another dh & porn thread....sorry!

[sickanddisappointed]

A few weeks ago I was telling my dh about a thread on mn about dhs and porn and he quite upfront, told me that he did look at porn. I was quite shocked as I wouldn't have thought he did, but he was quite open about it, and on reflection, I decided I didn't have a problem with it, I just didn't want to know about it. In the course of the conversation that night, my dh found out what my chatname was and since then I've been slightly concerned that I might have to limit what I say here in case he looks in. So (stupidly) a couple of days ago I checked his computer to see if mn was on the history, but what did I find... yes, you guessed it, no mn, but a list of porn sites and no scroll bar, suggesting, I assume, that he has deleted the history recently. Anyway, I've just checked again as he is out, and either he's looked at them again, or just hasn't deleted them, as they're still there.

I feel sickened as surely this must mean that he looks quite a lot, which I never imagined. And I feel so disappointed in him. He's someone I really respect and admire, and that has been damaged. I don't feel betrayed or deceived, but saddened, and sick to the stomach, that he could find this interesting/titillating/exciting. I don't feel I can talk to him about it as I really had no business looking at his computer, and I do wish I hadn't.

Does anyone who's dealt with this lately have any advice? Please?! I am a regular poster but I've changed my name - you can guess why!

Sorry, badly phrased last sentence - can anyone help me? I just want to get rid of this sick feeling and get back to how I felt about my dh before!

was it just normal porn?

What can happen is when you access one site, maybe just out of curiosity, is that a number of other sites pop up without invitiation and this can make it look as though he's been all over the place, when in truth he hasn't. I can understand how you feel, but be assured it's not because he doesn't fancy you or find you sexy, and it's not that you aren't enough for him. Most men just like to look at stuff like that! Like boys in a toy store they just can't NOT look. I'm sure he's just as you describe. Try not to get upset, it's just something he does and you are very lucky that he quite openly told you about it. He obvioulsy trusts and loves you enough to tell you and it's obviously no big deal to him, otherwise he'd hide the fact!

I wouldn't worry about it. You thought it through before and came to the conclusion that you didn't have a problem with it. This doesn't really make a difference except it's more a reality than just knowing about it IYSWIM!

You can't really tell how often he looks at it or in what depth - he might just skim through for a spot of titilation rather than a big session. If you were happy enough before then try to forget about it and don't look at his PC again.

Personally, I wouldn't sugest you check the sites out to see if they're "normal" unless you know what you would do/could cope with it if you found something more unusual. You said you had no problem so long as you didn't know about it. You've accidentally discovered more than you wanted so looking deeper probably isn't a good idea (just MHO)

Yes Coddy, I think it was, tho' not too sure as I didn't want to look too closely. I only checked one link as the title made me wonder whether it might be gay, which would have really given me something to worry about! But it wasn't. It was straight, but quite horrible - to me anyway, and I wouldn't say i was a prude. I just don't understand why anyone would want to look at something so, to me, disgusting. He said he was just looking at pretty girls, but they're pretty girls doing some unpretty things!

Thank you BeckiF, you brought tears to my eyes. I know he loves and trusts me, and I love and trust him. I know he finds me sexy and all that, but I do feel differently about being intimate with someone whol likes looking at things like that. If that makes sense!

SoupDragon, I think you're absolutely tight. Thank you for very sensible words. I've already told myself, sternly, not to look again! You're right, too, that its the reality of it that's shocked me. I just need to get it out of my head. Mind you, the colander that my brain has turned into in recent years, that shouldn't be too hard!

Im sorry you feel so bad, but I really can't understand why? He told you he looks at porn, he didn't try to hide it! You even said you didn't have a problem with it.

He's a man that likes to look at naked women (if he's anything like my DH then it probably is plural as well!) Isn't this normal? So long as theres nothing illegal there, then thats his choice. If you don't want to know that he's doing it (to quote you) then don't look on his internet history......

I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but everytime this subject comes up, men are made out to be real deviants which really isn't fair IMO. Incidently, I'd quite like to look at naked men, but the only ones on the net are gay porn ones, and that just isn't my thing!

I meant right.

