kills me inside. And she had the opportunity to tell me to my face last night when I asked and she lied over and over. Sigh..... :'( xx

You have to talk to her. As it is you've banned her from talking to her best mate, who she may it may not have had a fling with years ago. I'm not sure you're entirely in the right here

I was in a civil partnership a few years ago and one thing I had to accept was same sex friends. It's not like a heterosexual relationship where male/female friendships are rarer and often viewed with suspicion. Females are friends with females who can I turn be more, big that doesn't mean they are. I was also friends with exes which is quite normal on the gay scene as far as I can see.

I would be concerned about the lying but you have told her not to see her best friend. Is this realistic?

Right, I'm a lesbian and I probably text my best friend that much if not more. We also had a brief fling a couple of years ago. If my DP told me to stop speaking to her I would tell her to fuck the fuck off.

I think the main issue here is why did you put her in a position where she felt the need to promise to stop speaking to her best friend? You sound extremely controlling and whether or not she is cheating, you can't put pressure on someone to cut contact with a friend or check their phone records.

I would never deny anyone their friends but this situation was different. I tried for all of us to get along - offered the best friend to come over, maybe meet up, but we were kept very separate. The best friend demanded that my girlfriends only day off work was spent with her from 9am to evening. Therefore leaving her no time with me and my kids - only late nights. When the best friend found out we were moving in together she had a melt down, crying and screaming. She used to call me telling me " I know things that will ruin your relationship!" And tried to put me off my girlfriend constantly. She demanded to know where my girlfriend was at all times - she had to text her when she went in a shop, when she left a shop, left for work, got to work.... And if she didn't tell her she would fly off the handle.
Their friendship certainly wasn't that of a "normal" one. I tried for over a year for us all to be friends but my efforts were wasted.
They had a secret fling a few years back - when the husband found out it came to a sudden end.
It seems my gf has moved on and the mate doesn't like to see her settled. She's admitted to me she is jealous of our relationship and she's not happy in the relationship with her husband.
It was the mate that stopped contact with my gf. She said she couldn't handle seeing us together and that my gf had to choose between me or her. My gf chose me and since there's been no contact between the 2 of them things have been so happy.
I've never been a jealous, possessive person. I'm easy going, get on with anyone type of girl.

See your point based on that, the friend sounds a little odd

The whole thing sounds bloody odd. 3600 texts a month is about 120 texts a day- who has time for that and to actually live their life as while.

I think this all sounds very dramatic and probably not worth the effort. Yes you checking the text history was pretty intrusive but considering the history I can't really blame you but for your girlfriend to repeatedly lie to your face would be a deal breaker for me.

Thank you for your thoughts. I know I can look into things too much sometimes and stuff whizzes round my head.
I wanted the opinions of people that don't know me and my gf personally.
The mate sure is odd and puts a huge strain on our relationship. She likes to be in control of my gf and now she's lost some of that she doesn't like it. I was more than willing for us all to get along and be friends but my efforts were wasted. I even bought her new baby a card and present when it was born as a gesture of goodwill. But apparently I've ruined her life and given her the worst year ever?!?? Goodness knows how.
Big sigh...... xx