Worried about my friend who keeps going through this cycle.

[JonSnowKnowsNothing]

Last night I got a series of very upset texts from my best friend who lives at the other end of the country. She was out in X city with her fiancé of 3 years. They'd obviously fallen out and she was stuck. She said she didn't want to be with him any more, was sick of being made to feel insecure, she's been feeling this way for a while, etc. I got these texts all in one go a while after they'd been sent so instantly replied but it was late and she didn't reply. I've asked her to call me at some point today when she can but I know how the call will go.

She'll apologise for ranting, (no need of course) say she was just drunk, just wasn't enjoying the evening, everything's absolutely fine, and so on. But this is about the seventh time this has happened in two years. I KNOW she is unhappy. I know she is frustrated about so many aspects of their relationship, ie his very heavy porn use and attempts to "pornify" their sex life, the fact he reads her FB messages and texts, his sabotage of any time she gets to herself. (Last time she visited me he screamed at her for having the nerve to go away when the dog was ill and left dog vomit for her to clear up on her return.)

How can I get her to understand that I will listen as long or as often as she needs me to, but her relationship is not healthy?? She has no money of her own, but works FT, and two almost-grown dc to consider.

JonSnow... Your friend sounds so beaten down very insecure of herself.

I suppose what might make me think, if I were in her position, is the fact that people move towards pleasure and away from pain. She's not motivated by pleasure because she doesn't seem to have much in her life with this man but the pain isn't great enough for her to move away from it either.

You know your friend so, what makes her happy? What builds her confidence? Does she have dreams of doing certain things that you're aware of? If she has things that would bolster her confidence then maybe she would be keen to pursue them. Even if it's just one thing that she can cling on to, it's grabbing back a bit of power from this awful man that she's with. One thing could lead to the next and then who knows?

I suppose there's no point telling your friend that she's in an abusive relationship? If you show any sign of not being supportive of that she will take it as a criticism of her and, worse than that, she will not be able to lie to you and cover it up as 'nothing'.

You could direct her to this board, it's full of relationship issues and there's some that may strike a chord with her?

What do her children think? Does she live with this man, are they exposed to his treatment of her? That might bring her up short if it were vocalised, as painful as it would be for her. A reminder that children learn behaviour might do the same.

What have you tried and what do you feel would be something that's worth considering, Jon? It must be really frustrating watching her wasting her time and esteem on this man. She's going to feel stupid at some point at having wasted so much time and energy on him. Why are some men so controlling and horrible?! but for you in trying to get your friend to see sense.

I really appreciate such a considered post, Lying.
She works damn hard in a very poorly paid, highly stressed environment. She is rightly proud of her achievements and (can't go into specifics, obviously) I can see this role developing in a slightly different way soon, and I think she will do very well from this.

The kids issue is a difficult one. Her P and her dc are all very much into gaming, computers, etc. so they really get on with him, in general. Yes, she does live with him. In a house he's just bought in his name only. However, friend has stated many times that she worries the effect it has on them when they see the dysfunction of their relationship. My friend is highly intelligent, and emotionally intelligent but getting through to her is nigh on impossible. And actually HE is an intelligent man too and I did like him very much to begin with, but I can't stand what's happening to my friend.

I know she won't call me today after those texts last night. She will probably avoid contact for a week or so to avoid discussing it. It's SO frustrating being so far away and knowing that bloody man has access to messages between us.

You can't help her. You can't 'get through' to someone who doesn't want to listen. You definitely can't save people if they don't directly ask to be saved. As she has involved you in the problem this time, all you can do is express an honest opinion and ask what she's planning to do about it. Whatever happens, please don't let her problems spoil your day.

BTW... if you were in the soup, would she be the sort that drops everything to rush to your side?

Thanks Cog - appreciate the response.

She absolutely would be there for me and has been there during the shittiest years of my life. We both have a fair bit of "baggage" which is what drew us together as friends in the first place, I think. She is a very good friend.
But... you're right though. She doesn't want to be saved. It hurts me to hear her "solutions" to problems, e.g. "If he wants to do XYZ (sexual thing) to me I'll just lie there and he can do what he wants. Saves an argument and shows his true colours doesn't it?" How is this not enough to want to leave?? I feel like just speaking absolutely plainly at the moment but it won't help and will ensure she avoids me for a while.

Not doing much today as I'm on my own, so no plans will be spoiled!

Speak plainly. That's the only thing you can legitimately do. Decide what to say, make it to the point and say it once . She's going to avoid you anyway because she knows what's happening is bad and regrets showing you the big gaping holes in the delusion. If she drops you for speaking the truth she isn't as good a friend as you think.