Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable??

15 replies

Lindyloo35 · 21/04/2014 07:29

Hi, I've been with my husband for 15 years, married for 9 and have 4 kids aged 9, 7, 5 and 9 months. I have a problem with my husband and his drinking, he drinks every night mostly has a bottle of wine and cans of Stella. I don't mind him drinking but at the weekends he doesn't come out on days out with me and the kids and when I get back home I notice that he has been drinking. At the weekends he starts drinking around dinner time and it's not fair for the kids to see him in a state. I've told him to cut down on his drinking which he has promised to do but it has never happened, instead he has taken to hiding his drinking from me. It was so bad last year that I asked him to move out but he managed to talk me around and it never happened.

Do you think that I am being unreasonable and would you put up with this behaviour??

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 21/04/2014 07:32

No you're not being unreasonable at all, he's prioritizing alcohol over family life, does he admit he has a drink problem?

Hassled · 21/04/2014 07:34

He's an alcoholic then, isn't he? A bottle of wine + cans every day is a huge amount. It will be very hard for him to stop without support, and he'll have to actually want to stop - have a look at al-anon which is for families and friends of alcoholics.

Ledkr · 21/04/2014 07:34

He's an alcoholic.
You cannot make him see this but you can get support for what you want to do from al anon

Ledkr · 21/04/2014 07:35

X post

CogitoEggySometimes · 21/04/2014 07:35

It's reasonable to not want to live with an alcoholic. Massive waste of your time.

Original poster
Lindyloo35 · 21/04/2014 07:39

He doesn't admit he has a problem and he walks off or gets angry when I try and bring his drinking up and normally says 'you're having a go at me for drinking again', I just can't get through to him and don't know what to do next!!

OP posts:
Hassled · 21/04/2014 07:41

Does he have a parent or a sibling around who he might listen to?

Original poster
Lindyloo35 · 21/04/2014 07:46

I've gone down that road and his father gave him a good talking to and he promised last year when it was really bad that he wouldn't drink as much as he was doing. As I've told him I don't mind him drinking at the weekends but when he starts at 1 in the afternoon and the kids are around that's when I start to have a problem with it.

OP posts:
CogitoEggySometimes · 21/04/2014 07:55

You're wasting your breath really. Indignant attitude, empty promises, ideas about not drinking quite so much.... it's all par for the course. You and his father are 'getting through' don't worry, he just has no intention of listening let alone changing.

You had the right idea when you threw him out. Sometimes the cold, harsh reality of exile from a family - 'rock bottom' - is the turning point for change. Others just shrug their shoulders and carry on as normal.

Original poster
Lindyloo35 · 21/04/2014 07:59

I didn't actually throw him out last year - he managed to talk me around but I feel that it's getting to a head and I need to throw him out to make him see sense

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/04/2014 08:01

The question is what are you prepared to do about it?

He sounds like he has a serious drinking problem. He won't stop because he doesn't see it as a problem. But he's the one who has to recognise he has a problem and he must want to stop.

I suggest you contact AlAnon for support for you.

But I don't see it ever getting better until you leave him and he hits rock bottom.
Because he will go down and he'll drag you all with him.

firesidechat · 21/04/2014 08:12

I think your mistake is giving him "permission" to drink at weekends. He can't. He's an alcoholic.

At this level of drinking it's probably all or nothing I'm afraid and it doesn't look like he's is at the stage of being able to acknowledge that.

The fact that he doesn't come on family trips would be a very big issue too. Is that because he prefers the booze to spending time with you and the children?

Lweji · 21/04/2014 08:34

Your mistake, if anything, is thinking at any point that you can have an influence on his drinking.
It's not for you to allow or forbid.
It must be him.

You can only decide what you are happy to live with or not.

Lweji · 21/04/2014 08:37

And if you leave now, don't fall for promises.
He should change his behaviour first, and long term for you to consider getting back together.

And he'd have to stop for the right reasons. I.e. because he sees it as a problem.

firesidechat · 21/04/2014 09:05

I agree Lweji. I suppose I was just pointing out that drinking at weekends is not a solution to this problem.

Personally I would get him to leave, but that's for the OP to decide.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread