has your narc mother ever deleted your presence from her life?

[BuffyTheNarcSlayer]

Name-changed, because I've been posting some specific details on other discussions under my main username, which would out me to her if she read this.

My mother's specific line of narcissism has been that I do things her way, or I may as well not exist. As a child, it's obvious which option I chose - I tried desperately to please, fill the gaps, dance around her like a puppy to try and make her happy, to try and "exist" in her eyes, and had it always fall devastatingly short, resulting in violence and verbal abuse from her. As a teenager I rebelled a little, but was never secure enough to rebel completely (I mean how many 13 year olds have money to survive by themselves?), often suffering months of "punishment" in the form of humiliation/abuse for daring to be my own person.

Fast forward to now, I am in my early 30s. From my late teens I was not financially or emotionally dependent on her or my enabling father, but it is only in the last year that I have mustered up the courage not to play her game. I very politely let her know that I will not be fulfilling her (often ludicrous, insane, harmful) demands and present well-reasoned arguments why not. My DH backs me up too. There was a period of deep turmoil between us, and now she has completely changed.

Her reaction has been very strange. It's almost like she has disassociated from knowing me. I mean, she still speaks to me on the phone and sees me, but she talks to me like I am an acquaintance and her daughter is another person. She recounts events where I was present, as if I wasn't there. To give an example of how ludicrous this is - she told me about my own wedding. Who was there, what the flowers were like, what so-and-so said, the speeches, the food, what she and my father did, what she thought of the bride's dress. I say "I was there! What's wrong with you?" And she ignores it.

Moreover, she has deleted my childhood. She remembers/recounts nothing. My father in his usual submissive, obedience, just goes along with what she says. I call them, email them and occasionally go to see them (I love my father and want to keep in touch with him) but it mostly rings out, they're not in, or they don't reply.

Can someone explain to me what is going on here?

I think you've identified it yourself really - you are 'not her daughter' because you're not doing what she wants. I would also guess the aim is to disconcert you enough to bring you back into line.

I'm not sure there's a lot you can do. You have drawn your line clearly and this is her response. Do they ever make the first move in contacting you?

If there's a complaint to make about something, or money they have not received, she'll contact me in a very business-like manner. Otherwise, no. I call and I say "hi it's me." And she says "who?"

It hurts!

Really weird! I'd guess she simply cannot compute that you've changed from continually jumping through her hoops, to someone who doesn't, and who basically calls her on her ridiculous behaviour (bloody well done by the way). It just makes no sense to her and leaves her with nowhere to go. She can't relate to the real, new you - an independent person with your own thoughts and existence - as that's a massive threat to her worldview. She can't use threats and violence to control you, as you're not 13 any more, don't live with her or depend on her. So she has made you into this meaningless "acquaintance".

I'm sorry it hurts. But was there anything of a relationship there before, really? She sounds dreadful and as you say yourself she never allowed you to be "you" anyway.

What an evil woman.

Hasn't she hurt you enough?

It never seems to stop, does it?

Could you consider not bothering to keep in touch?

She's using your efforts to contact them as a means to get at you again and again. She knows exactly what she's doing.

In answer to your question btw, no my narc mother hasn't, her grand campaign to force me to like her is way too important for that. Not wanting to be insensitive as I know it's upset you, but I'd be happy if mine did this. Pressure off.

Otherwise, no. I call and I say "hi it's me." And she says "who?"

I had a similar one with my mother- after NC for a year I stupidly rang her.

Me - hi mum
M - who is it?
Me- well you only have one daughter
M - ooooh .......hi.

It's not you it's her! Try look g on the stately Homes thread. There will be lots of support.

I've been NC with mother for ten years now. Hard but she really fucked with my head and I had to save my self.

I dragged a lot of issues in to my adult life through her that I'm finally just releasing. Let her go.

X

Buffy, go to the stately homes thread and look at the opening links to the past threads. Click on the very first one. It is by a poster named Pages and she started her thread because her narc mother cut her out if her life. Have a read...hope it helps.
Sorry you are going through this.

It now becomes about self-protection I think, doesn't it - closing all the gaps in your defences. So, you will henceforth never say 'it's me' when you call (presumjng you don't go NC) - I was going to suggest you might say 'it's your daughter Buffy' but sarcasm just gives her ammo if her need is to put you down.

And just think of her as a person who behaves irrationally - distance yourself from it, a quizzical look but no comment when she's doing it.

Buffy - look here

So sorry you're being hurt - is there no way or means to contact your father separately?

Er yes. My.mum refuses to speak to me about 3 months a year, and about half the remaining time she treats me like an acquaintance
Its odd. Polite on phone but completely disinterested. Yet will tell me tale after tale about my brother and his family...

Yep my egg and sperm donor do this to me as well, and have always treated me in this way for as long as I can remember. Its part of the 'persona non grata' campaign that they are waging against you. In their warped reasoning, if you are not jumping through their hoops and doing everything to make them happy, then you are a non-person and don't exist in their eyes. They are doing everything they can to make sure that you get the message that you aren't psychologically visible to them, that you have all the importance of a piece of furniture. I can really relate to your description of dancing around like a puppy trying to get their attention . I've gone NC with my egg and sperm donor, and I suggest that you detach even further and spend your time and effort on your DH and others who treat you with more respect.

....money they have not received.......

Are you sending them money?

My mother handed me over to social services because she couldn't bear the sight of me……when I grew up she'd often cut me out of her life for years, pass me by in the street as if she didn't know me.

She was a funny, clever and hard-working woman. But she was narcissistic.

So I can relate to what you're saying. I went NC when I realised I was happier when not in contact with her. I didn't have to try and please her and I didn't have to be scared of her any more.

I hope you find some resolution for yourself OP.