Help with clearing my mind please-abusive ex (-long)

[PeppermintPasty]

Well, I'm six months post a split that I initiated. He was a verbally abusive, disrespectful arse to me, and was beginning to 'work' on our children (7 and 3) ie be abusive to them, so I pulled it. Absolutely no regrets about heaving him out, just the occasional regret for the fact that my children will never have a great dad like I did. I have a word with myself when this happens, and it passes. We have a lot to be thankful for.

My problems are that he is still so obviously angry with me (in denial about it of course), that his moods swing wildly from trying to be cheesily nice to the degree that he wants me to hug him (ugh), to telling me by text to "fuck off bitch" and to shove my opinions etc up my arse. Nice.

Contact wise, he pretends to be Mr Fantastic. We live in a small village in which he grew up, where most people have no illusions about him, and I swear he maintains contact to keep face sometimes. Anyway, in reality he picks them up one day a week after school and takes them to his father's (where he is living 'temporarily'), gives them their evening meal then brings them home around six when I get back from work. I work 4 days a week.

He then has them from about 10 (if not late...) til around 5 every Sunday.

I thought I was quite lucky to have got all 3 of us out of the awful relationship we had with him reasonably unscathed, but I just didn't expect him to still be so angry and unpleasant. I think he is clearly trying to yank my chain by doing this, and part of what I want to know is how you've handled this sort of thing. What strategies can I use to deal with him? Are you going to say zero/minimum contact, or is there anything else I can do?

He knows that if he tries to 'threaten' to pull contact that it's no threat to me. Frankly, it would be easier on me if he walked away, but the children, once they hadn't seen him for a while (they are still a bit unaware of time frames etc), would be upset. Whilst I don't want that, I am getting to the point that I' m thinking of telling him to be civil or bugger off. I have done this before and it works for a while, but then the cycle starts again. I currently 'rely' on him for that one week day, but I could sort it so I'm not reliant on him (and he knows I would do that if pushed). Then I could leave him with Sunday contact which is up to him.

The thing is, the underlying feeling he has is that they are my responsibility,even though he was SAHD for two yrs before we split. He never calls them, and he had them for two days and an afternoon last week for the holidays and his logic is that as he did those extra days, he shouldn't have to have them this Sunday ie today, so he didn't turn up! We had a row about it by text, and he is so abusive it's unbelievable. The entitlement is still there. I actually think he reckons he can talk to me like it ie he is entitled to do so and I should just suck it up (I try not to, I give it back but that probably gives him some satisfaction). He plays the victim ALL the time ( he has 'no money, nowhere to live, loads of bills to pay' blah blah) -all of which he plainly blames me for. It's always all about him.

God I'm sorry for the length of this. I don't know what to do. I call him on the abuse and depending on his mood he sometimes apologises, then the next time we have to text he is back being an arse again. I HAVE to have some sort of contact with him.

Where do you draw the line? He behaved like a spoiled child in front of the children on one of the days he had them this week. I pulled him up on the way he spoke to our three yo (who was a bit whiny) as soon as he walked in he had a go at her. He didn't like me doing it so said, in front of them 'YOU have the bloody kids' and stormed off. Then came back. I texted him after they left and told him if he ever pulled a stunt like that again in front of them (it was appalling, shouty and aggressive), then he wouldn't be having any contact with them and he'd have to see a solicitor. I got a mouthful in text which I ignored.

When do you pull contact? DO you pull contact? Or is it better (?!) for the children to see their dad even if he's a twat (mainly to me but in front of them sometimes). I want to protect them.

WHY AM I SO BLOODY INDECISIVE?!!! Ha, any help gratefully accepted.

Agh sorry for the length of it.

Horrible. I found my ex settled down and became much more human after a couple of years but in the meantime it was terrible.

Try to detach from him being an arse towards you and just look at it from the children's perspective. He is going to carry on being a twat to you for as long as you react to him: it looks like he enjoys the fighting and twattishness. You can deal with that separately. But the children do deserve the right to a relationship with their father, who may become more rational and a better father as time goes on.