My Dh goes on trips abroad on work sometimes for over a week, and I'll be honest that we are just getting our sex life back after birth of DS2 - hes sort of let it drop that he sometimes watches porn when he is away - like commenting on the different quality of porn in different countries that he visits.

I'm not unduly concerned - he knows the difference between reality and fantasy, and the strength that we have between us. However, I am intepreting it as him telling me that we need to pay some more attention to our sex life. So I am actively trying to be a bit more proactive - well I will do so when he gets back from his latest trip abroad.

Thnaks for your opinion, Lydialemon. I don't think he's a deviant. I just happen not to like porn and am a bit disappointed that he like it. But thank you for taking the time to post, it adds to the perspective, which is exactly what I need.

My dp looks at porn on the internet but it's more a case of fascination ("How do they manage to do that?" and humour ("WHY would they do that?" than using it to er 'help things along' as it were. My dp and his brothers will often joke about the things they've seen (not while dd is around, I should add!).

As for the history thing, there are so many pop-ups on the internet now that it can be difficult to avoid those kinds of sites unless you have a good filter installed. There have been times when I've looked at innocent sites but when I check the history it looks as though I've been cruising porn sites. I have no interest in those kinds of sites.

I know you must be feeling hurt but you would be even more concerned if your dh had lied about it.

Where did those smileys come from????

Have to agree with Lydialemon, secur et al
Mine is the same.
Don't forget, the content of these sites may only be slightly in his interest, I mean he may like T&A, for example, but the porn industry presents extreme, non-natural, silicone trailer park slapper-esque which always look scary and weird to real women, IYSWIM.
Please don't stress about it, he would prefer you any day of the week. He's only obeying the call of his Y chromosone

if you feel so bad about it to the point where you feel your respect and admiration for him has been damaged then you owe it to him and your relationship to discuss it with him. Tell him how you feel and be honest. What is it about him looking at porn that is really bothering you? Is it linked with some kind of "mental unfaithfulness", that you think he might not find you enough that he has to "supplement" his needs somehow, that they might be prettier than you? I know a lot of women go on about the degrading of women, depravity, lack of respect for women etc. side of looking at pron but I think many women have far more basic and unspoken objections linking to their own insecurites and prejudices (not talking specifically about you as I don?t know you, just calling it as I see it). If I were you I would examine your own real emotions about porn first and if you really feel bothered by it, tell him.

whoops - porn not pron!!

Hi there. I just wanted to thank everyone who posted yesterday. I really needed a shake and be told to pull myself together, and that's what you did for me. Nothing like a bit of perspective to get a handle on things. Anyway, dh came home and checked email on my computer and the mn window was open and he saw the thread....! Bit embarrassing but it prompted an honest conversation that was good to have and I think we now have a better understanding of each other, which can only be a good thing. So thanks to mn for making all of that possible.

I've pulled myself together and I'm not going to let myself be bothered by it: I'll just write it off to his Y chromosome (thanks for that SW, made me laugh!). So all's well here - a result!

I'm glad you've worked this out

Hi. I know exactly how you feel and went through this when I started dating my now dh. Dont feel silly that you feel this way - it is the way that you feel, and you cant help that.
All I can say is dont worry, it will get better. At the moment you feel a bit let down and surprised. I felt like that, but you cant help your feelings.
I talked to my dh about it and must admit got upset. But over time I have excepted it, and it doesnt bother me now. I even watched a porno film with some of my friends that he brought home - and it was really really funny! I think learning to laugh at it (as a lot of it is very ridiculas) is half the battle.

I hope this makes sense (tired!!). It is something that is upsetting at the moment - but will get easier.

Just read your last post! Realised I posted late! Glad you worked it out x

I kknow how you feel - I was in the same boat a while ago. I discovered 'almost by accident' (ie in the sme way you did!) that my partner was doing the same. At first it had a profound affect on me, I could no longer have sex as I felt 'inferior' to the silicone babes portrayed. Then, after a long chat with my sis, I decided to play him at his own game and ordered some porn videos which I insisted we watch together. At first, it was a bit embarrassing,m but niow hubby says its much better to watch with me (he had not tpold me before, as he wan't sure of my reaction). While I do not find them quite as exciting as hubby, the fact that we are now sharing this is great. Why not try it?