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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

an outsider's perspective - not sure what to make of this

25 replies

thecolorpurple · 20/04/2014 20:42

I have been with DH for 12 years and married 7, but no DC. We have discussed DC over the years, but came to the conclusion that we were both happy with our responsibility free lifestyle and so opted not to. Today DH has told me that he wants to separate and that he is moving to England in 2 months time to be with a girl he has met on the internet, who he wants to have a family with in future years. We are in America so quite a significant move.

He has never met this girl in real life and I say girl because she has only just turned 18. I knew about their friendship and was aware that they were very fond of each other, but as she was 16 when they met (Dec 2012) and him 33 (now 34) I did not think anything of it. However, I have just found out that they've been in a sexual (pictures, videos and sexting on Whatsapp and Skype) and emotional relationship for the last year and this is the reason for him wanting to leave me!

To make matters worse this girl is absolutely stunning. I can't help think that it is something to do with my age as it seems too much of a coincidence that I just turned 40 as she turned 18. Now I'm questioning our whole marriage if he's been in love with someone else for the past year, but whenever we spoke about us as a couple he always said he was in love with me too when I said it. The problems in our relationship all make sense now. He has been emotionally distant throughout this time and became visibly angry and upset when I interrupted their time together on one occasion. He spends most of his time at work talking to her and they talk for hours a day. Our once amazing sex life had dwindled to nothing, which led to me starting to go on dates with other guys from the internet in December 2013 and requested an open marriage in January 2014.

I'm really unsure what to think especially as he never wanted a family with me, but definitely has planned one with this girl. Am I being unreasonable for thinking that he was never really that committed to me and that I was just the 'for now' woman until someone better came along?

OP posts:

TheAfterDark · 20/04/2014 20:54

Sorry to hear this.. Sounds like you are both best out of the relationship tbh.
Think he will regret this - does he seriously think an 18 year old will want to settle down with him? And moving from USA to uk is a huge commitment.

What is most upsetting for you? As you say you have been dating other men - is it the fact that he possibly wants a family with someone else?

Seems pretty straightforward to me, hope you are ok though - never nice to be lied to and deceived

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 20/04/2014 20:57

It sounds a little like that, but also he's living in fantasy land if he thinks this 'relationship' is the real thing. He's infatuated and caught up in a fantasy which bears no resemblance to real life.
He's a prize shit by the way. Unrelated, but why did you ignore the fact that he was chatting to a child for years? I can't see how an adult man chatting with a 16 year old online could even be seen as innocent.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 20/04/2014 20:57

I'm sorry this has happened to you and sorry to mention this bit but...couldn't he possibly be in hot water for sending and receiving sexual pictures etc with a minor? If this was going on since she was only 16?
Happy to be corrected if I'm wrong...

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 20/04/2014 20:59

To become 'fond' o a 16 year old when he is in his 30's seems a bit off. How did he meet her?
I think you may be asking the wrong questions.

crispyporkbelly · 20/04/2014 21:00

He sounds like a dirty old man tbh and you're well shot

drnoitall · 20/04/2014 21:01

This is a joke, right?
Are you really saying your dh "met" a 16 year old girl online and continued to contact her for 2 years. And you didn't mind or think that was wrong, he is the same age you? Yes? 40!!!!!

scarletforya · 20/04/2014 21:03

I bet she's a 23 stone, hairy trucker called Bill.

drnoitall · 20/04/2014 21:04

If this is true, he is a creep, a weirdo, and you are better off without him and most definitely the world is better off without any offspring from him.

GrassIsSinging · 20/04/2014 21:07

Wow. Fucked up situation. He sounds like an utter prick, to be brutally honest. 'falling in love' online with a teenage girl? He needs to get a big grip on himself. Pity the poor girl, if she isnt actually a trucker called Bill!

The whole relationship sounds really awful. Onlin dating other men, online affairs from him, lies, deceit...walk away. What else can you do?

MountainGoatee · 20/04/2014 21:08

I'm sorry to hear about this, it's really shitty on his part.