Can you minimise any contact with him to cold hard facts - arrangements and so forth. Ignore abuse, refuse to engage, try to hand the kids over via a 3rd party?

WOW I could have wrote this myself! (Change 3 kids to 1) I am currently ignoring him I just can't speak to him without getting abuse or into an arguement. I don't let him abuse me. I don't let him use my daughter as a weapon and if he wants to play the 'fantastic dad' to the crowds I let him. He has no control and goes CRAZY when I don't react. My advice is to you is get a lawyer. That way you can choose which days and when he can see kids and you don't have to put up with abuse. Block his number etc etc. if he has a problem with that well that just shows how much he 'cares' about his kids. OR you could try mediation??? I would completely cut contact if he were abusive towards children

Thanks both. God I dread years of this, but I think you might be right about time.
Yes, of course they deserve a relationship with their dad, I know this , but he starts this routine and I lose the clarity, the long view, sometimes. I just resent so much having to put up with his abuse. It's so so unnecessary.

I don't want to ratchet up the tension with a lawyer for now (I'm a lawyer, though not a family lawyer-my boss is ), but I don't rule it out in future.

Second the third-party handover suggestion. Can you have a cheap PAYG phone just for contact with him? Then you can ignore if necessary. Is it possible to stop reading a text when your realise from the opening line it is an abusive one? Its hard isn't it, all this.... I do think it is always better to try not to react to their nonsense. Easier said than done, and haven't quite mastered this yet! Two years post-split its getting easier for me. A wise MNer said, "When you have reached the land of Meh, you are free". I am still travelling, but believe I shall arrive... :)

Stop 'giving it back' to him. Play the long game, be the bigger person. Communicate about one topic only - the kids. You can't control his twuntishness, you just can't. Unless the kids are put directly at risk then you have ready done the most important bit by kicking him out. Repeat ten times each day on waking: 'the twat is Not My Problem'

Also, have you heard of the Freedom Programme? A lot of MNers have recommended it, and I am signed up to do it soon. You can do it online also.

I think I should probably free my self of any kind of reliance on him, or seen-to-be-reliance, and get someone else to deal with the weekday pick up. Then he can arrange any additional contact with them if the little lamb can cope.

The Land of Meh Is in sight, on the horizon!! It's killing me!

He also has stuff in my garden still. This sounds weird, but i think it needs to go, but I didn't want to rock the boat as it's only the first six months and I suppose I felt mean saying '...and clear all your crap out of my garden too...'

The garden is massive by the way, size of a big field with lots of secret places. There's a car (!) -clapped out of course, a boat ( same), and other mechanical old rubbish outside his shed (he built the shed therefore feels proprietorial) that I was prepared to leave for a bit. But on the other hand, he acts like this and I want it all gone, but is that just me being petty?

Not petty...seperate your belongings, also shows you are moving on maybe?

At 7 ours could leave the house when he arried and get themselves into his car without he and I meeting or even seeing each other. Not so easy if a child is 3 although the children surely could answer the door and the 7 year old take the hand of the 3 year old and get it into the car. In other words no need for you even to see or speak to him when he arrives or collects. That is how we managed it - just about no contact with each other ever and no changes just about ever to times.

On the stuff he had some. After a year or so I emailed to ask if he wanted XYZ as I was clearing some other stuff out too and making trips to the tip (I was). He emailed which bits he wanted to keep and took them (but it was not as big as a boat and car). You could say you are redoing the garden and shed and can he let you know what he wants to collect and collect it by (give him 3 or 4 weeks). If you do not hear from him or he does not collect it in that timescale you will make arrangements for it to be towed away (you can get scrap value for the car at the least and there is no reason that cannot go into the marital pot to be shared when you agree final divorce finances).

Yes. I think that, but he will have a go. Not that that fazes me. He has said he will move stuff, but it never happens.

