No sex life

[fizzyvimto]

DP and I don't have much of a sex life. We have a 2 year old DS, are knackered all the time and just don't seem to have the time/energy for sex.

I find it hard to initiate sex or talk about it (was sexually abused as a child so have lots of hang-ups in that department) and I think my DP feels a bit resentful sometimes that it's always him that initiates sex on the rare occasion that we get intimate.

Not sure what I'm asking really. I guess I worry that we're losing our emotional connection by not being intimate. I'm not sure how to initiate things as I'm so unconfident/anxious about sex.

Hold hands, kiss, stroke his leg. You probably won't need to any more than that to get things going

But don't feel pressured. With a 2 year old most people would be tired etc. Perhaps you could explain that you are tired and get your dh to give you a break more?

It's great you're spotting this early. Time to sort it out before it gets worse or you have another baby. Yes, you will definitely lose your emotional connection. Sex is key to feeling close to someone, and vice versa. I speak from experience. I had a chronic illness, plus twins and a toddler and dh had very, very little sex for about 4 years. I think we went 3 years with no sex at all. It did a lot of damage to our marriage. Do you need any therapy. It may help if you can't talk to dh to be able to talk to SOMEONE.

Secondly, I've learned sometimes you have to make sex appointments ie. We will have sex every Saturday even if we are knackered. If for some reason, it's missed, then Sunday. I know it's not romantic, but with small children it can just slide if you're waiting for spontaneity and desire to suddenly rush up. When you actually get going, you will want it, but it's that initial kick that's needed. Likewise, you can force yourself to initiate. For me, it helps me mentally if I suggest it in the morning for that night. I have all day to build up to it, which is nice, and also have a commitment there even if I am tired later. It helps to go to bed earlier so go to bed at 9.00, I'm sure dh won't mind if he gets some nooky, and he can always get up again after if he's not tired, and you will get a great night's sleep.

Good luck. And well done for seeing the importance.

There are several separate issues here. One surrounds the time available and energy levels and that can be easily fixed with a little creativity, taking time out, hiring babysitters, consciously getting more sleep and spending more time together. I think, if you genuinely wanted sex to happen more often, you'd find ways to achieve it.

Next is a 'resentful' partner. How does that resentment show itself? Generally speaking, resentful behaviour - pressure, criticism, sulking, etc - does not make someone sexually attractive. Especially not to someone like you who is reluctant to initiate sex & who needs to feel confident and relaxed with a sexual partner given what happened to you in the past.

Which leaves the big issue which is your unresolved discomfort around physical intimacy per se. Sex aside, are you physically affectionate as a couple? Do you hold hands, cuddle on the sofa etc.... or do you avoid that kind of thing because you fear it'll lead to an expectation of sex? Does your DP know your history?

Thanks so much for your kind replies. I did have about 3 years of therapy, which was helpful up to a point, but I found it didn't really help with the day to day problems I'm left with, one of which is this problem with intimacy in relationships.

The sex appointments is a good idea though we went through 3 years of appointments when ttc and I think that's another reason why our sex life has suffered. I found it excruciatingly painful to let DP know when we needed to do the deed, and somehow I feel there's less motivation now as we're not ttc any more.

Resentful was probably the wrong choice of word for me to describe DP. He is a very kind and considerate man (he's got to be to put up with all my hang-ups) and I think what I was trying to say was that he feels there's a lot of pressure on him to always be the one to initiate sex. (He has his own issues as well related to an abusive mother.) We are affectionate and hug/cuddle on the sofa etc. It's just the taking it further that I struggle with, though admittedly I'm not often in the mood, but just feel we ought to have sex more often because, as I said, I worry we're losing that closeness that we had.

There's a book called Just do it, which really helped us: Just do it

Even reading this may give you some vocabulary to talk about it more, and just make it all a little less taboo. It is not 'dodgy' or pornified.

I think if you don't have to 'initiate' a specific day every time like when TTC, then you can just say Saturdays or Fridays. Maybe a night that can be a bit of a 'date night' in too if you like. If on top of that someone wants to initiate, then great, but the pressure isn't on either of you then. I also think if someone initiates then it's good to not knock them back, unless it is unreasonable (for me that would 2x in a row, more than 2x in a week and if I am already half asleep!). If your dh initiates and you haven't had sex for a while, but you knock him back, that is damaging to confidence and closeness. I didn't realise how hurtful this was to dh, but when it's happened to me (more rarely) it is really hurtful. You can talk about what works for you eg. can he give you some notice.

I have found generally that the more you have sex, the more you want too. Honestly, most of the time, I have to go along with it, but 5 minutes in and I am very much into it . It does make you feel so much closer.