This is a strange thing for anyone to do. It definitely seems like running away, mid-life crisis sort of thing. It isn't a rational way to start a new relationship. The mature, reasonable way to deal with being unhappy in your marriage is to address the issues and, if necessary, end the relationship in the kindest way possible, not run off to a foreign country to start a new life with a teenager you've never met in person.

Will you be able to sort out the financial and legal side before he leaves. This stunning teenager could well be a scam, so you would need to ringfence all your assets before he gets ripped off.

It's not really your concern, but I'm pretty sure American citizens can't just go and live in the UK. He'll probably be on a tourist visa and won't be able to work. If this girl really exists I doubt her family are going to be thrilled with her boyfriend being a middle-aged, unemployed, illegal immigrant. I'd say the romance is going to wear off pretty quickly.

Dirtybadger · 20/04/2014 21:13

Dr the DH is 34.

drnoitall · 20/04/2014 21:16

Oh, that's ok then!
I think somebody is having a boring bank holiday and attempting to amuse themselves.

Original poster

thecolorpurple · 20/04/2014 21:17

@TheAfterDark I only started seeing other men because he completely shut me off, stopped spending time together, going to bed at different times and spent all of our times in different rooms with him being glued to his phone all the time. It was an attempt to feel wanted.

@drnoitall I didn't mind because they were just friends. He told me about her and showed me her picture initially and said that they just joked around and talked about music and things they had in common.

OP posts:

exexpat · 20/04/2014 21:19

Unless your DH has a passport which gives him the right to live in the UK, or has lined up a job with a company which will sponsor his visa, or they get married right away and the girl earns over £18,600 a year (new spousal visa requirement), he's not going to be able to stay here very long.

But I suspect that is irrelevant. Your marriage is over, he is having an early mid-life crisis and not thinking straight, and even if he was once sincerely committed to your relationship, he isn't now.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 20/04/2014 21:21

Yes but didn't that strike you as odd? Your husband having a friendship with a 16 year old child?

Wrapdress · 20/04/2014 21:22

Run! Run like the wind. Don't look back.

BalloonSlayer · 20/04/2014 21:23

Gosh aren't her parents going to be overjoyed when a 34 year old Yank turns up on their doorstep expecting his webcam wanks to be made flesh?!

BecauseImWoeufIt · 20/04/2014 21:26

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BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 21/04/2014 01:32

I think your paedophile husband is about to have a series of rather rude awakenings: from her, when she runs a mile; from real life, which will not see him get to stay in the UK for long, and hopefully from the authorities, if you can get hold of any of their sexy exchanges dated before her 18th birthday.

You are of course well rid, and there is no way on earth they will end up having a family etc together, but honestly, why aren't you mainly horrified that he grooms underage girls?

VeryStressedMum · 21/04/2014 01:52

Well you're dating other men so your relationship isn't actually fantastic.
But does he expect to turn up at Heathrow at say he's met the teenager of his dreams he's come to stay, they'll let him in then he'll turn up at her parents house and say although he's twice her age he's fallen in love with their teenage daughter online and he's come to live with them....

firesidechat · 21/04/2014 08:24

This first post by the OP would have been just about believable, but was slightly undone by this:

I knew about their friendship and was aware that they were very fond of each other, but as she was 16 when they met (Dec 2012) and him 33 (now 34) I did not think anything of it.

Surely even the most naive adult would see a problem here.

ThePriory · 21/04/2014 09:01

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relaxinradox · 21/04/2014 09:31

In the UK the girl is not underage at 16. However, that is irrelevant. If this post is genuine, then Id suggest what others have said and run....as fast as you can. Let him live his fantasy, freeing you to meet someone who is decent.
He will have to divorce you first so as others said, his stay in the UK will be short. Dont take him back when he does return to the US.

pinkfluffyslippers01 · 21/04/2014 11:01

The girl isnt underage but if the sexual photos are when she was 16 they ARE classed as indecent images of a minor as she was not 18, thats if they were sent when she was 16

CogitoEggySometimes · 21/04/2014 11:51

Sorry you've been rejected. It's very hurtful no matter how it happens but you've got to admit that, once it gets to the 'let's have an open marriage' stage, it's all over bar the shouting. Suggest you don't stand in his way.

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