It's all a bit knackering really. I got rid of him because of this behaviour, and I didn't want to repeat the same patterns after the split, but it looks like I'm failing

Thanks for your thoughts, it helps

Thanks Maria. Thank all the gods we weren't married. This is partly why he's pissed off-money. He pays nothing towards the children, but i don't expect him to. He works, but when he was SAHD( and actually when he wasn't ) I paid all bills and put money in his acc each week. I basically supported him financially for 13 years. Even bought him a new truck in August (after his disqualification for drink driving was up I might add), after 40 months of him not driving so he could be SAHD with wheels at last. He's still got the truck, I've never tried to get it back which some have said I should.

A few months ago he said he should go and see a solicitor to see what he was entitled to,for 'looking after her', jerking his head towards his 3 yo, for two years!! I said knock yourself out, the law doesn't reward you for looking after your own children!

I'm very happy to be free of this arsehole. Just wish this bit wasn't happening!

It's horrible. I'm pretty sure it will get easier with time tho.

Not just a platitude, even if it sounds like it.

It doesn't. Thanks
I keep the old MN mantra in the forefront of my thoughts and grit my teeth as I say:-

'This too shall pass'!!

You sound like such a strong together lady Peppermint. Well done for getting rid of him. I appreciate and share your frustration having got rid of my self entitled ex six months ago. In that time he has reduced contact with our son to once a week, on a Saturday eve from 7.30pm till 10.30am the following day when he gets him a takeaway and watches an unsuitable DVD with him. He has not contributed any share of the care during the half terms and inset/strike days during the last six months and regularly cancels my sons time with him when he has other things that he feels are more important. I am about to write to him regarding May's school break and the summer hols as he needs to take some responsibility as I too work. When I feel really angry and frustrated by him I remind myself that I don't have to live with him any more and that in itself is priceless!!! I keep any contact to emails and if absolutely necessary by text if they are not abusive otherwise I just ignore. Good luck.

Thanks Pippin. I agree-the main thing is he's not here any more, hurrah!

I suppose I'm just amazed by his cheek, his victimhood, his out of sight out mind attitude about the children (bastard).

I'm faintly dreading the summer, although funnily enough my mother, with whom I've had a distinctly difficult relationship for years, has finally come up trumps and suggested she has them for a couple of weeks. They love her, though it would kill me as they would be 250 miles away.

I think I need to get the mumsnet habit back. Been off here for a while sorting my head out, when all along i should have let you lot do it!

I think some men (and women too, but hey, we're not talking about them are we) never learn Peppermint. It's quite sad in a way, and it harms their lives too, as well as the collateral damage on the way. They never live the lives they could have lived, or have the relationships they could have had, had they not chosen a career in Arse-dom. My XH is an example of this. Despite being remarried he constantly gets in touch, and tries to hook me into 'our' things iuswim. Current DP said new wife would not be pleased, and he was risking that relationship. As I said, and I hadn't thought about like this til that point, he doesn't value anything. That's partly why he is XH. It's all very sad really.

Enjoy your two weeks in the summer, you will have deserved that time and don't feel bad about enjoying it either. Your DC will have a great time with your mum and she will feel good to think she is helping. Definitely my relationship with my mum has got better since the split and she is proud of me being brave enough to do it. You have to keep thinking of all the positives that come out of the change you have made to your life. Onwards and upwards I always say!

Thank you Pippin.

And Parsley, I couldn't agree more. I am constantly amazed by my ex. He, in fact we, had it all. When I called him on the behaviour, as I constantly did, he'd apologise (sometimes!) and things might settle down for a bit. But he never really addressed it. And we're not talking big stuff here, in my opinion. All he needed to do was to offer the normal common courtesies you'd expect. He had no respect for me, or the children. As a friend said, we don't ask for much, even, just to be treated as he would want to be treated-at the minimum. Yet he couldn't even manage that!

Another thing I don't get is that I know, deep down, HE knows that it wasnt working. So you'd think the idiot would be relieved and happy. But no, not on your life.

But as you say, that's why he's the ex.